No not that Chronic. What I’m talking about is chronic diseases and other medically maladies.
I’m no stranger to the chronic, chronic diseases that is. But these days I do deal with both types of chronic. Having medical problems that are always nipping at your heels can really drag you down at times. For me I’ve 2 major chronic diseases/mutations. Luckily I have a mild case of Cystic Fibrosis (CF) and my one wild card is Hereditary Multiple Exostoses (HME). HME is the one I worry about more than CF. With CF it can be controlled through activity and medication, HME on the hand is a growth mutation wherein my body during puberty grew benign bone tumors throughout my skeletal structure. When I go for orthopedic check up it usually results in some type of surgery to correct a defect.
Recently I had to visit a hand surgeon to discuss some option on lessening some arthritis pain in my right wrist. When I was roughly 11 I had 2 staples placed in my radius on my right wrist to hopefully slow down bone growth as my wrist was starting to grow at a 45 degree angle. The staples did their job, but it ended up not being a runaway success. Come to find out the radius and ulna have practically fused in my right forearm due to my bone condition. I was presented with 3 surgical options, 2 of which were still invasive but not super invasive and the last one was reality setting.
The doctor informed me radiologically what I needed was an ulna head replacement surgery. Yep I’m a 31 year old dude with the skeletal structure of someone at least twice my age. Problem is I’m way too young for this surgery even though it what I honestly problem need to fix my problem. Besides age there is absolutely no way I’d want this, as it would be a complete lifestyle change with major limitations on physical activity. For at least this appointment reopened Pandora’s box within my mind. The route we decided is to trim down the head of my ulna and more or less prep me for future replacement surgery when my age is right. Replacement surgery generally has a shelf life of between 10-15 years.
This isn’t the only issue I’m currently managing right now, both my knees are absolutely shot at this point and my right ankle has a good bone on bone grind. I know I’m never going to be done with surgery and there will always be something on the horizon.
Yes both of my chronic diseases/mutations do add to my anxiety and depression in their own ways. CF will occasionally bring me coughing fits that literally bring me to my knees and excruciating pain in my head and additional anxiety at night when I have a slight difficultly breathing. HME with the one who always rears it ugly head and taunts me with forcing unwanted change upon me.
If you are struggling with a chronic disease like me, just know that there others out there struggling along side with you. Mortality and me have close for at least the past 10 years, whether was the dance we had back leading up to my suicide attempt or the news of my CF diagnosis. We still talk to this day and there always a new reminder that they are waiting to meet again. Yes life is tough but we all have our own hurdles to climb, some are taller than others. When dealing with a chronic disease YOU have to manage it, not allow it to manage you.
I will say yes, that my chronic diseases have lead my routine pain both physically and mentally. Which is why now I’ve received my recommendation for medical marijuana (sorry grandma but it’s the only pain relieving medication I can actually take).
When I feel that I’m starting to lose control I resort back to one of my rituals. Typically in most cases music will get me back on track mentally. In some more serious case I’ll do some mindful meditations to invoke a little self-reflection. I’m lifetime believer in that things happen for a reason. What jump started this current path for me was my side hustle. On the side I was detailing cars. Early in August I was wrapping up on a detail for a friend and all of a sudden my wrist became useless for two days straight. This was my body telling me to seek a new route for self employment.
Do I wish that I had it easier? Hell yes I wish my life would be easier medically. I’ve been retraining myself to manage my diseases and expectations. I know that there others out there who have it a lot worse than I do.
This year, 2020, has taught me truly that life is short and we must act now if we truly want to live. Reality check after reality check really will set your life in focus. Recently my ex-girlfriend reached out to me out of the blue to inform me that a friend had passed away unexpectedly. As I’ve repetitively said, time heals all wounds and the healing energy is really wisdom we’ve gained. I took this moment to clear the air between us, life is way too short to have grudges and petty disagreements. We both held the blame on how we treated each other. During that relationship we were both at low points in our lives and took the pain out on each other. I was delighted to hear she was going through a similar self discovery phase as well. See, things happen for a reason once again in my story.
Real quick on the title of this chapter. The title is a nod to season 2 of Re:Zero kara Hajimeru Isekai Seikatsu episode 33, in which we find the main character, Natsuki Subaru have a mental breakdown as he is finally able to tell someone what has been paining him for so long. As I’ve said in the past, when I set out on this journey writing was an outlet for me to put my story out in the universe. But as of late, I now view this journey to have an open and honest conversation about our mental health.
This year started out with a leap of faith for me, leaving a very stable job with the intentions of personal discovery. September 2020 introduced the path to Enlightenment and a revitalization of my inner focus. Now I see myself approaching another leap of faith in the future.
I’ve had one too many reality checks come my way, and it’s finally time to listen. Life is way too short and tomorrow is honestly never promised. The crossroads I see myself starting to approach is a drive to experience the world. The ever planner that I am, I have set myself a 5 year plan to meet at these crossroads. I see two paths in front of me: 1) move to internationally (Japan, Scotland, Canada, etc…) or 2) buy an RV and drive around the country. It seems I’ve developed a major case of wanderlust.
Moving internationally would definitely be a high risk high reward path to follow. I’ve been learning the Japanese language and I would believe in 5 years I’d be confident in conversational mastery. I have a basic idea on what I would do for employment and where I’d want to live. I do feel as if there is a major part of me pulling me in this direction to step way outside of my comfort zone and just jump in feet first for once. Japan has always drawn me in with its beauty, where it be the shrines that are numerous throughout the country or the beautiful landscapes that seem otherworldly.
Life on the road however will really change me to embrace a life of mindfulness in multiple ways. I view this path that I’m about to take as a spiritual journey to truly connect with both myself and the world around me. Being able to live in multiple states all throughout the year really plays into my inner gypsy. Also with the RV route, I’ll be able to spend quality time with my parents from time to time. My one fear with this route is it’ll play into my general sense of isolationism. I’ve a very introverted person to say the least. I like anonymity, so I fear cutting myself off from a community will cause to further isolate myself. But you never know what the future holds.
Now one of these paths is near impossible for me due my multiple chronic diseases (Cystic Fibrosis and Osteochondromatosis); as most immigration policies are strict for those coming into the country with high medical needs. Also if I were to move to another country I would need to make sure the medication that I’m currently on is available. I am still planning on making trips to Scotland and Japan at some point in time, but at this point I’ve all but ruled out living there. So that leads me to the likely path that I will be embarking on, traveling my own backyard.
Living minimally on the road is something that has been intriguing to me over the past few years. Last year I attempted to stop worrying about worldly possessions, only to fall back once again into their grasp. This time I mean it, I want to live very minimally. I want to enjoy the world around me, I want to see the beauty that I have been provided by Mother Earth.
I need to say it again, life is way to fucking short. We need to live with intent and just dance to the beat of our own drum. As I’ve said many times I’m close with mortality and I want to make the most of my time left on this world. It’s finally time a put true value into my life and make memories. Yes I already “value” my life, but I’m talking about it making something more fulfilling out of my time. We need to live for today rather than worrying about tomorrow.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called present.
Master Oogway, Kung Fu Panda
As my reality checks have proven to me, tomorrow isn’t guaranteed and never will be. It’s time to finally live and ride my wave. Yes the path I laid out in front of myself will require me to alter my lifestyle, but honestly it’s a needed change. By shifting my focus from worldly possessions to otherworldly possessions (memories, experiences, fulfillment) I will bring more value to my life.
It’s times like these when you need to listen to the calls of your heart.
Yes life does suck at time, but remember it’s all about perception. I remember back during March of 2019, one of the things that I would wish for is for something to “just be easy for once.” On the surface the last three years for me have been the roughest to say the least. 2018 – divorce, 2019 – Cystic Fibrosis and self-destruction, 2020 – I got COVID-19 (lovely combo COVID and CF make), but when I look this all now with sober eyes, these are just hurdles for personal growth. If anything I’m just the luckiest dude at being unlucky.
There was a CFer who posted on Reddit asking if anyone else was angry at life. When you have a chronic disease usually that means you are faced with a set of hurdles not many get to see. And yes Cystic Fibrosis is like no other disease out there. I will way that yes, specifically last year, that I was angry at life. That anger wasn’t misplaced, I truly felt my life all of a sudden got even more tougher than it needed to be. There are many in the community who share these same sentiments, we feel as if we are burdens to our family, we hold our loved ones back, we constantly need special attentions, and our physical bodies limit what we can do.
I’ve been through hell today
Good things are bound to come my way
– The Interrupters, Good Things, Say it Out Loud
Now when I look back from today, my eyes don’t see life as being tough. What I see is a series of challenges to make me stronger both mentally and physically. In the “Angry at Life” Reddit post I likened a life with CF with having life set to the “Legendary” difficulty setting whereas other may have it set lower by default. And remember life can always be worse. I’m lucky enough to still hav both of my parents, I have most of my health, and I’m standing on the right side of the Earth. It’s that simple thought that can bring you back to center.
There is only one god, and His name is Death. And there is only one thing we say to Death: ‘not today’
-Arya Stark
As I’ve stated in the past, I’ve had to come face to face with mortality multiple times. Whether it be knowing that one of my medical conditions could turn against me, my previous attempt at suicide, or my current run-in with COVID-19. With my eyes finally clear and my mind focused I say to the god of Death “Not Today.”
Just remember, it could always could be worse. Life at the end of the day will work its way out. Its up to you to face this challenges and tackle them head-on. After you have climbed the mountain that is your journey, you will rewarded with knowing the fact that you have looked adversity in the eyes and conquered the tasks you were given.
Male infertility, or really infertility in general can be a huge contributor to issues with depression, self-confidence, lack of communication, and suffering.
My own journey with infertility came to be due to a failing marriage (now it wasn’t the cause). Now I will say that this journey has brought a lot of closure to me and has explained 30 years worth of medical mysteries about myself. But it wasn’t without any pain or self doubts along the way.
Last year, shortly after my diagnosis I made a tough decision for myself that likely I would not have any biological children. This was due to the fact that I have 2 rare genetic diseases/mutations, one of which is almost guaranteed to be passed down and the other is a 25% chance if my partner is also carries a CF related gene. Sorry mom and dad, looks like bio-grandkids aren’t on the table for now at least, but there will be the 4 legged kind.
Luckily when I started down this path I was already seeing a therapist to help me with my issues with depression and anxiety, however some may not be so lucky. I still remember the day I got the result back from my second semen sample test and finding out again that a big fat zero sperm were in my sample. So does my not-gonna-make-a-baby baby gravy make me any less a of a man? Does the fact that I cannot naturally impregnate someone of the opposite sex make me less than I am?
I will say, yes I did experience a bout of depression after getting my second round of results back from my fertility doctor. That is to be expected when going through a life event of this sort. Now my experience with infertility might be a little different than your’s however. I came with a factory installed vasectomy due to a little chronic disease known as Cystic Fibrosis. When I was walking through this journey, I knew deep down that my likely answer to my infertility was always going to CF related. When I looked back at my current and past medically history, all roads pointed to CF in my eyes. And to be fair the depression for me at least, was greater after my trip to the urologist for a once over, and that is when we discovered my lack of a vas deferens. My urologist did tell me not all was lost and he has helped many CF patients with harvesting sperm to utilize for artificial insemination. And I do know that you should be able to get some kind of insurance coverage as the procedure is medically necessary.
Infertility doesn’t make me any less of a man. And infertility doesn’t make you any less of a person either. I know that are those out there that wish they had a factory installed vasectomy. Now I may not know what it is like to suffer from a hormonal infertility, but I do know that there are therapeutic medication that helps balance everything out.
In other chapters I have been very critical of our society as a whole for a variety of reasons, the main one being the “go, go, go” mentality. Its times like this where we truly need to slow down. Life will always bring some level of hurdles our way, and yes some may be taller for some some, but its your race. Life’s major hurdles like this are intended for us to slow down and appreciate what we are about to learn. When we move mindfully through our hurdles, we pause and reflect on we are able to build a greater understanding of that moment in time.
For those who are out there suffering in silence, don’t be afraid to lean on others. I know I sound like a broken record at times, but seeking professional help was the best single decision I did for myself. Think of it this way, infertility is just another speed bump in the journey we call life. Yes it’s definitely one of the tougher bumps, but you’ll get through it.
One other quick note that I would like to add, is I have always struggled with the idea of mortality. Yes, I know we all won’t make it out of this alive and it’s best to enjoy the ride now and not have any regrets later. This struggle can be linked to the need to have multiple surges and having to go under anesthesia multiple times. There has been research completed that has linked some level of PTSD with surgical needs. The reason why I’m bringing this up is I also have a rare genetic bone mutation (Hereditary Multiple Exostoses) , where my body produces benign bony tumors/spurs through out my skeletal structure. These aren’t like Cadet Bone Spurs claims to have, these are actual tumors. Luckily my case is mild, but I’ve had to have a few surgeries to remove some spurs that were either limiting joint movement or causing growth defects. Now with the last surgery that I had in 2015, I recovered physically very well, but mentally it was a struggle. The idea of a meaningless death was always passing though my thoughts.
Let’s get back to our current timeline. March of 2019 I started revisiting my demons of the past, mainly the idea surrounding my past attempt at suicide. Now this wasn’t an idea that I need to follow through with it this time; it was more or so was my previous attempt to free me from a life of pain and struggle. One more tidbit that I would like to bring up about myself is that I developed over time an issue with alcohol. With my metabolism I would usually need to drink quite a bit and fast to maintain any kind of buzz. I would also drink frequently to try and destress, usually to no avail. Also as pointed out by a friend, I’m the kind of person who is able to hide how drunk they are physically. What I’m getting at here is when I would be in the right mindset I would drink too much and would make bad decisions. Yes I have in the past I’ve had one to many to drink and drove home.
“Intrusive thoughts are thoughts that seem to become stuck in the mind. They can cause distress, as the nature of the thought may be upsetting. They may also reoccur frequently, which can make the concern worse.
Intrusive thoughts may be violent or disturbing. They may be thoughts of a sexual nature, including fantasies. They can also be thoughts about behaviors you find unacceptable and abhorrent.
These thoughts, however, are just thoughts. They seemingly appear out of nowhere, cause anxiety, but have no meaning in your life. They’re not warning messages or red flags. They’re simply thoughts.
What gives them power is that people who experience them become worried about their significance. They may fixate on them and become ashamed, intent on keeping them secret from others.
As long as you recognize that these are thoughts only and have no desire toact on them, intrusive thoughts aren’t harmful.“*
During this stretch of time these thoughts were racing though my mind constantly. Once again I became enthralled with the idea of mortality and death. These thoughts damn near paralyzed me when I was by myself. Now I want you all to know my life was never in danger during these times. I had developed a kind of a sub-conscious defense mechanism towards, which was basically being afraid of dying.
Now for my birthday that year I decided to spend it with my family up north. I flew up to Maine to spend a few days with family and to get away from my job, my stressors, and to try and find some peace within myself. When I was in Maine, life slowed down for the first time in years. I felt the crunch of the snow beneath my boots, I heard the slight taps of the snow gently hitting the window, I saw the beauty in nature, my soul was at peace.
Harrison, Maine
I now know what it Henry David Thoreau felt when writing Walden. I have always in some related to the works of Transcendentalism by Thoreau and Emerson. In my eyes we are all children of the Earth and each one of us are in control of our own destiny, not some outside force and I wholeheartedly believe the power of individualism.
Music has always been apart of me whether it was playing in band in middle, high school, or college, from the latest new releases to my very eclectic tastes in genres. The album pictured above, Bon Iver’s For Emma, Forever Ago has been an album that always spoke to my soul. In another post I’ll be visit the idea on how crucial music has been to my mental health.
Overall April was shaping up to be a really good month, I found peace for the first time in a long time, I bought one of my dream cars, and I felt as if I was hitting all the right strides. But this surely would last, right?
May comes in like a lion (anime reference). I start dating a new girl who on the surface seemed really cool. She like the same sports as I do, she like the same music, and she wasn’t judgmental (or at least appeared to be). One quick piece of important information is that USF and Tampa General Hospital are apart of the MyChart app where you are able to communicate with your doctors, get test results, and notifications of upcoming appointments. It was around the middle of May when I received a notification to my phone notifying me of an upcoming appointment with the CF clinic. My last communication with them was back in February when they told me they would call me with the results of my genetic panel when they received my test results back. This seemed really odd to me as I never received that call but I suddenly had a follow up appointment. So in the morning I called the office to inquire as to why I had the appointment scheduled. The receptionist told me that I had been added as a patient to the CF clinic. I asked her to set a call with the doctor so I can go over my results.
Fuck
As the title suggests my house of cards collapsed. I finally got the call I was dreading when I was at work of all places. I stepped aside for a few minutes to hear what the doctor had to say. Inside I was dying from the realization of what my new normal would be and the challenges I may face down the road, however I couldn’t show that here, needed to keep a proverbial mask on to hide behind. Needed to be that cheery individual, while knowing full well I was figuratively dying on the inside.
Fuck
I just turned 30 how could this be happening. My world was crumbling beneath my feet. The stress from this and my job was causing me at this point in time to throw up between 2 and 3 times per day, I wasn’t eating as much as I normally do, I was breaking down and I hadn’t hit rock bottom yet. Most of the individuals who are diagnosed with CF unfortunately loose their life by their mid-30s due to medical complications as our lungs fill with a thick mucus which makes it difficult to breathe. Now I’m used to the idea that medical complications may end my life short. The bone disease that I also have opens me up to the possibility of osteosarcoma (bone cancer) as I already have the bony tumors, but they can turn cancerous. But this was entirely different.
Fuck
Do I really only have a few more years to live? Is this it? Is this how it going to end for me? These are the thoughts and more dominated my mind for the next two months, until I was able to get a hold of my doctor again. I suffered my worst mental breakdown in the month of June. I didn’t want to do anything, I was barely sleeping, eating, taking care of myself, and just existing.
Ding, this is your Capitan speaking please we’ve lost all cabin pressure, please prepare for a crash landing.
Luckily on my next conversation with my medical team I was told my case is considered mild/light and it will not end life early. Slight sigh of relief, but the damage remains.
Now I attribute my ex-girlfriend with providing me with a few good things. She got me to stop drinking.
Now that I’m not drinking, my mind was looking for new sources of endorphins, enter my self destructive and self sacrificing nature. I saw my then girlfriend as someone who I could “save.” She had her own issues and I felt that I was the one who could build her up so she could see her own potential. While completely ignoring everything that I needed.
Reaching out for help
It was around July that I felt my grasp on everything starting to slip. I made a post on the Cystic Fibrosis subreddit on how does everyone do it all. Now during this time my body was literally tell me to slow down. I would get these crazy stress headaches and the vomiting continued and I was loosing a tremendous amount of weight (I lost 20 pounds in just a couple of weeks from barely eating). Looking back at it all I know I should have listened to my body, ended the relationship as it was completely one sided and listened to the advice of my peers and put CF before EVERYTHING. But I am me and I’m pigheaded and very persistent.
The path that I chose to walk was the one of total self annihilation, I hit rock bottom and continued on a downward spiral til I was barely recognizable to the person I used to be. I never really got to thank my old coworkers who obviously noticed something wasn’t quite right with me during this time and I would reluctantly make a quip as to I’m ok and what is normal. Thank you. I wasn’t ok during this time, I was barely myself and I was hiding behind a mask because I couldn’t bear the person who I had become.
It was around the end of October when I started to pull the wool away from my eyes. I received a tremendous offer to be a second photographer for a local event that was being covered by a local professional photographer in the St. Pete area. Instead of being met with praise and congratulations, I was met with “umm you need to drive me (ex-girlfriend) around.” To which I correctly responded, I need to make money so I’m taking this job so you are an adult you can drive yourself. Also during this month I found another bug/glitch within myself (some call those feature, looking at you EA), hypomania. Now during most of the month of October I had been trying to help my ex-girlfriend clean her apartment due to her hoarding nature and complete lack of self-motivation. Durning the last week of October my mind was moving a million miles per minute. I would have to try and force myself to sleep. Even 6 higher strength CBD gummies plus melatonin would fail put a dent in my over active mind. Being up for 26 hours straight with no real release was scary.
Right before the end of the year I had my last quarterly check up with my CF team. They told me that they wanted to get me on the new wonder CF medication as it will help prevent me from getting lung infections and will help with getting the crud out of my lungs. What may seem like a small step in the whole grand scheme of things was another reality crushing step for me. This made it truly real, I really do have a chronic disease that I now have to manage.
For me 2020 started out as journey of self discovery and betterment. After one too many lies I finally listened to myself and saw what everyone else saw. I finally broke off the relationship I was in, I made the tough decision to leave the job I was at for the past 4 years, and decided it was time to work for myself.
That was a doozy. Like I said before I think everything happens for a reason, my former marriage unknowingly answered medical questions that I didn’t even realize that I had, my relationship with my ex-girlfriend helped me discover what rock bottom really felt like and to really understand what I need to get back to that moment of peace I so desperately needed. I’m getting closer to finding the place of peace within myself everyday and this time of self-reflecting has been a beacon of light that has ignited a new sense of purpose within me.
I know this post was a little longer than the last two, but I didn’t want to split this part of the story up. My next post will be about looking forward, appreciating the past.
Alright let’s pick up from where we ended at the last post. My relationship was looking like it might not be the best, and I am unequivocally afraid of disappointing my parents.
So about about a 3 year time skip, (roughly 4 years into my relationship my ex-wife/partner), her father is diagnosed with advanced lung cancer and has about 6 months to 1 year to live. So as you can imagine this put us all in a reality we did not want to live. Now during this time I did become close with my ex’s father and I did feel some level of duty to make sure his family was taken care of in the event of his passing, which would unfortunately happen a short 6 months after his initial diagnosis. It was during one of his later stints in the ICU that I would ask him if I could marry his daughter, to which I received an emphatic “yes.” I figured maybe this “shot” of good news/happiness would somehow spur on some kind of hope that he would live a little longer. As usual this falls in to a case of me wanting to try and fix something that likely I would never be able to “fix” as I felt the world around starting to crumble.
It’s worth noting one other aspect of my personality at this point in time. I someone who could be described at times as self-sacrificing to a fault. I will give myself for the benefit of others while neglecting my own needs at time, mostly my mental health.
Alright, let’s get back to the story at hand. Regarding the engagement with my ex-wife/partner, this was another one of those perceived life event that I felt I had to do or else there would be some level of disappoint likely to happen. Now regarding this event when my ex-wife and I mutually agreed separation/divorce was the best thing for us, we both sheltered the blame for not listening to ourselves and our own hesitations. It was all likely due to matter of life situations all happening at once, the loss of her father, my rampant mental health issues that I was neglecting, and just wanting to follow in others expectations of us.
During our 5ish years of marriage everything wasn’t all happy and rainbows, we would have fights over the stupidest of things and would rush to do things in order “fix” our problems. What appeared on the outside a happy go lucky couple, in reality wasn’t much of that at times. Roughly 18 months before we would decide to separate we decided we were going to start a family. What better way to fix a marriage that was falling apart, than to through kids into the mix. This singular decision ultimately led to one of my greatest mental breakdown roughly two years later.
It was around this time when I finally decided it was time to seek professional help to deal with my issues with depression, anxiety, and other facets of myself. This would go on to be one of the best decisions I would make.
After a year or so of trying to get pregnant with non actual luck, at the recommendation of one of my ex-wife/partner’s friends we saw a fertility doctor. My ex was the first one to get test to make sure everything was a-ok. And as expected she was as healthy as a horse. Now it was my turn. So I schedule a test to provide a sample of my bisquick, to see what my swimmers were doing. After we got the results back it was a fat zero, zip, nada in my sample. So the doctor wanted me to re-do the test to make sure nothing went wrong in the first one and low and behold the same exact result: zip, zero, nada in my sample. Apparently I only shoot blanks.
After consulting with the doctor on the result of my test it would either boil down to two reasons: something hormonal or Cystic Fibrosis. Now I was pretty confident I didn’t have any issues with testosterone due to certain anatomy and my ability to maintain muscle. Also for background info I have always had issues with sweating, slight digestive discomfort with fattier foods, had terrible ear infection as an infant, I never really gained much weight even though I could eat like a dump truck, and my lungs could never truly support the physical activities I liked doing (cycling, playing my trumpet/marching band, hiking, etc…).
After the first round of blood work my hormones were indeed okay as my body produces the necessary stuff to make sperm. However on the first genetic test I received, I did get a answer I was not wanting to see. I tested positive for the Delta 508 gene for cystic fibrosis. I want to interject real quick, there are multiple levels of cystic fibrosis, you can be a carrier with one genetic mutation, you can have two mutation and be asymptomatic (and in males it typically just infertility related), you can have a mild case, or you can have a regular case. So after I received my first positive test for the cystic fibrosis gene, my fertility doctor scheduled me an appointment with a urologist to make sure there were no other reasons as to why I’m infertile. After getting a ultrasound complete, which showed everything downstairs was normal, we did a simple evaluation. Upon completion of the evaluation it was discovered that I didn’t not have a vas deferens (the tube that connects all the wedding tackle together). Yep, I have a factory installed vasectomy.
This was a shot to my psyche.
Please return your trays to their upright and locked position, we are in for a bumpy ride.
This was likely my smoking gun. My urologist had never seen a case where a simple carrier of cystic fibrosis was infertile. That led to the realization that I likely had some level of the disease. After this appointment I was scheduled to see a regular family doctor for base line bloodwork test and was recommended to see a pulmonologist. After I completed some basic test with the pulmonologist, it was determined it would be best to refer me to the cystic fibrosis clinic as all roads point to there. The only explanation for everything that I had been experiencing health wise pointed to this or some hyper rare neurological disease. The month of February 2019 was probably one of the more rougher months that I had experienced. In that month alone, my divorce was finalized, we sold the house, and had received the news I was dreading.
One of the key tests in determining where one has cystic fibrosis is a simple sweat test to determine the level of “saltiness” in one’s sweat. Now I’ve already mentioned I’ve had this problem since I could remember, so you know where the story is heading. When I got the results back, my levels were elevated. A literal ton of bricks fell on me. I had arranged a quick office visit to get a blood sample taken and sent up to John Hopkins Cystic Fibrosis clinic for a full genetic panel to be complete as there was no doubt at this point that I had the disease in some level. It would take a full 3 months to get my results back.
I think this is a good stopping point for now at least. These 10 years 2009-2019 would some of the more impactful times in my life. I’m not a religious individual, but I do believe that things happen for a reason and at the time the event happens we may not know the answer to the “why” but some day we might. I feel very strongly about self reflection and self learning. We learn from our mistakes to shape our future. During my time in therapy we have been building a mindset of mindfulness. With the goal of being mindful of my emotions and myself so I can live with this events and guide myself through them. Going to therapy isn’t going to “cure” you of your depression or anxiety, but will allow you to understand these very complex states of emotion.
I’ll pick up where we left off with my next post, with my new found reality.
Musing 