Alright let’s pick up from where we ended at the last post. My relationship was looking like it might not be the best, and I am unequivocally afraid of disappointing my parents.

So about about a 3 year time skip, (roughly 4 years into my relationship my ex-wife/partner), her father is diagnosed with advanced lung cancer and has about 6 months to 1 year to live. So as you can imagine this put us all in a reality we did not want to live. Now during this time I did become close with my ex’s father and I did feel some level of duty to make sure his family was taken care of in the event of his passing, which would unfortunately happen a short 6 months after his initial diagnosis. It was during one of his later stints in the ICU that I would ask him if I could marry his daughter, to which I received an emphatic “yes.” I figured maybe this “shot” of good news/happiness would somehow spur on some kind of hope that he would live a little longer. As usual this falls in to a case of me wanting to try and fix something that likely I would never be able to “fix” as I felt the world around starting to crumble.

It’s worth noting one other aspect of my personality at this point in time. I someone who could be described at times as self-sacrificing to a fault. I will give myself for the benefit of others while neglecting my own needs at time, mostly my mental health.

Alright, let’s get back to the story at hand. Regarding the engagement with my ex-wife/partner, this was another one of those perceived life event that I felt I had to do or else there would be some level of disappoint likely to happen. Now regarding this event when my ex-wife and I mutually agreed separation/divorce was the best thing for us, we both sheltered the blame for not listening to ourselves and our own hesitations. It was all likely due to matter of life situations all happening at once, the loss of her father, my rampant mental health issues that I was neglecting, and just wanting to follow in others expectations of us.

During our 5ish years of marriage everything wasn’t all happy and rainbows, we would have fights over the stupidest of things and would rush to do things in order “fix” our problems. What appeared on the outside a happy go lucky couple, in reality wasn’t much of that at times. Roughly 18 months before we would decide to separate we decided we were going to start a family. What better way to fix a marriage that was falling apart, than to through kids into the mix. This singular decision ultimately led to one of my greatest mental breakdown roughly two years later.

It was around this time when I finally decided it was time to seek professional help to deal with my issues with depression, anxiety, and other facets of myself. This would go on to be one of the best decisions I would make.

After a year or so of trying to get pregnant with non actual luck, at the recommendation of one of my ex-wife/partner’s friends we saw a fertility doctor. My ex was the first one to get test to make sure everything was a-ok. And as expected she was as healthy as a horse. Now it was my turn. So I schedule a test to provide a sample of my bisquick, to see what my swimmers were doing. After we got the results back it was a fat zero, zip, nada in my sample. So the doctor wanted me to re-do the test to make sure nothing went wrong in the first one and low and behold the same exact result: zip, zero, nada in my sample. Apparently I only shoot blanks.

After consulting with the doctor on the result of my test it would either boil down to two reasons: something hormonal or Cystic Fibrosis. Now I was pretty confident I didn’t have any issues with testosterone due to certain anatomy and my ability to maintain muscle. Also for background info I have always had issues with sweating, slight digestive discomfort with fattier foods, had terrible ear infection as an infant, I never really gained much weight even though I could eat like a dump truck, and my lungs could never truly support the physical activities I liked doing (cycling, playing my trumpet/marching band, hiking, etc…).

After the first round of blood work my hormones were indeed okay as my body produces the necessary stuff to make sperm. However on the first genetic test I received, I did get a answer I was not wanting to see. I tested positive for the Delta 508 gene for cystic fibrosis. I want to interject real quick, there are multiple levels of cystic fibrosis, you can be a carrier with one genetic mutation, you can have two mutation and be asymptomatic (and in males it typically just infertility related), you can have a mild case, or you can have a regular case. So after I received my first positive test for the cystic fibrosis gene, my fertility doctor scheduled me an appointment with a urologist to make sure there were no other reasons as to why I’m infertile. After getting a ultrasound complete, which showed everything downstairs was normal, we did a simple evaluation. Upon completion of the evaluation it was discovered that I didn’t not have a vas deferens (the tube that connects all the wedding tackle together). Yep, I have a factory installed vasectomy.

This was a shot to my psyche.

Please return your trays to their upright and locked position, we are in for a bumpy ride.

This was likely my smoking gun. My urologist had never seen a case where a simple carrier of cystic fibrosis was infertile. That led to the realization that I likely had some level of the disease. After this appointment I was scheduled to see a regular family doctor for base line bloodwork test and was recommended to see a pulmonologist. After I completed some basic test with the pulmonologist, it was determined it would be best to refer me to the cystic fibrosis clinic as all roads point to there. The only explanation for everything that I had been experiencing health wise pointed to this or some hyper rare neurological disease. The month of February 2019 was probably one of the more rougher months that I had experienced. In that month alone, my divorce was finalized, we sold the house, and had received the news I was dreading.

One of the key tests in determining where one has cystic fibrosis is a simple sweat test to determine the level of “saltiness” in one’s sweat. Now I’ve already mentioned I’ve had this problem since I could remember, so you know where the story is heading. When I got the results back, my levels were elevated. A literal ton of bricks fell on me. I had arranged a quick office visit to get a blood sample taken and sent up to John Hopkins Cystic Fibrosis clinic for a full genetic panel to be complete as there was no doubt at this point that I had the disease in some level. It would take a full 3 months to get my results back.

I think this is a good stopping point for now at least. These 10 years 2009-2019 would some of the more impactful times in my life. I’m not a religious individual, but I do believe that things happen for a reason and at the time the event happens we may not know the answer to the “why” but some day we might. I feel very strongly about self reflection and self learning. We learn from our mistakes to shape our future. During my time in therapy we have been building a mindset of mindfulness. With the goal of being mindful of my emotions and myself so I can live with this events and guide myself through them. Going to therapy isn’t going to “cure” you of your depression or anxiety, but will allow you to understand these very complex states of emotion.

I’ll pick up where we left off with my next post, with my new found reality.