mindfulness

Sober Thing

Posted on by fearnothing321

5 Years

60 Months

1826 Days

43,830 Hours

2,629,800 Minutes

157,680,000 Seconds

January 11, 2025 marked the 5th year in my sobriety journey. And when I look back over the past 5 years it’s amazing to see the person who I’ve grown to love, me. I will make one clarification is that I’m “California” Sober (IYKYK) but my relationship with this lifestyle is much more responsible. The biggest idea that I have learned during this journey, is the power of acceptance. I accept my faults, my strengths, my weaknesses, my imperfections, and above all myself. Sober Tony is free and has made peace with his daemons. Sober Tony is fully in control but also at the same time has relinquished control. Sober Tony understands what is truly important and where to expel his energies.

This metamorphosis didn’t come quick, but that is the point of growing and learning. We have to learn to crawl before we can learn to walk. We also have to learn to walk before we learn to run. There are precipices that we must first reach before we can reach the mountain tops. Life is a journey and above all it’s one that the goal is to learn about your place in the cosmos. I’ve experienced the stripping of my ego, the destruction of whom I was, the rebirth of who I am, and the revitalization of whom I’m destined to be. I am my decisions. I am my faults. I am my imperfections. I am my struggles. I am worth the love I give. I am worth the love I receive. I am who I am and will always be.

I will say that I have come to learn that this level of acceptance, apparently birthed a sense of genuineness (at least what I interpret this feeling/emotion as). The other night I did something that I thought I would never do on the face of this earth. I believed in me. I allowed my mask to fade. I struck fire to the wind. I ran with the moment.

Me and my stupid stims. I must have looked ridiculous beep-bopping away eating pizza in my Stetson, that night. Oh real quick I need to set the stage real quick. Lately I’ve developed a bit of a Friday night ritual. Pizza is one of my comfort foods. And I will only go to one place for pizza. Recently I’ve grown quite fond of a Stetson straw hat that I had originally bought “as a joke” (what kind of idiot spends that kinda coin on a joke?). Recently a pair of Tecovas ended up on my feet, and because it was Valentine’s day a red and black flannel shirt, I shit you not I looked like I was pulled off a package of Brawny paper towels. Oh and my denim jeans and jacket match. And let’s not forget that my beard has some length (and now unfortunately gray hairs starting to appear). My renaissance apparently gave rise to an Outlaw Country phase with a dash of lingering emo. I will say that the combination of clothes I was wearing is one of my “power outfits (shit that makes me feel good).” Music is one of my “safe spaces” and usually when there is music being played that I like, I’ll start to head bob to the beat and dance in my seat. (you know feeling the moment). I will tell you that I was feeling myself that night (well not physically but mentally). This was another encounter with putting myself out there and seeing what the universe will provide. I’m amazed at how cool like a cucumber I felt and boy did I let the ’tism run free that night. A little more background on this fateful night, is that there is this super cute girl I’ve been making small talk with at my favorite pizza joint. I know it super cliche, on this night of all nights, but let’s make a move and take that first step. I noticed the plant stickers on her water bottle and figured her thing had to be houseplants and boom all the ’tism spills out (and I’m pretty sure from both sides from a previous comment she made). Time slowed down, the distractions faded, and a moment was created. If I was the Grinch, instead of my heart growing 3 sizes, my confidence skyrocketed. Whatever comes of this moment is yet to be seen, but for once I believed in myself. So yeah, I guess can do this, just be present in the moment.

I got to this moment in time because I have made peace with myself. I have not felt this light in years both mentally and spiritually. I have lit a fire within myself to continue to grow. I am thankful for my journey of sobriety as it has given me time back (metaphorically speaking). More than ever I am who I am and there is no changing that simple fact. Now this state of being isn’t some sort of Ronco Rotisserie and BBQ “Set it and Forget it” mentality but something that requires continual work.

I used to booze as a means to drown out the emotional side of me (and let’s be real most of us did/do this, we all want to forget). Human beings are meant to be emotional beings and this is okay. I will always stay that I do have a fair bit mental awareness due to being in therapy for so long. Now my original reason for going to therapy was to gain an understanding of my issues with depression as it had been starting to affect my days. I was still drinking what I would consider “heavy” for the first few years of therapy. This did escalate a few times to driving under the influence more than a few times. There was a short stretch in 2019 where I had stopped drinking, due wanting to respecting another’s sobriety while I was around them. During my first run with sobriety, my therapist at the time asked me if I missed it. I remember saying that I really don’t miss it at all, that was until I fell off of the horse for the first and only time. This was around the time when I was considering my first career change. I went out for the usual wings and beers/drinks with one of my old coworkers. I remember after my first drink (and only drink of that night) I had suddenly felt a touch off. That next morning I awoke with that same feeling and I swore to myself that this would be the last drink that I have. I have continued this determination since that very day.

I was using beer bottles to bottle my emotions instead of learning to live with them. I was more focused on destruction rather than understanding. I was trying to bottle up me, I was drinking because I hated who I was becoming. These past 5 years has been about healing and being ok with the fact I will have my down days and up days. I’ve been trying to work with the current instead of trying to fight the battering ram like waves. This is like trying to fight a rip current head on instead of trying to work with the current. You will expel much more energy trying to fight the current, instead of working with the current to carry you with its momentum. There is no real reason that we should be spending energy trying to tread water in the current, when the end result would be drowning. I want to allow the current to provide me with the momentum I need to accomplish my goals.

As you know maybes turn in to nevers.

I know I’ve said this before but I will say it again, time is the most precious commodity that you possess. I’ve been listing to Stephen Wilson Jr’s album, Son of Dad (deluxe) quite frequently over the past few weeks. One of my standout songs is the acoustic recording of the song: kid. To me this song represents a metaphysical timer, however it counts down instead of up. We’ve also talked about nostalgia can lead to fleeting feelings and being more concerned with preserving the past, rather than facing the future. What I’ve been more so trying to recapture is more so my confidence, specifically leaving the mask off. It’s so tiring trying to maintain this stupid thing, because I feel as if I must conform to some unwritten standards. I’ve been slowly indulging into things that brings me joy. Whether that’s painting my nails black or rocking chinos, my Stetson, and checkerboard Vans. I’ve got one life to live, so why not spend this valuable time doing things that are to me? I drank to numb myself to a reality that I felt that I had no escape from, also to try and understand a world in which it’s tough to navigate as an undiagnosed neurodivergent at the time. The more that I am me, the more relaxed I become, and the more relaxed I become, the more in the moment I am present. And this absolutely goes both ways. There are times when I feel down about myself, I can feel other’s confidence become infectious and lift my spirits up.

We are going to die regardless, so why not try and live a little. I am way too preoccupied with thinking about what other people are thinking about me. I am only responsible for one person and one person alone, me. When I take the time to make myself the priority, I do see connections start to form. A simple smile can literally be infectious, like the clap (hahaha, double entente). We all have dreams that we want to accomplish, however we always push them off to tomorrow, and then it proceeds to tomorrow’s tomorrow. Well I’m here to tell you that tomorrow’s, tomorrow’s tomorrow never comes. Time is finite, as we are as well.

There is one major part of this journey that can be tough to find at times and that is a good support system. Paramount to my success has been lately two of my friend groups, my yoga community, and The Brain Trust. My friends at yoga have become more of a quasi family at times and The Brain Trust helps me stay rooted and reminds me to smile. The people who you keep in your life are instrumental in being the bedrock that skyscrapers are built on. Remember the kanji for human is:　人. This character is formed by two parabolic lines intersecting at the top and becoming one. We all support each other at the end of the day and its okay to lean on the shoulders in times of need. We can all support the weight together so we all can get through our struggles.

Time didn’t give up on me, and neither did I. And all that I can do is try and that is all that matters at the end of the day. Just give everyday your best.

Just Don’t Forget

Posted on by fearnothing321

Another year has passed, and here again I sit reflecting on where I’ve been and where I’m going. However this is not going to be another “#YearofTheHustle” song and dance. I’ve come to realize how much I’ve grown as an individual and the simple fact is that my time is my most valuable resource. There has been times where I have forgotten to enjoy life and wound up in the every day rat race. I now have come to the realization it is time to stop the hustle and focus on what is truly important and what ignites my passions.

I know in the past that I have been trying to follow a life of living without premonition or more simply, being passive. This was a good practice for me however to learn how to relinquish total control over every aspect of my life. When I was following the waves that life brings, I was re-introduced a forgotten passion, one in which I nearly went to the ends of the world to follow, only to fall right back into the revolving door. When I attempted to live a more passive life, it actually moved me to being more assertive and active. To me 2024 will be the start to my renaissance period and the rebirth of my creative spirit.

So what has changed? Well me to be frank (wait who is Frank, I’m Tony).

I am still the same being known as Tony, but I’ve had a bit of a spiritual awakening. More than ever, I know what it is I’ve been searching for within myself. And to add on to this new found sense of vision, I am more equipped with the needed tools to work towards fulfilling this discovery. I have accepted the fact that this will not be an overnight success and may take some time to come to fruition but my resolve has never been stronger.

In short I had forgotten what it meant to live. Like most of us, I fell once again into the trap that we all find ourselves in, working a dead end career in order to live. However, I do not fault us for continually falling for this trap. We all need a roof over our heads, food on our tables, and our own mental/medical health needs (now personally these needs (mental and medical health) shouldn’t be job dependent, but that’s a topic for a different space). I know that I am extremely privileged to be able to consider a potential career change, without a major hit to my living situation. My biggest realization over the past year has been the relationship between my job and my mental health. I know full well that I’m extremely proficient at my current 9-5 corporate bank job, but I’m start to see the same signs from previous jobs I’ve worked. At the end of each week I find my self burnt out from the amount of tasks and ever growing responsibilities that continually get added to my daily checklist. I also see the path towards promotions continue to dwindle and only point towards a path I’d rather not follow. So maybe it is time for me to look towards a more fitting opportunity, the path less traveled.

Right before the dark ages of COVID-19, I was preparing to become a full-time freelance sports photographer, but due to a global pandemic I back tracked on the path I was following. Fast forward to the fall of 2024, I found myself at a familiar trailhead, the path less traveled. This time I’m prepared for the journey and the challenges it will present to me along the way. Here is where I realized that I have been unconsciously been more active in my decision making. During this time I made contacts within the local newspaper for freelance opportunities in the coming year. I have since been added as a freelance photographer if the need arrises, but I have also since learned that there is potentially a staff job opening up. Quite literally my dream job may or may not have just landed in my lap because I put in the effort to make the connection and stuck my foot in the door.

We all forget how to live, because many of us see no other way to exist as we all are forced to be the exact same cog in the machine. There is a reality in which we all cannot escape the machine, but there are ways in which we can attempt to claw ourselves from its death grip. I had forgotten how to crave out time for myself to be me and indulge in my favorite hobbies or simply just be present in the moment of that day. Now here is the biggest caveat to this mantra, is keeping myself focused on the path ahead. I know I can do it, but I mustn’t forget why I am taking the path less traveled.

In order for us to reach mountain peaks, we must take the first step along the journey.

My Story Vol. 2 Chapter 1: The Value of Life (命の価値)

Posted on by fearnothing321

This year, 2020, has taught me truly that life is short and we must act now if we truly want to live. Reality check after reality check really will set your life in focus. Recently my ex-girlfriend reached out to me out of the blue to inform me that a friend had passed away unexpectedly. As I’ve repetitively said, time heals all wounds and the healing energy is really wisdom we’ve gained. I took this moment to clear the air between us, life is way too short to have grudges and petty disagreements. We both held the blame on how we treated each other. During that relationship we were both at low points in our lives and took the pain out on each other. I was delighted to hear she was going through a similar self discovery phase as well. See, things happen for a reason once again in my story.

Real quick on the title of this chapter. The title is a nod to season 2 of Re:Zero kara Hajimeru Isekai Seikatsu episode 33, in which we find the main character, Natsuki Subaru have a mental breakdown as he is finally able to tell someone what has been paining him for so long. As I’ve said in the past, when I set out on this journey writing was an outlet for me to put my story out in the universe. But as of late, I now view this journey to have an open and honest conversation about our mental health.

This year started out with a leap of faith for me, leaving a very stable job with the intentions of personal discovery. September 2020 introduced the path to Enlightenment and a revitalization of my inner focus. Now I see myself approaching another leap of faith in the future.

I’ve had one too many reality checks come my way, and it’s finally time to listen. Life is way too short and tomorrow is honestly never promised. The crossroads I see myself starting to approach is a drive to experience the world. The ever planner that I am, I have set myself a 5 year plan to meet at these crossroads. I see two paths in front of me: 1) move to internationally (Japan, Scotland, Canada, etc…) or 2) buy an RV and drive around the country. It seems I’ve developed a major case of wanderlust.

Moving internationally would definitely be a high risk high reward path to follow. I’ve been learning the Japanese language and I would believe in 5 years I’d be confident in conversational mastery. I have a basic idea on what I would do for employment and where I’d want to live. I do feel as if there is a major part of me pulling me in this direction to step way outside of my comfort zone and just jump in feet first for once. Japan has always drawn me in with its beauty, where it be the shrines that are numerous throughout the country or the beautiful landscapes that seem otherworldly.

Life on the road however will really change me to embrace a life of mindfulness in multiple ways. I view this path that I’m about to take as a spiritual journey to truly connect with both myself and the world around me. Being able to live in multiple states all throughout the year really plays into my inner gypsy. Also with the RV route, I’ll be able to spend quality time with my parents from time to time. My one fear with this route is it’ll play into my general sense of isolationism. I’ve a very introverted person to say the least. I like anonymity, so I fear cutting myself off from a community will cause to further isolate myself. But you never know what the future holds.

Now one of these paths is near impossible for me due my multiple chronic diseases (Cystic Fibrosis and Osteochondromatosis); as most immigration policies are strict for those coming into the country with high medical needs. Also if I were to move to another country I would need to make sure the medication that I’m currently on is available. I am still planning on making trips to Scotland and Japan at some point in time, but at this point I’ve all but ruled out living there. So that leads me to the likely path that I will be embarking on, traveling my own backyard.

Living minimally on the road is something that has been intriguing to me over the past few years. Last year I attempted to stop worrying about worldly possessions, only to fall back once again into their grasp. This time I mean it, I want to live very minimally. I want to enjoy the world around me, I want to see the beauty that I have been provided by Mother Earth.

I need to say it again, life is way to fucking short. We need to live with intent and just dance to the beat of our own drum. As I’ve said many times I’m close with mortality and I want to make the most of my time left on this world. It’s finally time a put true value into my life and make memories. Yes I already “value” my life, but I’m talking about it making something more fulfilling out of my time. We need to live for today rather than worrying about tomorrow.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called present.

Master Oogway, Kung Fu Panda

As my reality checks have proven to me, tomorrow isn’t guaranteed and never will be. It’s time to finally live and ride my wave. Yes the path I laid out in front of myself will require me to alter my lifestyle, but honestly it’s a needed change. By shifting my focus from worldly possessions to otherworldly possessions (memories, experiences, fulfillment) I will bring more value to my life.

It’s times like these when you need to listen to the calls of your heart.

Good Vibrations

Posted on by fearnothing321

Now for something a little different but yet kinda the same.

Just like COVID-19, positivity is both infectious and easily spread to other people. I know that last few chapters have been very pragmatic and usually focusing on the negative aspects of life. However we really need to learn to cherish the good moments in our lives.

Like Mahky Mahk (think Bostonian accent) said “Come on feel the vibration.” Let’s go ahead and have that personal dance party in the kitchen. The music intend in this chapter is intended to get you to get up and move to the grove. Just like living through the bad times, you need to enjoy the good times. Simply set down your phone, turn off social media, drink in the moment, and this will allow you to fully appreciate this moment. We need to disconnect to truly connect with ourselves.

Rhymes will groove you

And I’m here to prove to you

That we can party on the positive side

And pump positive vibes

So come along for the ride

~Dan Hartman / Amir Shakir / Donald Wahlberg / Mark Wahlberg

Remember we are on the journey to lead us to a more balanced life. I’ve been teaching myself to look at the positives in every situation, even if it comes from one of my negative waves. My support system came through for me. Yes I did experience negative emotions but those also came along with positive affirmations.

So are you ready to move to the groove?

During this trying time, I’ve started to turn off the 24 hour news channels and been playing more music. Unfortunately the our news media shows have a strong tendency to sensationalize the stories they report. Now I want throw in a quick note, I still pay attention to the local new media as I they tend not to sensationalize what they are reporting. I found on early on that the media I was consuming was leading to an increase in anxiety. My therapist and I discussed that maybe I should turn off the news and focus my energies elsewhere.

What I found was my general anxiety started to decrease. Remember mindset and perception are key when dealing with your emotional states. The key to understanding your emotional states is mindfulness. And your environment can be a direct impact on do how these states manifest. In the last chapter we discussed making decisions for the better. We all should take a holistic view of our entire environment: friends, workspace, physical location, and relationships.

Live baby live

Now that the day is over

I gotta new sensation

In perfect moments

Well so impossible to refuse

~Michael Hutchence / Andrew Farriss

So join me in turning off the news and grab that new sensation. Surround yourself with positive people and good thoughts. Remember what I said in my story, optimism will carry you further than pessimism. By transforming you environment in a more positive one, it will breed more positive intentions. Out of these positive intentions will grow a positive mind.

Are you starting to feel it yet?

Yes I know it’s pretty tough right now to get out the house with the whole pandemic going on. However there are still ways we can have fun while being safe. Have a one person dance party in your kitchen, or better yet dance under the stars in your backyard or driveway. Don’t limit your ability to have fun to only the things you used to do. Think outside the box, innovate and come up of your own design. Engage in your creative side it’ll help ease the anxiety with staying at home. The reason that this works is you are solving your own “problem.” Personally I think most of the issues that surround anxiety deal with our inability to solve problems.

Across the nation

Around the world

Everybody have fun tonight

A celebration so spread the word

~Jack Hues / Nick Feldman / Peter F. Wolf

So let loose and allow yourself to feel good. Feel the music and allow the groove to move into your soul. You have to allow yourself to have good days and great moments. Remember positivity is infectious, once its in you it’s there for a while.

Why are you just standing there?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjPau5QYtYs

You need to surround yourself with the right people. That. was something that was a tough lesson for me. I though I had the right people in my circle, but they were never there for me. So I cut that dead weight. I fixed that issue with getting back in touch with the right people. I know I can count on them for help whenever I need it. As they say cream does rise to the top and turds sink. That last part may not be apart of the idiom, but I say it is and it’s true.

Ah we can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind

Cause your friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance

Well they’re are no friends of mine

~ Ivan Doroschuk

Why aren’t you dancing yet? Get out of your seat and get to movin’. We need to balance our bad days with good days. So jump start those good days with a safe dance party. This entire chapter is intended to get you movin’ to beat of your own drum and not someone else’s drum. Embrace the journey, the good and the bad.

Just let the music move you.

Remember we got to keep moving forward in order to grow. Yes I know Devo’s hit Whip It is kind of an odd inclusion in this chapter from a contextual/lyrical perspective, but this song makes you move and groove. Mental health is a marathon not a sprint. You need to keep moving forward and keep making strides in your own journey. Mindfulness is key in to unlocking your full potential. Since the beginning of the year that was 2020 I’ve taken a hard look at what’s important to me and that is feeling good.

Go forward

Move ahead

Try to detect it

It’s not too late

To whip it

Whip it good

~Gerald Casale / Mark Mothersbaugh

As I’ve stated previously I don’t watch the news very often, and to be fair I really don’t watch much television these days. I always have music on that gets me moving. I’ve been working on building myself and environment that encourages a positive mindset. This environment helps me both space out the time between my down periods as well as shortens them as well. Remember positivity is infectious and it will create more positivity in others. When this phenomenon happens, your positivity will increase and will last longer.

Good, you are starting to get the groove.

If this last song doesn’t get you moving I don’t know what will. In addition to the the good vibrations to pull you into that positive mindset, a little self love never hurt anyone. Take it for what you want, I’ll leave it at that. Love yourself and who you are. Also love others and show them compassion. Be spontaneous with your partner. Love is a two way street and communication is key to a trusting relationship. I’m not the swami when it comes to relationships as my last one was a dumpster fire, but that’s a story for another day.

So just let it whip. If you have that special someone, grab them and get them on the dance floor and have some god damn fun for fucks sake. Life is too short to always be down in the dumps.

I don’t care if you have rhythm or not move them hips. The rhythm will find you.

Fell on Black Days

Posted on by fearnothing321

I want to continue on road I revisited last chapter, dealing with my daemons. Last chapter once again brought me back face to face with the pain of depression. But once again I made it through to the other side. For me at least depression isn’t just something that is one and done, I live with it. For lack of a better terms, I’ve become friends with my dark days.

Besides surrounding myself with the right people, music has been one of the most powerful outlets to help me deal with my depression.

Over the last 3 years I’ve been learning how to live with my depression and how to mentally guide myself through its waves. My last wave was pretty pretty intense. Instead of bottling everything up and pushing through it, I allowed it to walk next to me. I reached out to friends, I put on music, and let it all flow through me. Yes it was painful, yes it was dark, but I made it through it. For the first time in years I cried. I let it all out, fully embraced what had been starting to build up. Still working on that smile, but I embraced the pain.

This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality / Embrace this moment, remember We are Eternal, all this pain is an illusion.

-Maynard James Keenan, Parabola

TOOL’s Parabol and Parabola seeks to understand our experience as a living breathing human. Maynard creates a narrative where all of our experiences build in to wisdom and pain is temporary. Our souls are eternal though our actions and our impact on others. When I set out writing my story, my goal was to craft my legacy to be remembered. Yes we are all mortal, but we have the capability to be eternal. Embrace life, live through the shit, and grow with it. I will say I didn’t really start listening to TOOL heavily until a few years ago.

At the end of the day, it’s ok to be one with the darkness inside of you. When you face your daemons, you will better appreciate the fights you’ve put up. Every time I embrace a depressive episode, the stronger I get on the other side. Fight like you life depends on, because sometime it just may depend on it. I grew up on grunge music and it has always been my go to when I need an emotional release. Alice in Chains’ unplugged set on MTV is arguably one of the best live performances aired on that channel. Down in a Hole, at its core is about the loss of self identity, depression, and self hatred. Jerry Cantrell wrote a fair bit of Alice in Chains lyrics and the themes are issues that he himself faced.

When you are down in that hole, appreciate the moment and allow your emotions to envelop you. For me at least during these times, I put on music that I can easily relate with lyrically. Yes it usually depressive themes, but it allows me to easier navigate this wave of depression. During my last episode I must have played Joyner Lucas’ I’m Sorry numerous times. The better I engage with my emotional state, the “quicker” I can move through it.

One issue we face in today’s society is the prevalence of the perfect life, happiness, and materialism. For one what does it really mean to be “happy?” Does it mean always having a smile on your face? Like seriously what is happiness, in the social construct? Chasing happiness will likely put us in situations that actually push it away from us rather than get us closer to this proverbial social construct. Let’s swap happiness with inner peace. When you seek inner peace you are balancing the scales of life, as it should be (hehehehe Thanos was right). Light with darkness, good with the bad; a balanced life.

Okay, I have to let myself feel this before I can go any further.

– Corey Taylor on The Devil In I, via Kerrang!

Even though I’m a connoisseur of pretty much every music genre (minus country), metal has always been my number one. Slipknot has been my favorite band for the last ten plus years. During the darkest times I’ve faced, Slipknot’s music helped me through these emotions. Corey Taylor, Slipknot’s lead vocalist, has always been hypercritical of society’s handling, or lack there of, mental health awareness. The Devil In I, seeks to helps to tell the story of the depression living within us. The Devil in this sense the depression that you and I both face day in and day out.

Yes my daemons live inside me, and I’m okay with that. They don’t control me, but I acknowledge their existence. Embracing your full self will help guide you to a more balanced life. When balance is brought to your life you will find that inner peace within you. My scales are getting closer to equilibrium, but I still have a little work to do on myself. I’ve been there before, so I know I can find it again.

Let the practice of mindfulness guide to a place of balance so that you can live with your emotional states. The final song that I wanted to include in this chapter is Alice in Chains’ Nutshell. In a nutshell (see what I did there lol) this perfectly surmises my battles with depression. When Layne Staley wrote this song, he wrote about his own struggles with depression and addiction. Alice in Chains’ unplugged set on MTV would be the last time Layne would appear on stage as he would lose his fight with addiction shortly there after.

Luckily for me I never really have had to fight addictions. Yes I’ve had my run-ins with alcohol and shopping addictions, but these grew out of endorphin needs. I haven’t taken an oath of sobriety, but what I have taken is an oath to be more mindful of my actions. I still like to buy myself something, if the payoff is something constructive. I don’t drink due to medication that I’m currently on for my Cystic Fibrosis.

At the end of the day, we are sum of all of our parts. Learn to live with your dark days and good days. There will always be bumps in the road, but that is the journey we call life. The more mindful you become, the closer you come to unlocking self-awareness. This is the path you must follow if you want peace within your soul.

Am I less than I am?

Posted on by fearnothing321

Male infertility, or really infertility in general can be a huge contributor to issues with depression, self-confidence, lack of communication, and suffering.

My own journey with infertility came to be due to a failing marriage (now it wasn’t the cause). Now I will say that this journey has brought a lot of closure to me and has explained 30 years worth of medical mysteries about myself. But it wasn’t without any pain or self doubts along the way.

Last year, shortly after my diagnosis I made a tough decision for myself that likely I would not have any biological children. This was due to the fact that I have 2 rare genetic diseases/mutations, one of which is almost guaranteed to be passed down and the other is a 25% chance if my partner is also carries a CF related gene. Sorry mom and dad, looks like bio-grandkids aren’t on the table for now at least, but there will be the 4 legged kind.

Luckily when I started down this path I was already seeing a therapist to help me with my issues with depression and anxiety, however some may not be so lucky. I still remember the day I got the result back from my second semen sample test and finding out again that a big fat zero sperm were in my sample. So does my not-gonna-make-a-baby baby gravy make me any less a of a man? Does the fact that I cannot naturally impregnate someone of the opposite sex make me less than I am?

Photo by Burst on Pexels.com

I will say, yes I did experience a bout of depression after getting my second round of results back from my fertility doctor. That is to be expected when going through a life event of this sort. Now my experience with infertility might be a little different than your’s however. I came with a factory installed vasectomy due to a little chronic disease known as Cystic Fibrosis. When I was walking through this journey, I knew deep down that my likely answer to my infertility was always going to CF related. When I looked back at my current and past medically history, all roads pointed to CF in my eyes. And to be fair the depression for me at least, was greater after my trip to the urologist for a once over, and that is when we discovered my lack of a vas deferens. My urologist did tell me not all was lost and he has helped many CF patients with harvesting sperm to utilize for artificial insemination. And I do know that you should be able to get some kind of insurance coverage as the procedure is medically necessary.

Infertility doesn’t make me any less of a man. And infertility doesn’t make you any less of a person either. I know that are those out there that wish they had a factory installed vasectomy. Now I may not know what it is like to suffer from a hormonal infertility, but I do know that there are therapeutic medication that helps balance everything out.

In other chapters I have been very critical of our society as a whole for a variety of reasons, the main one being the “go, go, go” mentality. Its times like this where we truly need to slow down. Life will always bring some level of hurdles our way, and yes some may be taller for some some, but its your race. Life’s major hurdles like this are intended for us to slow down and appreciate what we are about to learn. When we move mindfully through our hurdles, we pause and reflect on we are able to build a greater understanding of that moment in time.

For those who are out there suffering in silence, don’t be afraid to lean on others. I know I sound like a broken record at times, but seeking professional help was the best single decision I did for myself. Think of it this way, infertility is just another speed bump in the journey we call life. Yes it’s definitely one of the tougher bumps, but you’ll get through it.

My Story Chapter 4: Take Care of Yourself

Posted on by fearnothing321

*Editors Note* This in an interactive post, please start the song linked above before you start reading. Once the song starts you can start reading.

I want to first explain the title of this chapter. It’s a nod to the original anime ending of Neon Genesis Evangelion. Neon Genesis Evangelion explores the complexities of mental health and depression. In the final episode the main character Shinji Ikuno comes face to face with his fear of failure and what it means to be human. I highly recommend everyone watch Neon Genesis Evangelion and then movie Evangelion: The End of Evangelion. By the way if you do watch these, I highly recommend the original Japanese audio with English subtitles.

So what have the last few years taught me? Above all else take care of yourself and all will fall into place. This is the one time is it is okay to be selfish.

What lead me down this path? Worrying about what others thought of me and having to live up to likely a preconceived notion that I had to succeed all the time.

What have I learned? Being mindful of my emotional state and living with my depression and anxiety. It doesn’t define who I am, I am in control. It’s ok to a have a shitty day, it’s ok to get anxious at times. These are normal emotions. I learned to understand what drives these state of emotion within me. I’m better at setting my own expectations of myself and above all breathe. Just breathe, your mind is a powerful tool. Remove distractions from your life. Get back to the basics, focus on you. Do what makes you happy. And above all else do not compromise yourself or change who you are because someone doesn’t like it. You are a beautiful individual.

Just remember it get better. Optimism will carry you farther than pessimism will.

The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.

~ FDR

I’m literally the living embodiment of 1 in a million. I have two super rare genetic diseases/mutations, one (CF) is 1 in every 40,000 and the other (HME) is 1 in 50,000. I like to say that I’ve won the genetic lottery. The point I’m trying to make is we are all unique in our own way. You know what’s best for you. I know my gut instinct has never let me down, that was until I failed to listen.

We don’t have flaws. We have features that make us who we are.

Society has made us desire the material, while pushing us further and further away from what really matters. You matter, we all matter, and never let anyone determine your worth. In a world filled with chameleons trying to fit in with the rest, stand out among the rest and be true to you. Live because you want to, not because someone it telling you to. Our time on this rock floating through space is limited and we need to make the best it.

When I set out to tell my story, my goal was to heal my body and mind from the trauma I put it though. But now that I’ve put it out into the universe I hope that’ll it reach someone who may be in the same shoes as me and I can offer them a ray of hope. Just remember just because someone maybe happy on the outside, you do not know what goes on behind closed doors. One more idiom just for good measure, grass isn’t greener on the other side, its most green where YOU water it.

Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you’ll die today.

~ James Dean

And we have reached the end of Volume 1 of my story. So were I go from here? Well of course I move forward. Soak in the music, allow it to guide you to a place of peace within yourself. From there you will be able work on your own self-reflection. Learn from the past to better the future.