I generally have an issue when it’s time to recognize something as real.
I know I had an issue with alcohol, but I never claimed I needed to take a vow of sobriety as that would make my issues with alcohol real. I do not deny the fact that I had issues with abusing alcohol as I’ve driven plenty of times likely over the limit. My lowest point was waking up in a puddle of my own vomit praying to the porcelain god. That morning was a fun therapy session with me being extremely hungover and my therapist not being too pleased with my decisions.
There were times at home where I’d pour a heavy glass of scotch to attempt to drown out my mind, for it to only turn on me and make it worse. Johnnie Walker and I were very close friends but that was a destructive friendship. I had a friend, who in her own words called me “the scary type of drunk” as I was able to hide how intoxicated I actually was. This would always lead to unfortunately driving while over the limit.
I originally stopped heavily drinking when I started dating my ex-girlfriend out of respect. I didn’t want to risk her own sobriety. In January of 2020 I met up with an old coworker at a local bar to shoot the shit and to catch up as I hadn’t been in the office for months to a disability leave for mental health. I told him what had caused me to end up on short term disability and likely where my employment was heading. I was responsible that night drinking well below my limit, but I still felt off. I knew it was time to stop for good.
January 10, 2020 would be the official first day of my journey of sobriety with alcohol. Not going to lie, it was weird hanging with friends when they are drinking and I’m the only sober one there. Do I miss drinking? Not really because drinking brought me into some dark places mentally.
So I will finally say that yes, I am taking a vow of sobriety with alcohol, because I need to recognize the facts that yes I had a real problem that was bound to get a lot worse if I didn’t truly stop. Now I’m not completely sober as I use medicinal marijuana for pain management, but from here forward I will not touch alcohol ever again.
I think it’s time to share the full story on my divorce as I know that there are others out there going through my same situation.
As I stated in chapter 2 of My Story that both my ex-wife/partner both shouldered the blame for our split. We ignored some major red flags and forced things to continue because we were so deep in the lies that we told ourselves. We were both afraid of disappointing our parents, had some level of identity crisis, and an overwhelming need to blindly follow in what society claims is right.
Even though we were together for nearly 10 years, the relationship was rarely ever that stable. During this relationship I grew a manipulative personality and my ex-wife/partner had to hide her true identity behind a mask. The last 3 years of this relationship was where everything started to unravel. September of 2018 the final string holding everything together finally snapped.
My ex-wife/partner embraced her true identity, and came out from behind that mask. She is attracted to women and for the first time she has embraced her identity.
When she said those words with conviction, the rug was pulled from under my feet. I didn’t feel hurt by this revelation as I cared for her as a person and wanted her to fully embrace who she is. At my core I’m a very emphatic person and want to help build people up. Yes, this was a major life change for the both of us, but for different reasons. She was now embracing her true identity, whereas I needed to come to peace with myself. Remember for the longest time I was afraid of being perceived as a failure to my parents, even though they would never do that. I was constantly asking myself “why” during this time. Why did I let this relationship last this long? Why now and not earlier? Why me? I won’t lie I did feel pain during this time and as well as some major rejection. I dreaded telling my parents what was going on, but when I told them I was met with love not disappointment.
Once again my personal insecurities proved to be unfounded.
I want to emphasize I was not mad at my ex-wife/partner for coming out, rather I was proud of her for embracing who she is and wants to be. And I wanted to be supportive during this time as her true being unfortunately may bring along unnecessary judgment by others because of her sexuality. I didn’t want to make a woe is me kind of situation, I wanted to be her support as these were uncharted waters that we were both heading towards.
During this time was when I was going through most of my medical testing trying to figure out what was wrong with me. It really sucked having go through all of this without a support person close by. I felt like everything I was starting to unravel, that’s because it was. During this time was when I at worst when it came to drinking. I was drinking in an attempt to calm my racing mind, but that only sped it up.
February and March of 2019 were some of my lowest points. The divorce was finalized in February as well as the news that I likely have cystic fibrosis came shortly there after. March saw me dance with my daemons once again in the dark depths of my mind. These two months would propel me into the complete downward spiral that would see the complete destruction of who I was.
When I look back at the few years I can’t help but notice the evolution that I’ve completed. I’m not mad that everything unfurled this way, rather I’m upset that we ignored so many red flags over the years. But sometimes events like this have to happen in order to teach us a valuable life lesson. During this time my life went from 60 mph to 0 back up to 200 mph in the blink of an eye. Had I’d slowed down and worked through each hurdle rather than putting the pedal to the metal and ramming through everything I may have made to the other side in one piece rather destroying who I was.
With a new year comes a new drive to obtain new heights. 2020 was meant to be the Year of the Hustle, and in some ways that was true. I was able to get a business up and running and created some opportunities for myself. Now that 2020 is in the rear view mirror, I’ve transferred the detailing business over to my mom and step-dad due to personal physical limitations and have placed all my attention on my new opportunities.
So where does that leave me? Well 2021 will be the Year of the Ascendance. Join me in ascending to new personal heights.
My first big goal is to have my book finished and published by my birthday, just a short 96 days away. Personally when I set goals I try to make them as accomplishable as possible. Now that I’m on the up and up with my hand/wrist I’ll be back to toiling away writing and creating content.
Around here you may see a few changes, I’m going to be including Amazon affiliate links to generate a little revenue as well as starting a YouTube channel to help with marketing and increase my reach as well.
The hustle isn’t going to stop but will only get stronger.
So let’s raise our glasses to the new year. Keep reaching and keep striving towards your goals. You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.
Before we start this conversation, I’d like to thank the sponsor of this chapter THC.
Pearl Jam without a doubt will always my one to true favorite band. And Ten will always be one of my favorite albums. Speaking of Ten, the chart topping, Black, will always strike a chord with me. Black tells the story of an individual who is in a one-sided relationship with self-destruction (huh, sounds kinda familiar).
The quarantine lifestyle really dulled the world around me. But this year hasn’t been the only reason for the melancholy. My total downward spiral is the true culprit of my life of melancholy. Ever since college I was walking a path I didn’t want to follow all because society told me this was the only true path. At times I felt constrained to not explore my true self and became a cog in the machine. After hitting rock bottom I knew a change needed to be made. Lately I’ve been reinvigorated with following the path towards enlightenment and healing energy.
For me the world was in color, but not vibrant colors full of life. While I want to lead a more balanced life, however I want my scales to slightly favor vibrancy, rather than idleness. Mindfulness is the wind that’ll create the waves that you can ride into the sunset. Walking in a world of melancholy of just pure existence is tiring on the soul. I’m constantly tense and clenching my jaw.
I used to always joke that I had a horrible short-term memory, and in fact that is pretty much true. There have been plenty studies regarding memory and issues with depression. It’s not that I blatantly forget everything, it’s more of the fact that my brain remembers the negative rather than the positive memories. October 2020 began my evolution to set positive intentions and spread positivity to those around me.
It’s time we set forth positive intentions to pull us from this ink washed world. Because we will have a nice day.
As I’ve mention in prior chapters that September brought me on to the path of enlightenment. October has introduced introduced setting positive intentions in the daily mix. My constant dance with my past was pulling me further down in the ocean. I was drowning in my struggles with depression. Therapy taught me how to swim to the surface and tread water. The path of enlightenment and positive intentions has jumped started my ability to swim.
Today I went the dispensary for the first time today and picked up my medicine. I figured edibles would be the best route for me, because you know the whole cystic fibrosis thing. I started to unwind and decided I should try out these THC gummies to make sure they gave me the needed effects.
Twenty minutes in and “These edibles ain’t shit and then………..woah .” I proceeded to laugh for twenty minutes straight over something a friend said. Dudes, seriously I laughed for friggen twenty minutes straight. I was fully blazed at this point. I then proceed to launch an assault on an innocent bag of Funyuns. My path towards enlightenment has made me aware of the waves around me constantly. For once I jumped up and rode that wave.
Suddenly my world filled with color and good vibrations. I attribute this to my state of mind prior to my flight. Up until this moment I had been working on keeping a positive mindset while moving forward. I didn’t want to accept the negative, but rather seek positivity and progress. I didn’t want to constrain myself the the depths of the ocean but rather the freedom that they possess.
When I sought out my marijuana recommendation, I didn’t seek it as an escape from depression and that was never my goal. I needed way to manage my arthritic pain. The added serotonin and dopamine are certainly a welcomed effect. Also it helped with a few CF related symptoms. Lord knows I don’t eat nearly enough at times, and sometimes I really need help coughing up phlegm. I can see how the use of marijuana can become habit forming, but in reality all vices do that. But I believe a balanced mind will help in regulating habit forming activities. And holy hell my libido became strong like a bull.
I was fluid once again moving to the beat of my own drum. I felt the tension release and how tired my body truly was. The weight of the world was lifted on my shoulders and felt my true self emerge from its cocoon.
Once I started to descend, I switch the music I was listening to from reggae to slow jazz and kept the vibe going. This singular experience taught me to see in color. What was once gray and melancholy is now full of life and motion.
I felt Alive (pun intended, I couldn’t help myself) for once. I’m gonna go hang ten off my longboard and continue riding this wave.
I’ve always have been a supporter of the legalization of marijuana. We’ve evolved to have cannabinoid receptions in our brains so our ancient ancestors were on something. I come from a long line of hippies, so I’ve held the personal opinion of natural versus processed when it comes to the things I put in my body.
I will say, I’ve never been on any kind of SSRI’s for the treatment of depression and I wholeheartedly say you need to seek professional assistance when dealing with prescriptions. Under no circumstances should you ever suddenly stop taking SSRI’s. Be sure to consult with a trained professional when discussing medication.
No not that Chronic. What I’m talking about is chronic diseases and other medically maladies.
I’m no stranger to the chronic, chronic diseases that is. But these days I do deal with both types of chronic. Having medical problems that are always nipping at your heels can really drag you down at times. For me I’ve 2 major chronic diseases/mutations. Luckily I have a mild case of Cystic Fibrosis (CF) and my one wild card is Hereditary Multiple Exostoses (HME). HME is the one I worry about more than CF. With CF it can be controlled through activity and medication, HME on the hand is a growth mutation wherein my body during puberty grew benign bone tumors throughout my skeletal structure. When I go for orthopedic check up it usually results in some type of surgery to correct a defect.
Recently I had to visit a hand surgeon to discuss some option on lessening some arthritis pain in my right wrist. When I was roughly 11 I had 2 staples placed in my radius on my right wrist to hopefully slow down bone growth as my wrist was starting to grow at a 45 degree angle. The staples did their job, but it ended up not being a runaway success. Come to find out the radius and ulna have practically fused in my right forearm due to my bone condition. I was presented with 3 surgical options, 2 of which were still invasive but not super invasive and the last one was reality setting.
The doctor informed me radiologically what I needed was an ulna head replacement surgery. Yep I’m a 31 year old dude with the skeletal structure of someone at least twice my age. Problem is I’m way too young for this surgery even though it what I honestly problem need to fix my problem. Besides age there is absolutely no way I’d want this, as it would be a complete lifestyle change with major limitations on physical activity. For at least this appointment reopened Pandora’s box within my mind. The route we decided is to trim down the head of my ulna and more or less prep me for future replacement surgery when my age is right. Replacement surgery generally has a shelf life of between 10-15 years.
This isn’t the only issue I’m currently managing right now, both my knees are absolutely shot at this point and my right ankle has a good bone on bone grind. I know I’m never going to be done with surgery and there will always be something on the horizon.
Yes both of my chronic diseases/mutations do add to my anxiety and depression in their own ways. CF will occasionally bring me coughing fits that literally bring me to my knees and excruciating pain in my head and additional anxiety at night when I have a slight difficultly breathing. HME with the one who always rears it ugly head and taunts me with forcing unwanted change upon me.
If you are struggling with a chronic disease like me, just know that there others out there struggling along side with you. Mortality and me have close for at least the past 10 years, whether was the dance we had back leading up to my suicide attempt or the news of my CF diagnosis. We still talk to this day and there always a new reminder that they are waiting to meet again. Yes life is tough but we all have our own hurdles to climb, some are taller than others. When dealing with a chronic disease YOU have to manage it, not allow it to manage you.
I will say yes, that my chronic diseases have lead my routine pain both physically and mentally. Which is why now I’ve received my recommendation for medical marijuana (sorry grandma but it’s the only pain relieving medication I can actually take).
When I feel that I’m starting to lose control I resort back to one of my rituals. Typically in most cases music will get me back on track mentally. In some more serious case I’ll do some mindful meditations to invoke a little self-reflection. I’m lifetime believer in that things happen for a reason. What jump started this current path for me was my side hustle. On the side I was detailing cars. Early in August I was wrapping up on a detail for a friend and all of a sudden my wrist became useless for two days straight. This was my body telling me to seek a new route for self employment.
Do I wish that I had it easier? Hell yes I wish my life would be easier medically. I’ve been retraining myself to manage my diseases and expectations. I know that there others out there who have it a lot worse than I do.
This year, 2020, has taught me truly that life is short and we must act now if we truly want to live. Reality check after reality check really will set your life in focus. Recently my ex-girlfriend reached out to me out of the blue to inform me that a friend had passed away unexpectedly. As I’ve repetitively said, time heals all wounds and the healing energy is really wisdom we’ve gained. I took this moment to clear the air between us, life is way too short to have grudges and petty disagreements. We both held the blame on how we treated each other. During that relationship we were both at low points in our lives and took the pain out on each other. I was delighted to hear she was going through a similar self discovery phase as well. See, things happen for a reason once again in my story.
Real quick on the title of this chapter. The title is a nod to season 2 of Re:Zero kara Hajimeru Isekai Seikatsu episode 33, in which we find the main character, Natsuki Subaru have a mental breakdown as he is finally able to tell someone what has been paining him for so long. As I’ve said in the past, when I set out on this journey writing was an outlet for me to put my story out in the universe. But as of late, I now view this journey to have an open and honest conversation about our mental health.
This year started out with a leap of faith for me, leaving a very stable job with the intentions of personal discovery. September 2020 introduced the path to Enlightenment and a revitalization of my inner focus. Now I see myself approaching another leap of faith in the future.
I’ve had one too many reality checks come my way, and it’s finally time to listen. Life is way too short and tomorrow is honestly never promised. The crossroads I see myself starting to approach is a drive to experience the world. The ever planner that I am, I have set myself a 5 year plan to meet at these crossroads. I see two paths in front of me: 1) move to internationally (Japan, Scotland, Canada, etc…) or 2) buy an RV and drive around the country. It seems I’ve developed a major case of wanderlust.
Moving internationally would definitely be a high risk high reward path to follow. I’ve been learning the Japanese language and I would believe in 5 years I’d be confident in conversational mastery. I have a basic idea on what I would do for employment and where I’d want to live. I do feel as if there is a major part of me pulling me in this direction to step way outside of my comfort zone and just jump in feet first for once. Japan has always drawn me in with its beauty, where it be the shrines that are numerous throughout the country or the beautiful landscapes that seem otherworldly.
Life on the road however will really change me to embrace a life of mindfulness in multiple ways. I view this path that I’m about to take as a spiritual journey to truly connect with both myself and the world around me. Being able to live in multiple states all throughout the year really plays into my inner gypsy. Also with the RV route, I’ll be able to spend quality time with my parents from time to time. My one fear with this route is it’ll play into my general sense of isolationism. I’ve a very introverted person to say the least. I like anonymity, so I fear cutting myself off from a community will cause to further isolate myself. But you never know what the future holds.
Now one of these paths is near impossible for me due my multiple chronic diseases (Cystic Fibrosis and Osteochondromatosis); as most immigration policies are strict for those coming into the country with high medical needs. Also if I were to move to another country I would need to make sure the medication that I’m currently on is available. I am still planning on making trips to Scotland and Japan at some point in time, but at this point I’ve all but ruled out living there. So that leads me to the likely path that I will be embarking on, traveling my own backyard.
Living minimally on the road is something that has been intriguing to me over the past few years. Last year I attempted to stop worrying about worldly possessions, only to fall back once again into their grasp. This time I mean it, I want to live very minimally. I want to enjoy the world around me, I want to see the beauty that I have been provided by Mother Earth.
I need to say it again, life is way to fucking short. We need to live with intent and just dance to the beat of our own drum. As I’ve said many times I’m close with mortality and I want to make the most of my time left on this world. It’s finally time a put true value into my life and make memories. Yes I already “value” my life, but I’m talking about it making something more fulfilling out of my time. We need to live for today rather than worrying about tomorrow.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called present.
Master Oogway, Kung Fu Panda
As my reality checks have proven to me, tomorrow isn’t guaranteed and never will be. It’s time to finally live and ride my wave. Yes the path I laid out in front of myself will require me to alter my lifestyle, but honestly it’s a needed change. By shifting my focus from worldly possessions to otherworldly possessions (memories, experiences, fulfillment) I will bring more value to my life.
It’s times like these when you need to listen to the calls of your heart.
Mindful meditation has been a powerful tool that I’ve been using for the longest time. I was first exposed to the power of meditation when I started practicing yoga. Meditation is key in allowing me to focus my mind and get back on track.
In today’s day and age, we are always on the go and tend to loose sight of what’s really important. I know this concept is truly hard in our society as many of have to work in order to live in some fashion. But we can make the most of the time that we do have on this rock floating through space. We need to A) let go of our stressors or B) readjust what we focus on.
Say it with me, “Fuck that.”
While these meditations may seem not that serious at all, it’s all about the mindset. Seriously fuck that shit that you are constantly worrying about. Just let it go, let it go (why did this snowman suddenly appear?), it’s not worth it and it’s weighing you down both mentally and physically. This year (2020) has taught me that my previous notion of normal was just not that. If anything this year has been a learning experience in mindfulness and a greater understanding of what is really important in life.
Give your mind a break every once in a while and fully clear your headspace. The best tool in your mental health journey is your mind. You need to take care of yourself. I have found that simply slowing down and breathing has helped calm my racing mind. Getting more oxygen into your body and more importantly your brain can help ease moments of anxiety.
Remember you can accomplish what you set your focus towards. Don’t worry about the white noise that life will bring along the way, it doesn’t matter. Just because something is happening right at this moment doesn’t mean it isn’t going to happen at all. Key moments in life will happen when they are supposed to happen and usually at times you least expect it. And above all never let anyone piss all over your parade. Do what you can to remove sources of negativity out of your life (i.e.: turning off 24 hour news networks, limiting exposure to social media, removing bad friends, etc…) because this will ultimately have the greatest impact on a healthy mindset.
Recently I’ve imposed a rule on myself of no social media after 8 at night. I have been using this now free time to realign my mental focus. In the week that I have been following this rule, I’ve been able to successfully start learning a new language, less mental stress and anger, and above all a freer mind.
September 2020 began my journey to fully refocus my quest for inner peace. However this path has evolved into more of a journey seeking enlightenment rather than peace. There will always be some level of chaos, pain, and stress in your life and it better to understand why you are feeling these emotions rather than wishing them away. As I’ve stated in prior chapters I’m not traditionally religious I do have my own set of beliefs. Ever since I read excerpt of Walden back in high school, Transcendentalism has spoke to me, and more recently so has Buddhism. The end goal of my journey is to transcend who Tony really is, and be one with who I am.
Now for something a little different but yet kinda the same.
Just like COVID-19, positivity is both infectious and easily spread to other people. I know that last few chapters have been very pragmatic and usually focusing on the negative aspects of life. However we really need to learn to cherish the good moments in our lives.
Like Mahky Mahk (think Bostonian accent) said “Come on feel the vibration.” Let’s go ahead and have that personal dance party in the kitchen. The music intend in this chapter is intended to get you to get up and move to the grove. Just like living through the bad times, you need to enjoy the good times. Simply set down your phone, turn off social media, drink in the moment, and this will allow you to fully appreciate this moment. We need to disconnect to truly connect with ourselves.
Rhymes will groove you
And I’m here to prove to you
That we can party on the positive side
And pump positive vibes
So come along for the ride
~Dan Hartman / Amir Shakir / Donald Wahlberg / Mark Wahlberg
Remember we are on the journey to lead us to a more balanced life. I’ve been teaching myself to look at the positives in every situation, even if it comes from one of my negative waves. My support system came through for me. Yes I did experience negative emotions but those also came along with positive affirmations.
So are you ready to move to the groove?
During this trying time, I’ve started to turn off the 24 hour news channels and been playing more music. Unfortunately the our news media shows have a strong tendency to sensationalize the stories they report. Now I want throw in a quick note, I still pay attention to the local new media as I they tend not to sensationalize what they are reporting. I found on early on that the media I was consuming was leading to an increase in anxiety. My therapist and I discussed that maybe I should turn off the news and focus my energies elsewhere.
What I found was my general anxiety started to decrease. Remember mindset and perception are key when dealing with your emotional states. The key to understanding your emotional states is mindfulness. And your environment can be a direct impact on do how these states manifest. In the last chapter we discussed making decisions for the better. We all should take a holistic view of our entire environment: friends, workspace, physical location, and relationships.
Live baby live
Now that the day is over
I gotta new sensation
In perfect moments
Well so impossible to refuse
~Michael Hutchence / Andrew Farriss
So join me in turning off the news and grab that new sensation. Surround yourself with positive people and good thoughts. Remember what I said in my story, optimism will carry you further than pessimism. By transforming you environment in a more positive one, it will breed more positive intentions. Out of these positive intentions will grow a positive mind.
Are you starting to feel it yet?
Yes I know it’s pretty tough right now to get out the house with the whole pandemic going on. However there are still ways we can have fun while being safe. Have a one person dance party in your kitchen, or better yet dance under the stars in your backyard or driveway. Don’t limit your ability to have fun to only the things you used to do. Think outside the box, innovate and come up of your own design. Engage in your creative side it’ll help ease the anxiety with staying at home. The reason that this works is you are solving your own “problem.” Personally I think most of the issues that surround anxiety deal with our inability to solve problems.
Across the nation
Around the world
Everybody have fun tonight
A celebration so spread the word
~Jack Hues / Nick Feldman / Peter F. Wolf
So let loose and allow yourself to feel good. Feel the music and allow the groove to move into your soul. You have to allow yourself to have good days and great moments. Remember positivity is infectious, once its in you it’s there for a while.
You need to surround yourself with the right people. That. was something that was a tough lesson for me. I though I had the right people in my circle, but they were never there for me. So I cut that dead weight. I fixed that issue with getting back in touch with the right people. I know I can count on them for help whenever I need it. As they say cream does rise to the top and turds sink. That last part may not be apart of the idiom, but I say it is and it’s true.
Ah we can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind
Cause your friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance
Well they’re are no friends of mine
~ Ivan Doroschuk
Why aren’t you dancing yet? Get out of your seat and get to movin’. We need to balance our bad days with good days. So jump start those good days with a safe dance party. This entire chapter is intended to get you movin’ to beat of your own drum and not someone else’s drum. Embrace the journey, the good and the bad.
Just let the music move you.
Remember we got to keep moving forward in order to grow. Yes I know Devo’s hit Whip It is kind of an odd inclusion in this chapter from a contextual/lyrical perspective, but this song makes you move and groove. Mental health is a marathon not a sprint. You need to keep moving forward and keep making strides in your own journey. Mindfulness is key in to unlocking your full potential. Since the beginning of the year that was 2020 I’ve taken a hard look at what’s important to me and that is feeling good.
Go forward
Move ahead
Try to detect it
It’s not too late
To whip it
Whip it good
~Gerald Casale / Mark Mothersbaugh
As I’ve stated previously I don’t watch the news very often, and to be fair I really don’t watch much television these days. I always have music on that gets me moving. I’ve been working on building myself and environment that encourages a positive mindset. This environment helps me both space out the time between my down periods as well as shortens them as well. Remember positivity is infectious and it will create more positivity in others. When this phenomenon happens, your positivity will increase and will last longer.
Good, you are starting to get the groove.
If this last song doesn’t get you moving I don’t know what will. In addition to the the good vibrations to pull you into that positive mindset, a little self love never hurt anyone. Take it for what you want, I’ll leave it at that. Love yourself and who you are. Also love others and show them compassion. Be spontaneous with your partner. Love is a two way street and communication is key to a trusting relationship. I’m not the swami when it comes to relationships as my last one was a dumpster fire, but that’s a story for another day.
So just let it whip. If you have that special someone, grab them and get them on the dance floor and have some god damn fun for fucks sake. Life is too short to always be down in the dumps.
I don’t care if you have rhythm or not move them hips. The rhythm will find you.
I want to touch on an idea that I brought up in the last chapter and that is what actually is happiness. What are we really chasing? Why do we have to chase something that should be so intrinsic?
I believe this chase was born out of a materialistic society with deep root in perfection. You need to have that brand new car, that house with the white picket fence, 2 kids, a dog, and your grass needs to be green. Also you need that corner office job and toil away from 9-5 being a “yes man/woman.” Look I get it, I’ve been pulled down into that rabbit hole and fallen victim to society’s preconceived norms.
The first song that I’ve included on this chapter is Shinedown’s special. It’s a very pragmatic look into the idea that we are all waiting on our time to shine in the spotlight. Attention attention, it’s not going to happen. Sorry to break to you, but you have to make it happen. Certain things in life just don’t happen out of the blue, you have to make them happen. On the flip side of that coin we all struggle and at our core we are all the same. You can have the life you want, but it’s going to take some effort.
I’m not trying to discourage you from having dreams. Hell having dreams keeps me driven on moving forward and constantly evolving who Tony is and what he wants. What my goal here right now is to help encourage you to break free from that three ring circus we are being told to strive towards.
Prior to 2020, I was stuck in a cubical answering phone calls for a major financial institution. This was a dead end career. I had tried eight times over a span of 2 years to get promoted to a non-phone job, only to be told no. I had the perfect resumé, perfect experience, plenty of references, multiple special projects, and a mentor within those departments. Towards the end of my time at this employer the stress that was being brought on by this job was starting to get me. I was vomiting between 2-3 times per day and I was starting to loose some serious weight. It was during this time my depression was at its maximum point. I had been calling out of work, because I had trouble at times leaving my apartment. It was around September of 2019 where one of my managers approached me to discuss short term disability leave. Luckily my employer had a really good short term leave benefit. I agreed with her and spoke with my therapist on the necessary paperwork.
One of my ongoing topics in therapy was I was constantly unsatisfied with my current career path. It was around October 2019 that I seriously started to ponder about leaving this employer and seeking some type of self employment. This stemmed mainly from a mental and physical health needs. My stress levels at this time were starting to have serious physical health impacts which would make my Cystic Fibrosis even worse. I had been talking with a friend about where I wanted to go with my life and he had expressed similar concerns. Towards the middle of February 2020 he approached with a job opportunity with a shop he was opening to sell hot sauce.
I made it though times so dark I thought I’d never see light again
And then when the clouds parted I knew I’d see the sun shining in
~Timothy Armstrong / Kevin C Bivona / Aimee E Allen, “Leap of Faith” Fight the Good Fight
It was at this time that I decided I needed to take that Leap of Faith. I know this is easier said than done, but that goes for most of life’s tough decisions. I am a very risk adverse person. To calm some of my anxiety during making this decision I put together a few simple business plans. Ultimately I went with the option that had the lowest initial costs, and could provide me with the quickest income. Unbeknownst to me a serious global pandemic was about to roll through. Now when I was making my exit plan I went over what I needed to secure and how to make this transition easy. Luckily I was able to qualify for a special application for health insurance, and I had some funds saved that made it finically easy in the first few months.
Now global pandemic is now upon us. I will say that any of the business that I was considering would have all be effected by the pandemic and some more than others. Even more so with having Cystic Fibrosis I have to be even more careful in contracting this virus (already have had it once, let’s hope not again) as it has the capability to amplify already tough medical problems. This pandemic has taught me to be even more flexible and to constantly evolve. The hot sauce job was a blessing in disguise. You may be saying to yourself I was given this job. But in reality this all stemmed from a discussion where I put myself out there and someone else needed help with a project they were undertaking. Making contacts and friends will pay off. This is how you get things done. Most of the clients that I have from my personal business come from friends, friends of family member, or people who I’ve known for years.
My last job was literally killing me. It killed my creativity. I was a cog in the wheel of the corporate machine. But I needed to have this job because it’s what society requires. Yes I took a huge cut in pay initially, but over time I will get back to where as was, just going to take a little work. This job that I had because I was chasing what society determined what happiness was, was actually making me miserable. How can you be happy if you are miserable?
To me chasing happiness is like stepping in dog shit. Everything is going all according to plan, until the moment that it doesn’t. At that very moment you unfortunately step in a mess left by another person. Now you are walking funny because you don’t to leave a track heading back you home/apartment. You have to now clean your shoes and make a passive aggressive Facebook post about how people don’t pick up after themselves. On top of it all you are now in a foul mood. I know this analogy is on the crude side, but I really feel that chasing this social construct of happiness will lead you on a journey where you’ll be constantly stepping in shit.
Do you ever get lost, deep in your thoughts, tripping when you think about the cost of seeing this through
When you tie your stomach into knots that you don’t know how to undo
~ George Watsky, “Talking to Myself ” X Infinity
I know making the decision to change course in the middle of everything going on is not an easy decision to make. But here is the thing, in order to grow we must be constantly evolving or else we will only know pain. There are ways to make this decision easier. The easiest item to do first is create a plan. Focus primarily on the big ticket items: housing, food, transportation, insurance, and what you want. The small stuff will fall into place. I want to caution on one item real quick. Don’t over think it.
When you can mitigate as much risk, the decision making process will become easier. However on the flip side, sometimes it’s best to jump right in. Remember what Master Yoda said “Do or do not, there is no try.” You need to buy into your plan for it to succeed. Another point that can be made from what Mike Ehrmantraut told Walter White in season 3 of Breaking Bad, “No more half measures.” When you are wanting to make a positive change in your life you have to put all of your being in to this path. You will get back what you put in tenfold. While the return may not be in the form of materialistic, you will reap the benefits for your mental health.
I have wasted my life, and it’s a decision I have vowed not to do again. I wasted my time at my time at my previous employer. I constantly lied to myself saying it’ll all be okay if I got this promotion, this project, etc… I wasted who Tony was the entirety of 2019, but now when I look at its more like 2019 was a metamorphosis for whom I’d become. I’m back in the driver’s seat with the pedal to the metal moving forward. Our time is precious and we should be spending it how we see fit.
I have faced it, a life wasted.
I’m never going back again.
I escaped it, a life wasted.
I’m never going back again.
Having tasted, a life wasted.
I’m never going back again.
~ Eddie Vedder / Stone Gossard – “Life Wasted” Pearl Jam
You are never too old to make a change for the positive. Don’t chase happiness, chase balance or chase personal growth. When you switch your focus from happiness to another meaningful goal, a by product of your new found journey will be true happiness or a facsimile of it.. For me, my change in path resulted in comfort knowing that for once I was doing what I wanted. The same is true for my ex-wife. She has changed her focus and is seeing tremendous rewards in personal growth.
Why is happiness something that we need to even chase at this point. Shouldn’t this already be ingrained into our subconscious as a basic human need? To me at least the basic human need of happiness was stripped and replaced with a societal construct of happiness based on the material. Yes I know I have fallen for this and I still and bound to this norm, but I recognized it within myself. I am working on reverting back to my basic needs but as with anything it takes a bit of work. One movie I highly recommend everyone watch is Fight Club. Its core message is still relevant in today’s society. Pretty much it boils down to is “the things you own eventually start owning you.” As I’ve continually stated, material items shouldn’t be our primary focus. Our primary focus should be on the self, what you want of you, what you want to do, and how you care for yourself. When these needs are placed at the forefront, you will unlock what happiness should be.
Have you heard of paralysis by analysis? I alluded to this concept earlier in this chapter. Over thinking your plan of action will lead to no action at all. What is happening here is that you are consuming all of your energies and your mental state prohibits any kind of beneficial activity. Yes, it is a good idea to be mentally prepared to make a major life change, but it comes a time where you make that step. There will always be hurdles in life, some that you can reduce and others that can’t be modified. Don’t sweat the stuff that is out of your control. No matter what you do or try, that unmovable object will not budge. Risk is something that we have to be okay with dealing with. It’s about mitigating risk not removing it entirely.
Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind
Withering my intuition leaving opportunities behind
-Maynard James Keenan,“Lateralus” Lateralus
Lateralus seeks to help you reject thinking thinking linearly and embrace thinking laterally. Thinking linearly is personified as following status quo and not stepping out or embracing the natural chaos of life. You gotta go with the flow at times. If you don’t the waves will pass you by and you’ll miss out on their opportunities. One of my favorite quotes of all time is by Wayne Gretzky “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” By thinking yourself into paralysis you are missing out on life. Embrace a little chaos in your life. Live out side your comfort zone for a little while. These simple actions will help you grow as a person and you will learn new things about who you really are deep down inside.
I want to continue on road I revisited last chapter, dealing with my daemons. Last chapter once again brought me back face to face with the pain of depression. But once again I made it through to the other side. For me at least depression isn’t just something that is one and done, I live with it. For lack of a better terms, I’ve become friends with my dark days.
Besides surrounding myself with the right people, music has been one of the most powerful outlets to help me deal with my depression.
Over the last 3 years I’ve been learning how to live with my depression and how to mentally guide myself through its waves. My last wave was pretty pretty intense. Instead of bottling everything up and pushing through it, I allowed it to walk next to me. I reached out to friends, I put on music, and let it all flow through me. Yes it was painful, yes it was dark, but I made it through it. For the first time in years I cried. I let it all out, fully embraced what had been starting to build up. Still working on that smile, but I embraced the pain.
This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality / Embrace this moment, remember We are Eternal, all this pain is an illusion.
-Maynard James Keenan, Parabola
TOOL’s Parabol and Parabola seeks to understand our experience as a living breathing human. Maynard creates a narrative where all of our experiences build in to wisdom and pain is temporary. Our souls are eternal though our actions and our impact on others. When I set out writing my story, my goal was to craft my legacy to be remembered. Yes we are all mortal, but we have the capability to be eternal. Embrace life, live through the shit, and grow with it. I will say I didn’t really start listening to TOOL heavily until a few years ago.
At the end of the day, it’s ok to be one with the darkness inside of you. When you face your daemons, you will better appreciate the fights you’ve put up. Every time I embrace a depressive episode, the stronger I get on the other side. Fight like you life depends on, because sometime it just may depend on it. I grew up on grunge music and it has always been my go to when I need an emotional release. Alice in Chains’ unplugged set on MTV is arguably one of the best live performances aired on that channel. Down in a Hole, at its core is about the loss of self identity, depression, and self hatred. Jerry Cantrell wrote a fair bit of Alice in Chains lyrics and the themes are issues that he himself faced.
When you are down in that hole, appreciate the moment and allow your emotions to envelop you. For me at least during these times, I put on music that I can easily relate with lyrically. Yes it usually depressive themes, but it allows me to easier navigate this wave of depression. During my last episode I must have played Joyner Lucas’ I’m Sorry numerous times. The better I engage with my emotional state, the “quicker” I can move through it.
One issue we face in today’s society is the prevalence of the perfect life, happiness, and materialism. For one what does it really mean to be “happy?” Does it mean always having a smile on your face? Like seriously what is happiness, in the social construct? Chasing happiness will likely put us in situations that actually push it away from us rather than get us closer to this proverbial social construct. Let’s swap happiness with inner peace. When you seek inner peace you are balancing the scales of life, as it should be (hehehehe Thanos was right). Light with darkness, good with the bad; a balanced life.
Okay, I have to let myself feel this before I can go any further.
– Corey Taylor on The Devil In I, via Kerrang!
Even though I’m a connoisseur of pretty much every music genre (minus country), metal has always been my number one. Slipknot has been my favorite band for the last ten plus years. During the darkest times I’ve faced, Slipknot’s music helped me through these emotions. Corey Taylor, Slipknot’s lead vocalist, has always been hypercritical of society’s handling, or lack there of, mental health awareness. The Devil In I, seeks to helps to tell the story of the depression living within us. The Devil in this sense the depression that you and I both face day in and day out.
Yes my daemons live inside me, and I’m okay with that. They don’t control me, but I acknowledge their existence. Embracing your full self will help guide you to a more balanced life. When balance is brought to your life you will find that inner peace within you. My scales are getting closer to equilibrium, but I still have a little work to do on myself. I’ve been there before, so I know I can find it again.
Let the practice of mindfulness guide to a place of balance so that you can live with your emotional states. The final song that I wanted to include in this chapter is Alice in Chains’ Nutshell. In a nutshell (see what I did there lol) this perfectly surmises my battles with depression. When Layne Staley wrote this song, he wrote about his own struggles with depression and addiction. Alice in Chains’ unplugged set on MTV would be the last time Layne would appear on stage as he would lose his fight with addiction shortly there after.
Luckily for me I never really have had to fight addictions. Yes I’ve had my run-ins with alcohol and shopping addictions, but these grew out of endorphin needs. I haven’t taken an oath of sobriety, but what I have taken is an oath to be more mindful of my actions. I still like to buy myself something, if the payoff is something constructive. I don’t drink due to medication that I’m currently on for my Cystic Fibrosis.
At the end of the day, we are sum of all of our parts. Learn to live with your dark days and good days. There will always be bumps in the road, but that is the journey we call life. The more mindful you become, the closer you come to unlocking self-awareness. This is the path you must follow if you want peace within your soul.
Musing 