No not that Chronic. What I’m talking about is chronic diseases and other medically maladies.

I’m no stranger to the chronic, chronic diseases that is. But these days I do deal with both types of chronic. Having medical problems that are always nipping at your heels can really drag you down at times. For me I’ve 2 major chronic diseases/mutations. Luckily I have a mild case of Cystic Fibrosis (CF) and my one wild card is Hereditary Multiple Exostoses (HME). HME is the one I worry about more than CF. With CF it can be controlled through activity and medication, HME on the hand is a growth mutation wherein my body during puberty grew benign bone tumors throughout my skeletal structure. When I go for orthopedic check up it usually results in some type of surgery to correct a defect.

Recently I had to visit a hand surgeon to discuss some option on lessening some arthritis pain in my right wrist. When I was roughly 11 I had 2 staples placed in my radius on my right wrist to hopefully slow down bone growth as my wrist was starting to grow at a 45 degree angle. The staples did their job, but it ended up not being a runaway success. Come to find out the radius and ulna have practically fused in my right forearm due to my bone condition. I was presented with 3 surgical options, 2 of which were still invasive but not super invasive and the last one was reality setting.

The doctor informed me radiologically what I needed was an ulna head replacement surgery. Yep I’m a 31 year old dude with the skeletal structure of someone at least twice my age. Problem is I’m way too young for this surgery even though it what I honestly problem need to fix my problem. Besides age there is absolutely no way I’d want this, as it would be a complete lifestyle change with major limitations on physical activity. For at least this appointment reopened Pandora’s box within my mind. The route we decided is to trim down the head of my ulna and more or less prep me for future replacement surgery when my age is right. Replacement surgery generally has a shelf life of between 10-15 years.

This isn’t the only issue I’m currently managing right now, both my knees are absolutely shot at this point and my right ankle has a good bone on bone grind. I know I’m never going to be done with surgery and there will always be something on the horizon.

Yes both of my chronic diseases/mutations do add to my anxiety and depression in their own ways. CF will occasionally bring me coughing fits that literally bring me to my knees and excruciating pain in my head and additional anxiety at night when I have a slight difficultly breathing. HME with the one who always rears it ugly head and taunts me with forcing unwanted change upon me.

If you are struggling with a chronic disease like me, just know that there others out there struggling along side with you. Mortality and me have close for at least the past 10 years, whether was the dance we had back leading up to my suicide attempt or the news of my CF diagnosis. We still talk to this day and there always a new reminder that they are waiting to meet again. Yes life is tough but we all have our own hurdles to climb, some are taller than others. When dealing with a chronic disease YOU have to manage it, not allow it to manage you.

I will say yes, that my chronic diseases have lead my routine pain both physically and mentally. Which is why now I’ve received my recommendation for medical marijuana (sorry grandma but it’s the only pain relieving medication I can actually take).

When I feel that I’m starting to lose control I resort back to one of my rituals. Typically in most cases music will get me back on track mentally. In some more serious case I’ll do some mindful meditations to invoke a little self-reflection. I’m lifetime believer in that things happen for a reason. What jump started this current path for me was my side hustle. On the side I was detailing cars. Early in August I was wrapping up on a detail for a friend and all of a sudden my wrist became useless for two days straight. This was my body telling me to seek a new route for self employment.

Do I wish that I had it easier? Hell yes I wish my life would be easier medically. I’ve been retraining myself to manage my diseases and expectations. I know that there others out there who have it a lot worse than I do.