I knew at some point I was going to have to write this chapter. This has been a tough one.
Now I need to preface this for my family that follows along. Don’t worry I’m okay, I have my rough days but I’m still here.
Suicide isn’t something you just get over. Luckily I had someone in my corner that pulled me back from the edge that day. As I’ve said multiple times the best thing I ever did for myself was seek professional help. I was struggling with depression and to be fair I still have my moments. But I’m still here today.
The past 2-3 years have been arguably some of the roughest times for me. I’ve dealt with loss, failure, and the utter destruction of who I was. But I’m still here, still fighting. Not gonna lie on this one, but my depression was pretty bad back last summer and fall. There was point in time that my ex-girlfriend and mother were worried that I had made another attempt at my life as I had expressed interest in doing so. But once again, I’m still here, still moving forward.
Throughout my time in therapy, my therapist has expressed that I exhibit signs of what is known as double depression. My depression causes manifestations of mental pain that drive me insane. During my time in therapy we have been focusing on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to treat most of my symptoms. Now I’ve never been officially diagnosed as labels never help anybody out in situations like this. I want to quickly interject real quick, I’m not a licensed or trained professional and these writings are from my own experiences only. Do not use them to self-diagnosis, seek professional help for that.
To me at least suicide will always be apart of me, more so the fact that I have tried to make a serious attempt at my life. Now I will say I’ve continued to have thoughts around suicide due my continued fight with depression. But remember I’m still here, still on the right side.
Therapy for me has been a blessing. I’ve learned to live through my depression and guide myself through to the other side of these dark tunnels. I still have my days where a I feel like I’m once again falling back into the void of darkness, but this time I have I can pull myself out. I’ve learned to take bite size pieces of activities that I enjoy to maintain the pleasure that I get from them. I organize my day to the best of my abilities. I maintain a routine. I acknowledge my shitty days. I take time to learn from them to better myself.
“Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up”
–Jim Valvano
Yes, depression is something you can live with, and not allow you to be dominated by it. When I feel an onset of an episode I prepare myself to endure the emotions that I’m about to go through. I hold my dog close to me, I put on my favorite albums, and cook my favorite foods. Remember I’m still here, still struggling but still living. I want you to know if you are going through a rough patch in your life, that you can get through it. If you need some one to listen to you, my Instagram info is in the upper right hand corner. There is always the suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255.
If you have a loved one that is going through some tough times or has previously made an attempt at their life, please don’t try to coddle them. That has never worked for me and has usually made things worse. Most of us already feel like we are burden on ourselves and families and we don’t need someone doing everything for us. Rather show support. Simple things like touch go a long ways. I know for myself, sometimes a simple embrace can go a long way. Humans have an innate need for touch and we can convey most of our feelings and emotion through non-verbal communication. Above all just listen and validate to your loved one’s concerns. These are real concerns. Also instead of asking “how you are doing” try giving your loved one a compliment. Today’s society has made it almost taboo to compliment another male. Break that stigma. Compliments will help that individual feel better about themselves.
This is a time to build each other up. Suicide is a taboo subject, and it effect far too many. Some see it as a release from the pain they endure, but in reality all it does is transfer that pain to someone else. Remember you matter, we all matter. The pain will lessen over time. You can live through this, I am, and you can too.
Yes life does suck at time, but remember it’s all about perception. I remember back during March of 2019, one of the things that I would wish for is for something to “just be easy for once.” On the surface the last three years for me have been the roughest to say the least. 2018 – divorce, 2019 – Cystic Fibrosis and self-destruction, 2020 – I got COVID-19 (lovely combo COVID and CF make), but when I look this all now with sober eyes, these are just hurdles for personal growth. If anything I’m just the luckiest dude at being unlucky.
There was a CFer who posted on Reddit asking if anyone else was angry at life. When you have a chronic disease usually that means you are faced with a set of hurdles not many get to see. And yes Cystic Fibrosis is like no other disease out there. I will way that yes, specifically last year, that I was angry at life. That anger wasn’t misplaced, I truly felt my life all of a sudden got even more tougher than it needed to be. There are many in the community who share these same sentiments, we feel as if we are burdens to our family, we hold our loved ones back, we constantly need special attentions, and our physical bodies limit what we can do.
I’ve been through hell today
Good things are bound to come my way
– The Interrupters, Good Things, Say it Out Loud
Now when I look back from today, my eyes don’t see life as being tough. What I see is a series of challenges to make me stronger both mentally and physically. In the “Angry at Life” Reddit post I likened a life with CF with having life set to the “Legendary” difficulty setting whereas other may have it set lower by default. And remember life can always be worse. I’m lucky enough to still hav both of my parents, I have most of my health, and I’m standing on the right side of the Earth. It’s that simple thought that can bring you back to center.
There is only one god, and His name is Death. And there is only one thing we say to Death: ‘not today’
-Arya Stark
As I’ve stated in the past, I’ve had to come face to face with mortality multiple times. Whether it be knowing that one of my medical conditions could turn against me, my previous attempt at suicide, or my current run-in with COVID-19. With my eyes finally clear and my mind focused I say to the god of Death “Not Today.”
Just remember, it could always could be worse. Life at the end of the day will work its way out. Its up to you to face this challenges and tackle them head-on. After you have climbed the mountain that is your journey, you will rewarded with knowing the fact that you have looked adversity in the eyes and conquered the tasks you were given.
Male infertility, or really infertility in general can be a huge contributor to issues with depression, self-confidence, lack of communication, and suffering.
My own journey with infertility came to be due to a failing marriage (now it wasn’t the cause). Now I will say that this journey has brought a lot of closure to me and has explained 30 years worth of medical mysteries about myself. But it wasn’t without any pain or self doubts along the way.
Last year, shortly after my diagnosis I made a tough decision for myself that likely I would not have any biological children. This was due to the fact that I have 2 rare genetic diseases/mutations, one of which is almost guaranteed to be passed down and the other is a 25% chance if my partner is also carries a CF related gene. Sorry mom and dad, looks like bio-grandkids aren’t on the table for now at least, but there will be the 4 legged kind.
Luckily when I started down this path I was already seeing a therapist to help me with my issues with depression and anxiety, however some may not be so lucky. I still remember the day I got the result back from my second semen sample test and finding out again that a big fat zero sperm were in my sample. So does my not-gonna-make-a-baby baby gravy make me any less a of a man? Does the fact that I cannot naturally impregnate someone of the opposite sex make me less than I am?
I will say, yes I did experience a bout of depression after getting my second round of results back from my fertility doctor. That is to be expected when going through a life event of this sort. Now my experience with infertility might be a little different than your’s however. I came with a factory installed vasectomy due to a little chronic disease known as Cystic Fibrosis. When I was walking through this journey, I knew deep down that my likely answer to my infertility was always going to CF related. When I looked back at my current and past medically history, all roads pointed to CF in my eyes. And to be fair the depression for me at least, was greater after my trip to the urologist for a once over, and that is when we discovered my lack of a vas deferens. My urologist did tell me not all was lost and he has helped many CF patients with harvesting sperm to utilize for artificial insemination. And I do know that you should be able to get some kind of insurance coverage as the procedure is medically necessary.
Infertility doesn’t make me any less of a man. And infertility doesn’t make you any less of a person either. I know that are those out there that wish they had a factory installed vasectomy. Now I may not know what it is like to suffer from a hormonal infertility, but I do know that there are therapeutic medication that helps balance everything out.
In other chapters I have been very critical of our society as a whole for a variety of reasons, the main one being the “go, go, go” mentality. Its times like this where we truly need to slow down. Life will always bring some level of hurdles our way, and yes some may be taller for some some, but its your race. Life’s major hurdles like this are intended for us to slow down and appreciate what we are about to learn. When we move mindfully through our hurdles, we pause and reflect on we are able to build a greater understanding of that moment in time.
For those who are out there suffering in silence, don’t be afraid to lean on others. I know I sound like a broken record at times, but seeking professional help was the best single decision I did for myself. Think of it this way, infertility is just another speed bump in the journey we call life. Yes it’s definitely one of the tougher bumps, but you’ll get through it.
I think I finally understand what this idiom truly means – self-reflection.
As I’ve stated in the past I’m not a religious person. I don’t believe in an omnipotent deity, unless it’s Mother Earth or the Universe. But I do believe everything happens for a reason and sometimes we may not know why something happened until some years after. Take for instance my divorce. That relationship in total lasted just shy of 10 years. During that time I encountered a lot of pain and potential for personal growth. My former partner also learned a lot about herself as well during this time. If anything we came in to each other’s lives to free ourselves from the shells that were made for us. Like me, there was a lot of pressure on her to succeed and have that “storybook” life that every parent wants for their child/children.
What I’m trying to get at here is that over time we become more wise to our past. We see our history in a different light. Our past doesn’t define us, it builds us into who we are to become. The key to all this however is to slow down, which can be tough in today’s society. We are always on the go, need to do the next big thing, buy that cup of coffee, post the perfect selfie on the ‘gram, swipe through Tinder looking for the next match, and maintain that social media facade. At the end of the day, none of that matters.
The main hold up I see with self-reflection is it takes a great deal of self-awareness to fully achieve the ability to heal. The reason I say this is because it wasn’t until recently that I was able to fully make this connection. And the only way I was able to unlock my own self-awareness was through the help of therapy. Through therapy I was able to fully discover who Tony really was/is, what drove my past, what I wanted, and above all I was able to open my third eye. Now that last one didn’t come easy, though the practice of yoga and breathing exercises I am able to clear my mind and only see myself. When you look back at your past with this mindset, you don’t see failures, pain, or regrets, you simply see the wisdom you’ve gain during that time. There is no way to live without experiencing some kind of pain, that what it means to be human (another reason to watch Neon Genesis Evangelion and End of Evangelion). Our pain will teach us what is most important in life.
The crux of all is modern day society that puts a value of the material over that of the immaterial (e.g.: your time, family, mental health, etc…) because most of us have to work in order to live. I do think we are heading towards a tipping point in which we may see our society start to evolve due to the challenges we are facing and citizens no longer accepting status quo as the “normal.” COVID-19 has starting pushing us to a new normal and peaceful protests are finally making the impact that is sorely needed to make change.
I know you may be thinking to yourself “I don’t have time for this right now…” but in reality you likely do. If you are someone who likes going to the gym, look for a yoga class to join (or if you are like me and are immunocompromised YouTube has plenty of videos you can follow along with). Instead of looking at Facebook before going to bed, go to Chilled Cow’s YouTube channel and listen to one of their lofi hip hop live streams and close your eyes. Allow yourself to be drawn into the music and escape to a new realm within your mind.
One more thing I would like to touch on is self-awareness versus consciousness. Being self-aware is being able to view yourself as an observer (think you are looking at yourself in the third person), whereas consciousness is more or less knowing where you are at in time (present moment kinda stuff). Self-awareness comes from the ability to understand what makes you tick and really living with your emotions. For a good read on self-awareness please check out this link.
Change doesn’t come quick and it shouldn’t. Like I said in the conclusion to Volume 1 of my story, learn from the past to better the future. The main “tools” that I’ve used along my journey into a better understanding of my mental health have simply been becoming more self-aware and self-reflection. I learned what my triggers are and how to better cope with my fluctuations of my emotion.
*Editors Note* This in an interactive post, please start the song linked above before you start reading. Once the song starts you can start reading.
I want to first explain the title of this chapter. It’s a nod to the original anime ending of Neon Genesis Evangelion. Neon Genesis Evangelion explores the complexities of mental health and depression. In the final episode the main character Shinji Ikuno comes face to face with his fear of failure and what it means to be human. I highly recommend everyone watch Neon Genesis Evangelion and then movie Evangelion: The End of Evangelion. By the way if you do watch these, I highly recommend the original Japanese audio with English subtitles.
So what have the last few years taught me? Above all else take care of yourself and all will fall into place. This is the one time is it is okay to be selfish.
What lead me down this path? Worrying about what others thought of me and having to live up to likely a preconceived notion that I had to succeed all the time.
What have I learned? Being mindful of my emotional state and living with my depression and anxiety. It doesn’t define who I am, I am in control. It’s ok to a have a shitty day, it’s ok to get anxious at times. These are normal emotions. I learned to understand what drives these state of emotion within me. I’m better at setting my own expectations of myself and above all breathe. Just breathe, your mind is a powerful tool. Remove distractions from your life. Get back to the basics, focus on you. Do what makes you happy. And above all else do not compromise yourself or change who you are because someone doesn’t like it. You are a beautiful individual.
Just remember it get better. Optimism will carry you farther than pessimism will.
The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.
~ FDR
I’m literally the living embodiment of 1 in a million. I have two super rare genetic diseases/mutations, one (CF) is 1 in every 40,000 and the other (HME) is 1 in 50,000. I like to say that I’ve won the genetic lottery. The point I’m trying to make is we are all unique in our own way. You know what’s best for you. I know my gut instinct has never let me down, that was until I failed to listen.
We don’t have flaws. We have features that make us who we are.
Society has made us desire the material, while pushing us further and further away from what really matters. You matter, we all matter, and never let anyone determine your worth. In a world filled with chameleons trying to fit in with the rest, stand out among the rest and be true to you. Live because you want to, not because someone it telling you to. Our time on this rock floating through space is limited and we need to make the best it.
When I set out to tell my story, my goal was to heal my body and mind from the trauma I put it though. But now that I’ve put it out into the universe I hope that’ll it reach someone who may be in the same shoes as me and I can offer them a ray of hope. Just remember just because someone maybe happy on the outside, you do not know what goes on behind closed doors. One more idiom just for good measure, grass isn’t greener on the other side, its most green where YOU water it.
Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you’ll die today.
~ James Dean
And we have reached the end of Volume 1 of my story. So were I go from here? Well of course I move forward. Soak in the music, allow it to guide you to a place of peace within yourself. From there you will be able work on your own self-reflection. Learn from the past to better the future.
One other quick note that I would like to add, is I have always struggled with the idea of mortality. Yes, I know we all won’t make it out of this alive and it’s best to enjoy the ride now and not have any regrets later. This struggle can be linked to the need to have multiple surges and having to go under anesthesia multiple times. There has been research completed that has linked some level of PTSD with surgical needs. The reason why I’m bringing this up is I also have a rare genetic bone mutation (Hereditary Multiple Exostoses) , where my body produces benign bony tumors/spurs through out my skeletal structure. These aren’t like Cadet Bone Spurs claims to have, these are actual tumors. Luckily my case is mild, but I’ve had to have a few surgeries to remove some spurs that were either limiting joint movement or causing growth defects. Now with the last surgery that I had in 2015, I recovered physically very well, but mentally it was a struggle. The idea of a meaningless death was always passing though my thoughts.
Let’s get back to our current timeline. March of 2019 I started revisiting my demons of the past, mainly the idea surrounding my past attempt at suicide. Now this wasn’t an idea that I need to follow through with it this time; it was more or so was my previous attempt to free me from a life of pain and struggle. One more tidbit that I would like to bring up about myself is that I developed over time an issue with alcohol. With my metabolism I would usually need to drink quite a bit and fast to maintain any kind of buzz. I would also drink frequently to try and destress, usually to no avail. Also as pointed out by a friend, I’m the kind of person who is able to hide how drunk they are physically. What I’m getting at here is when I would be in the right mindset I would drink too much and would make bad decisions. Yes I have in the past I’ve had one to many to drink and drove home.
“Intrusive thoughts are thoughts that seem to become stuck in the mind. They can cause distress, as the nature of the thought may be upsetting. They may also reoccur frequently, which can make the concern worse.
Intrusive thoughts may be violent or disturbing. They may be thoughts of a sexual nature, including fantasies. They can also be thoughts about behaviors you find unacceptable and abhorrent.
These thoughts, however, are just thoughts. They seemingly appear out of nowhere, cause anxiety, but have no meaning in your life. They’re not warning messages or red flags. They’re simply thoughts.
What gives them power is that people who experience them become worried about their significance. They may fixate on them and become ashamed, intent on keeping them secret from others.
As long as you recognize that these are thoughts only and have no desire toact on them, intrusive thoughts aren’t harmful.“*
During this stretch of time these thoughts were racing though my mind constantly. Once again I became enthralled with the idea of mortality and death. These thoughts damn near paralyzed me when I was by myself. Now I want you all to know my life was never in danger during these times. I had developed a kind of a sub-conscious defense mechanism towards, which was basically being afraid of dying.
Now for my birthday that year I decided to spend it with my family up north. I flew up to Maine to spend a few days with family and to get away from my job, my stressors, and to try and find some peace within myself. When I was in Maine, life slowed down for the first time in years. I felt the crunch of the snow beneath my boots, I heard the slight taps of the snow gently hitting the window, I saw the beauty in nature, my soul was at peace.
Harrison, Maine
I now know what it Henry David Thoreau felt when writing Walden. I have always in some related to the works of Transcendentalism by Thoreau and Emerson. In my eyes we are all children of the Earth and each one of us are in control of our own destiny, not some outside force and I wholeheartedly believe the power of individualism.
Music has always been apart of me whether it was playing in band in middle, high school, or college, from the latest new releases to my very eclectic tastes in genres. The album pictured above, Bon Iver’s For Emma, Forever Ago has been an album that always spoke to my soul. In another post I’ll be visit the idea on how crucial music has been to my mental health.
Overall April was shaping up to be a really good month, I found peace for the first time in a long time, I bought one of my dream cars, and I felt as if I was hitting all the right strides. But this surely would last, right?
May comes in like a lion (anime reference). I start dating a new girl who on the surface seemed really cool. She like the same sports as I do, she like the same music, and she wasn’t judgmental (or at least appeared to be). One quick piece of important information is that USF and Tampa General Hospital are apart of the MyChart app where you are able to communicate with your doctors, get test results, and notifications of upcoming appointments. It was around the middle of May when I received a notification to my phone notifying me of an upcoming appointment with the CF clinic. My last communication with them was back in February when they told me they would call me with the results of my genetic panel when they received my test results back. This seemed really odd to me as I never received that call but I suddenly had a follow up appointment. So in the morning I called the office to inquire as to why I had the appointment scheduled. The receptionist told me that I had been added as a patient to the CF clinic. I asked her to set a call with the doctor so I can go over my results.
Fuck
As the title suggests my house of cards collapsed. I finally got the call I was dreading when I was at work of all places. I stepped aside for a few minutes to hear what the doctor had to say. Inside I was dying from the realization of what my new normal would be and the challenges I may face down the road, however I couldn’t show that here, needed to keep a proverbial mask on to hide behind. Needed to be that cheery individual, while knowing full well I was figuratively dying on the inside.
Fuck
I just turned 30 how could this be happening. My world was crumbling beneath my feet. The stress from this and my job was causing me at this point in time to throw up between 2 and 3 times per day, I wasn’t eating as much as I normally do, I was breaking down and I hadn’t hit rock bottom yet. Most of the individuals who are diagnosed with CF unfortunately loose their life by their mid-30s due to medical complications as our lungs fill with a thick mucus which makes it difficult to breathe. Now I’m used to the idea that medical complications may end my life short. The bone disease that I also have opens me up to the possibility of osteosarcoma (bone cancer) as I already have the bony tumors, but they can turn cancerous. But this was entirely different.
Fuck
Do I really only have a few more years to live? Is this it? Is this how it going to end for me? These are the thoughts and more dominated my mind for the next two months, until I was able to get a hold of my doctor again. I suffered my worst mental breakdown in the month of June. I didn’t want to do anything, I was barely sleeping, eating, taking care of myself, and just existing.
Ding, this is your Capitan speaking please we’ve lost all cabin pressure, please prepare for a crash landing.
Luckily on my next conversation with my medical team I was told my case is considered mild/light and it will not end life early. Slight sigh of relief, but the damage remains.
Now I attribute my ex-girlfriend with providing me with a few good things. She got me to stop drinking.
Now that I’m not drinking, my mind was looking for new sources of endorphins, enter my self destructive and self sacrificing nature. I saw my then girlfriend as someone who I could “save.” She had her own issues and I felt that I was the one who could build her up so she could see her own potential. While completely ignoring everything that I needed.
Reaching out for help
It was around July that I felt my grasp on everything starting to slip. I made a post on the Cystic Fibrosis subreddit on how does everyone do it all. Now during this time my body was literally tell me to slow down. I would get these crazy stress headaches and the vomiting continued and I was loosing a tremendous amount of weight (I lost 20 pounds in just a couple of weeks from barely eating). Looking back at it all I know I should have listened to my body, ended the relationship as it was completely one sided and listened to the advice of my peers and put CF before EVERYTHING. But I am me and I’m pigheaded and very persistent.
The path that I chose to walk was the one of total self annihilation, I hit rock bottom and continued on a downward spiral til I was barely recognizable to the person I used to be. I never really got to thank my old coworkers who obviously noticed something wasn’t quite right with me during this time and I would reluctantly make a quip as to I’m ok and what is normal. Thank you. I wasn’t ok during this time, I was barely myself and I was hiding behind a mask because I couldn’t bear the person who I had become.
It was around the end of October when I started to pull the wool away from my eyes. I received a tremendous offer to be a second photographer for a local event that was being covered by a local professional photographer in the St. Pete area. Instead of being met with praise and congratulations, I was met with “umm you need to drive me (ex-girlfriend) around.” To which I correctly responded, I need to make money so I’m taking this job so you are an adult you can drive yourself. Also during this month I found another bug/glitch within myself (some call those feature, looking at you EA), hypomania. Now during most of the month of October I had been trying to help my ex-girlfriend clean her apartment due to her hoarding nature and complete lack of self-motivation. Durning the last week of October my mind was moving a million miles per minute. I would have to try and force myself to sleep. Even 6 higher strength CBD gummies plus melatonin would fail put a dent in my over active mind. Being up for 26 hours straight with no real release was scary.
Right before the end of the year I had my last quarterly check up with my CF team. They told me that they wanted to get me on the new wonder CF medication as it will help prevent me from getting lung infections and will help with getting the crud out of my lungs. What may seem like a small step in the whole grand scheme of things was another reality crushing step for me. This made it truly real, I really do have a chronic disease that I now have to manage.
For me 2020 started out as journey of self discovery and betterment. After one too many lies I finally listened to myself and saw what everyone else saw. I finally broke off the relationship I was in, I made the tough decision to leave the job I was at for the past 4 years, and decided it was time to work for myself.
That was a doozy. Like I said before I think everything happens for a reason, my former marriage unknowingly answered medical questions that I didn’t even realize that I had, my relationship with my ex-girlfriend helped me discover what rock bottom really felt like and to really understand what I need to get back to that moment of peace I so desperately needed. I’m getting closer to finding the place of peace within myself everyday and this time of self-reflecting has been a beacon of light that has ignited a new sense of purpose within me.
I know this post was a little longer than the last two, but I didn’t want to split this part of the story up. My next post will be about looking forward, appreciating the past.
Alright let’s pick up from where we ended at the last post. My relationship was looking like it might not be the best, and I am unequivocally afraid of disappointing my parents.
So about about a 3 year time skip, (roughly 4 years into my relationship my ex-wife/partner), her father is diagnosed with advanced lung cancer and has about 6 months to 1 year to live. So as you can imagine this put us all in a reality we did not want to live. Now during this time I did become close with my ex’s father and I did feel some level of duty to make sure his family was taken care of in the event of his passing, which would unfortunately happen a short 6 months after his initial diagnosis. It was during one of his later stints in the ICU that I would ask him if I could marry his daughter, to which I received an emphatic “yes.” I figured maybe this “shot” of good news/happiness would somehow spur on some kind of hope that he would live a little longer. As usual this falls in to a case of me wanting to try and fix something that likely I would never be able to “fix” as I felt the world around starting to crumble.
It’s worth noting one other aspect of my personality at this point in time. I someone who could be described at times as self-sacrificing to a fault. I will give myself for the benefit of others while neglecting my own needs at time, mostly my mental health.
Alright, let’s get back to the story at hand. Regarding the engagement with my ex-wife/partner, this was another one of those perceived life event that I felt I had to do or else there would be some level of disappoint likely to happen. Now regarding this event when my ex-wife and I mutually agreed separation/divorce was the best thing for us, we both sheltered the blame for not listening to ourselves and our own hesitations. It was all likely due to matter of life situations all happening at once, the loss of her father, my rampant mental health issues that I was neglecting, and just wanting to follow in others expectations of us.
During our 5ish years of marriage everything wasn’t all happy and rainbows, we would have fights over the stupidest of things and would rush to do things in order “fix” our problems. What appeared on the outside a happy go lucky couple, in reality wasn’t much of that at times. Roughly 18 months before we would decide to separate we decided we were going to start a family. What better way to fix a marriage that was falling apart, than to through kids into the mix. This singular decision ultimately led to one of my greatest mental breakdown roughly two years later.
It was around this time when I finally decided it was time to seek professional help to deal with my issues with depression, anxiety, and other facets of myself. This would go on to be one of the best decisions I would make.
After a year or so of trying to get pregnant with non actual luck, at the recommendation of one of my ex-wife/partner’s friends we saw a fertility doctor. My ex was the first one to get test to make sure everything was a-ok. And as expected she was as healthy as a horse. Now it was my turn. So I schedule a test to provide a sample of my bisquick, to see what my swimmers were doing. After we got the results back it was a fat zero, zip, nada in my sample. So the doctor wanted me to re-do the test to make sure nothing went wrong in the first one and low and behold the same exact result: zip, zero, nada in my sample. Apparently I only shoot blanks.
After consulting with the doctor on the result of my test it would either boil down to two reasons: something hormonal or Cystic Fibrosis. Now I was pretty confident I didn’t have any issues with testosterone due to certain anatomy and my ability to maintain muscle. Also for background info I have always had issues with sweating, slight digestive discomfort with fattier foods, had terrible ear infection as an infant, I never really gained much weight even though I could eat like a dump truck, and my lungs could never truly support the physical activities I liked doing (cycling, playing my trumpet/marching band, hiking, etc…).
After the first round of blood work my hormones were indeed okay as my body produces the necessary stuff to make sperm. However on the first genetic test I received, I did get a answer I was not wanting to see. I tested positive for the Delta 508 gene for cystic fibrosis. I want to interject real quick, there are multiple levels of cystic fibrosis, you can be a carrier with one genetic mutation, you can have two mutation and be asymptomatic (and in males it typically just infertility related), you can have a mild case, or you can have a regular case. So after I received my first positive test for the cystic fibrosis gene, my fertility doctor scheduled me an appointment with a urologist to make sure there were no other reasons as to why I’m infertile. After getting a ultrasound complete, which showed everything downstairs was normal, we did a simple evaluation. Upon completion of the evaluation it was discovered that I didn’t not have a vas deferens (the tube that connects all the wedding tackle together). Yep, I have a factory installed vasectomy.
This was a shot to my psyche.
Please return your trays to their upright and locked position, we are in for a bumpy ride.
This was likely my smoking gun. My urologist had never seen a case where a simple carrier of cystic fibrosis was infertile. That led to the realization that I likely had some level of the disease. After this appointment I was scheduled to see a regular family doctor for base line bloodwork test and was recommended to see a pulmonologist. After I completed some basic test with the pulmonologist, it was determined it would be best to refer me to the cystic fibrosis clinic as all roads point to there. The only explanation for everything that I had been experiencing health wise pointed to this or some hyper rare neurological disease. The month of February 2019 was probably one of the more rougher months that I had experienced. In that month alone, my divorce was finalized, we sold the house, and had received the news I was dreading.
One of the key tests in determining where one has cystic fibrosis is a simple sweat test to determine the level of “saltiness” in one’s sweat. Now I’ve already mentioned I’ve had this problem since I could remember, so you know where the story is heading. When I got the results back, my levels were elevated. A literal ton of bricks fell on me. I had arranged a quick office visit to get a blood sample taken and sent up to John Hopkins Cystic Fibrosis clinic for a full genetic panel to be complete as there was no doubt at this point that I had the disease in some level. It would take a full 3 months to get my results back.
I think this is a good stopping point for now at least. These 10 years 2009-2019 would some of the more impactful times in my life. I’m not a religious individual, but I do believe that things happen for a reason and at the time the event happens we may not know the answer to the “why” but some day we might. I feel very strongly about self reflection and self learning. We learn from our mistakes to shape our future. During my time in therapy we have been building a mindset of mindfulness. With the goal of being mindful of my emotions and myself so I can live with this events and guide myself through them. Going to therapy isn’t going to “cure” you of your depression or anxiety, but will allow you to understand these very complex states of emotion.
I’ll pick up where we left off with my next post, with my new found reality.
I guess my first “real” post here should be a glimpse into my story and how I’ve made it to this point in my journey.
Let’s see where to start…
For the longest time I’ve suffered from depression and some level of anxiety. And just for some good measure lets throw in some really bad stress management on the top. These mental hurdles all culminate in a suicide attempt back in 2009 when I was in college due poorly managed stress management and distorted need to always succeed at everything I do.
Let me qualify that last statement real quick. Growing up I was always held to the highest standard academically, and was routinely told to “work with my mind and not with my hands” and “under certain circumstance you shouldn’t have to study for tests.” Yes, I do feel as if I am generally gifted when it comes to intelligence as it refers to book smarts and “street smarts.” I have always had a natural attraction to problem solving, fixing, or discovering how something works mechanically. When I was in high school one of my favorite classes that I took was Auto Mechanics. I was happier than a pig in mud in that class. From working with my hands to fixing cars and learning how it all works tickled my fancy. Most of my friends during that time thought I was going to become a grease monkey (and to be fair that’s what I was really wanting to do). But due to my overwhelming success in chemistry, I was slightly nudged into pursuing Chemical Engineering in college. This is the point in which my story really starts to take shape.
Now I don’t blame my parents for pushing me to pursue a higher education, they ultimately wanted the best for me and wanted me to succeed in areas that they may not have when they were growing up. All throughout high school I had nearly perfect attendance pretty much a A/B student, so it would make sense that I would be fine in college. During my sophomore year in college I had the roughest academic year. My biggest hurdle was trying to pass Calculus I with at least a C. This year was the first time that I had ever failed a class. This caused a little friction in which my parents were a little confused as someone was so gifted in high school was struggling this bad in college. I went on to fail out of the School of Engineering at USF (after taking Calc I a total of 5 times… yea I’m persistent), and transferred into the criminology department to fast track my graduation. Now my sophomore/junior years wasn’t all gloom and doom. I did have a few good things happen as well. During this time I discovered a passion in cycling, enjoyed playing in USF Herd of Thunder (this one made me kinda famous, my photo is featured in NCAA Football 2008), and I would meet my first girlfriend who I would later marry then divorce – more on that later.
During this crucial 2ish year period is when I saw my greatest amount of ups and downs. This all culminated in luckily a failed attempt at suicide, with my then girlfriend pulling me back from the edge, literally. During this time the amount of self-inflicted stress I was carrying was tremendous. My GPA slipped to just under 1.50 (I had always previously managed a 3.8-4.0 GPA throughout my academic career up until this time) and I didn’t know who to tell this to my parents, whom likely may not have been able to understand why I was doing this bad. Add on this a relationship the was already starting to show it may not be for the best.
As always did with my stressors and mental health issues, I shoved them in to the depths of the back of my mind in hopes they would just “go away.” As we all know this doesn’t work.
Once again I felt my relationship was starting to fail and I couldn’t let my family know that I once again “failed” at something, so out of this grew one of my worst personality traits, manipulation. I had been so afraid of failure that I manipulated an individual to stay in a relationship with me for just under 10 years, so I wouldn’t disappoint my family.
As you can see there is an ongoing theme, being afraid of failure and disappointment.
I feel that this is a good end to the opening chapter, that is my story. I’ll pick up where I left on my next post. Thank you for following along with me. I hope with putting myself out there that I might be able to help someone who may be going through the same thing that I went through.
Musing 