I’m no stranger when it comes to wild weather. My dream job has always been either a tornado chaser or hurricane hunter. Unfortunately for me I could barely pass calculus 1 with a C- so, meteorology was out of the question. But a dude can dream right? I really wanted to use this version of the song for those Need for Speed Underground 2 nostalgia vibes, but the original is a classic. Down here in Floriduh we get our fair share of rough storms, but these storms are different. But here is the thing we all face our own storms. Some can be rougher than others and some are meant to just slow us down.

First order of business is to assemble a ragtag group of fellow storm chasers because there is history to be made. So let’s leave Wakita and hopefully beat Jonas and his team of corporate storm chasers to this historic storm that is brewing.

The main idea of this conversation is coping mechanisms. I’ve learned over the recent years to develop healthy coping mechanisms as a means of engaging with my emotional states rather than drowning them in intoxicants. I now have a close group of friends that can help lift the burden off my shoulders if I need it. As well as other activities that I use to engage with my expressive side.

So how do we recognize a storm that is brewing something wicked? It’s both easy and difficult at the same time.

Red sky at night, sailors’ delight. Red sky in the morning, sailors’ take warning.

Depression really is like the ocean. Sometimes it’s not that rough, just a gentle reminder that it’s there and other times it’s weighing you down with its immense pressure. Remember we are on a journey to be more mindful of our surroundings and mental states. The tides of our emotions will come in the form waves and sometimes a rouge wave will really knocks us on our ass. While we may feel as if we are alone in an ocean of depression.

Here is the kicker, we have to learn to be agile. And its okay, we will make wrong decisions at times, but those decisions will be the right decision at that time. This is what it means to be human. We live and we learn. We grow with the world around us and seek to understand this journey that we are on.

What do we need when the waters get rough? Life jackets. Here in the mental health realm, what we really need and want are coping mechanisms and expressive outlets. Remember we are human beings and we have basic needs that we must always make a priority in our lives.

For me at least my depression returns when I feel as if I loose my creative outlets to express my inner self. Prior to March of this year I had multiple outlets that I used to express my creative energy. I throughly enjoy building Gundam models (Gunpla to us hobbyists), painted my Warhammer models, built my r/c car that I’ve dreamt about for years, created recipe ideas, and worked on this book. Lately my life has been revolving around work and work alone. I haven’t had the time to take care of my needs both mentally and physically. Lately I’ve noticed that I’m starting to loose weight unknowingly. You may think that is a good thing, however with cystic fibrosis that’s anything but good. Stress from work continues to compound in areas that I didn’t expect to happen. Luckily it seems that life is showing me once again what is actually important.

Do you see those dark clouds rolling in? I think we are going to experience a severe storm in a matter of moments.

We are no strangers when it comes to discussing on what forms depression can manifest within the human mindset. We’ve talked about suicide, touched on self-loathing, and brought up dysmorphia. However I feel as if we haven’t talked about the true weight of suffering in silence, self-harm.

Yes some storms are worse than others and generally cause exponentially worse damage. I knew I would have to eventually bring up this topic, self-harm. I will say I really don’t know how to approach this topic. I feel that this is an even way more taboo topic than suicide to discuss. To those out there suffering in silence, I hear you. There are many forms of self-harm that are easy to hide and easy places to hide those scars. Nonsuicidal Self-Injuries (NSSI) are types of self inflicted injuries that are meant to serve as a distraction from some type of mental state that we are experiencing and want to go away. I will say the reason why I really don’t know how to approach this topic is because I’ve never really experienced the weight that this mindset brings. Yes the insides of my cheeks are scarred up from a habit of biting my lips and the insides of my cheeks to deal with anger and anxiety, but not to the extremes that some have to go to escape their mental jail.

I can see why someone would choose self-harm as a means to escape from the confines of depression and anxiety. The physical pain caused by cutting, burning, hitting, and pulling one’s hair out acts as an immediate distraction from the mental pain they are going through at that moment. Then the brain dumps serotonin to relieve the physical pain and the serotonin stabilizes your mood.

Just like the conversation that we had about suicide, I want to talk about self-harm in the same manner. It’s easy to say “just stop doing that” from an outside perspective, but all we are doing is invalidating the pain that someone is going through. You have to understand that this is the only way that they have found to deal with the negative headspace and pain that they are going through. Also unfortunately the act of self-harm can turn into an addiction because of the body’s natural reaction to release serotonin. Much like suicide, the acts of self-harm are done because that individual needs a release from the reality that they see. If you have a loved one that engages in some form of self-harm, try not to invalidate their pain, rather give them a shoulder to lean on.

When we act as caretakers, sometimes we venture into the realm of coddling. I believe this inner tendency comes from an innate action to protect others from the harms of the real world. Awhile back I was having a conversation with a friend in regards to the parents of some of his students. He told me about the recent trend of lawnmower parents. Lawnmower parenting is the act of removing any obstacle or negative experience that your child may face in life. To me this is an extreme form of coddling. This is also tied to the “everyone gets a trophy” phenomenon that we see in childhood sports. I don’t mind the acknowledgment of participation, but to make it the main focus of the sport activity it loses major value.

When we coddle someone we remove that opportunity for them to learn from the experience. The human experience is one filled with pain and learning. We have to learn to understand our emotional states as well as learning to deal with conflict. Conflict is another highly complex emotion. We can have internal conflict as well as external conflict. Internal conflict is arguably the harder of the two to deal with in my opinion. When it comes to conflict with someone else, it just isn’t worth your time. However internal conflict is a much more difficult emotion to deal with because negative thoughts are heard loud and clear.

So in times when one of our loved ones is suffering it’s always better to express empathy. Validating one’s pain and struggles will help lift the storm clouds around them and help begin the healing process. Empathy is what makes lasting human connections. It’s easy to just remove the obstacles but it’s another thing to help that individual to move through these obstacles. You can really make a person’s day that just by expressing a little bit of empathy.

There is still so much for us to learn still about tornadoes. Storm chasers are out there gathering data so we can increase early warning systems by seconds. When it comes to tornadoes they are part of a even bigger storm, the supercell (no, not the Cell from Dragonball Z). Storms are a bigger picture experience that is unfolding before your eyes. When conditions are just right a tornado has the potential to touchdown and wreck some havoc. However this will not always be the case. Overtime your gut instinct will become your early warning system. By honing in your gut instinct you will be able to observe your past to better your future. One more Alan Watts quote: “A predictable future is your past.”

Because tornadoes are a very chaotic storm system that comparatively doesn’t last that long they are typically categorized for how much they “eat” and wind speed estimations. When we experience one of these storms usually something needs to be removed from in front of us because its been distracting us from something important. I will always believe that things happen for a reason, whether we know that reason. I know the storms in my life has shown up when I drifted to far away from my personal values.

Even though we’ve learned all of these techniques to better understand these mental storms, sometimes a rouge wave comes along and knocks us on our asses. I give to you the perfect storm.

Here is the thing, sometimes the perfect storm comes along and tests our resolve. Even though be can be as mindful as possible a rouge wave always has the potential to come along and sink our ship. One of my favorite idioms that I heard from a previous manager was “be like the palm tree swaying during the hurricane, not like oak tree stiff in the wind.”

Much like the weather, I’ve been learning how to read my emotions. The end goal here is understanding how to be mindful of your emotional state. I’ve typically characterized mental health by being surrounded by water. Much like water, your emotional and mental states are fluid.

My personal storm that I’ve been weathering for the past few years, always involves the same subjects. Taking care of myself while trying to balance employment needs. A few months back I had a discussion with my dad in regards to further employment within my current employer. I mentioned to him that I was seeking out a corporate level position likely in some form of marketing and content creation but had some major hesitations. I told him that I was getting a gut feeling that was very similar to my first job right out of college. This is the job that jump started my issues with alcohol. I told him that I felt as if I was approaching another crossroads when it comes to decision making. On one hand I really like the company that I work for, but on the other hand the experiences that I’ve had with dealing with upper level leadership have left a sour taste in my mouth. Fast forward a few months and I’m given a promotion to store manager and the premonitions are proving to be true. Remember when I said my gut feeling has never let me down, except when I failed to listen? Here is the decision that I am at currently, do I hunker down and ride the storm out or do I evacuate to safer lands?

My gut is telling me to put up the storm shutters and leave town. In the short few experiences that I’ve had its shown me that this is only the tip of the iceberg. But what I really feel is happening is life telling me to be true to myself once again. The biggest thing that I struggle with is balancing my medical needs with my day to day life needs. I am someone who has very high medical needs that need to be made a priority. I know I haven’t been taking the greatest care of myself physically over the past five months at least if not longer. My clinic team wants me to exercise more and eat a more balanced diet as well as utilize my treatment vest even more.

So what do I do? Do I continue on the same path that I’m on, which will likely lead to some form of self destruction? Or do I make what is important to me once again the priority? The answer is obvious, we must never stray from what is important to us and our values.

When is it the right time to fight or just walk away from a situation? Yes dealing with conflict is a natural situation that we will always find ourselves in and we do not not want to avoid it. To me the balance is of fight versus flight boils down to is the relationship/situation salvageable. Sometimes people start conflict to get a rise out of you and honestly those disagreements are never worth it because you end up in the mud. Personally for me my choice to walk away from a relationship/situation always comes to a values based decision. I never want to compromise my values for the sake of someone else.

Once again another storm comes and goes, and a new path forms. Yes, powerful storms will cause scars to be left behind, but sometimes some distractions need to be forcefully removed. So what might these storm be trying to tell us about ourselves? To me it’s the idea of letting go and embracing who you want to be.

The ultimate goal of taking care of yourself mentally is acceptance of who you are and what you want. We will talk about innate desires soon, but for right now we are talking about the self. Even though I’m not a fan of his work, I still want to bring up Freud’s theory on the Id, Ego, and Superego. Freud categorizes these three entities as to what makes up our unconscious mind. The Id represents the animalistic needs, the Ego is us in reality, and the Superego keeps us within the constraints of society. I get the ideas that Freud was trying to make this this idea, but if you want to dive deeper into his understanding you’ll see why he is considered to have fringe theories. This usually stems from his ideas on human sexuality.

I want to take a quick intermission. What we are talking about here is the unconscious consuming self, the subconscious self, the sense of self (the you). These are all ideas that we create about ourselves whether it’s because a nature versus nurture or consumption versus fulfillment need. These selves are driven out of desire for something that we perceive that we need to live. I also want to talk real briefly on another definition of ego. We also know the ego to be a inflated perception of the self that we see. I’m talking about when we say people are egotistical. This is characterized by people who are very conceited and arrogant.

I’ve recently landed on the idea that goal of a lot of therapy is recognition the self. I see the value in which Freud was trying to explain, but tying these ideas to the sexual organs misses the point. Society has evolved to make us worker bees with the end goal of consuming. When realize our self (the you) we pull ourselves out of the mindless drone role and become a builder of our own world. In my opinion this image of the self has control over the animalistic desires as well as acknowledgement of the forces that society places on us.

When you’ve recognized the self, you will find what is important to you.

And then we have the foil of the self, the false self. What is the false self? To me the false self is the lies you tell yourself as well as living unconsciously. If you truly want to live a fulfilling life, you are the only person who capable of understanding what it is that you want. Everyday we are bombarded with false standards of needs and happiness. We are told you need a house with a white picket fence, children, a partner, and a dog. But that isn’t for me and it may not be for you as well. We are taught from an early age to consume materialistic needs whether it’s from social media, entertainment, social circles, or unconscious societal norms.

I recently had a conversation with a coworker in regards to children and housing needs. She wanted to know a little more as to why I do not want kids. I told her due to my high medical needs and the lifestyle that I want to live it would not be fair to raise kids. I explained that I generally need to give most of my personal attention to making sure I maintain my health. She did a bit of self-reflection on that and noted that had she had the same information that she has now she may not have had kids for the same reason.

This is all a callback to my story. Remember my ex-wife and I thought that we need to have kids because that is what married people do. When I look back I can only imagine the lasting issues that this would have caused if it did actually happen. We were following a path that we perceived as the only acceptable means of being “adults.” We were allowing our false selves to dictate the actions that we were making. Luckily my ex-wife saw through these lies that we were telling ourselves.

We will talk more about these ideas and concepts in the next chapter.

So how do we let go of these false needs? Simply, we kill the false self.

I know that sounds super drastic and something that the Joker would say, but that is reality. Recognizing the influences that our modern society are placing on us are placing an unneeded weight on our shoulders. Think about, what are the things that drive your depression, anxiety, and questioning about yourself? I’m serious, what is it that you want for yourself, not what others want or expect for you?

In my opinion a lot of our issues are caused because we are trying to fit within some kind of mold. A vast majority of my anxiety was driven by time and a belief that I needed to follow society’s “rules” on what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. My divorce, diagnosis, and previous relationship tore away the rules and showed me the path that I wanted to follow. These storms removed all of the unnecessary distractions that I had been clinging on to because I felt that they were important, but in reality they were not. I have embraced a higher understanding of who Tony is and what it is that I actually want. My false self has been laid to rest and my real self is now in charge. I always commit to keep it real. And I implore you to do the same, just keep it real.

Major life changes can also bring anxiety with them as well, but here is the kicker. Everything will always work its way out. One of favorite sayings as of late is a quote from Alan Watts, “Do what you love and the money will follow.” Yes you will have to hustle for a time, but as he said in that speech someone is interested in what you want to do. We will always have some sort of storm blowing through our lives. It’s not always going to be happy and cheery. We have to learn to be the surfers and meteorologists of our mental oceans. Our emotions are fluid just like water in the ocean and the winds in the atmosphere.

As I’ve said in previous conversations, the ultimate test of faith is letting go. Letting go of unnecessary weight will allow you to become more fluid. The combination of mindfulness and acceptance with the added help of fluidity, you now will be better suited read these waves. These storms will never fully leave us, but we can be better prepared to act when they start to form. Always remember April showers bring May flowers. We may not see why that storm came through but the answer will be provide in due time.