Futurespective

Finding Satori (悟り)

Posted on by fearnothing321

I said finding Satori, not Dori. I know where Dori is at the moment. She is too busy learning to speak whale and riding the currents to Sydney. I just need to keep working towards understanding why I do the things that I do and the nature of my consciousness.

Just keep meditating. Just keep meditating. Just keep meditating. Just keep meditating.

I want to bring you into the mind of a “high functioning (what does that even mean?)” autistic (neurodivergent) individual. Now autism is a spectrum disorder so there is a wide variety of “symptoms” and characteristics, but these are mine. I have a constant internal monologue going on inside my head coming up with every single question and every single potential answer while simultaneously having a thought pattern about every single point of my body language. So yeah when I look tired, it’s because I’ve mentally exhausted myself from tying “hold it all in.” When I indulge in my hyper fixations suddenly the voices quiet down, but a different more calming voice will suddenly emerge.

I like to think that my hyper fixations constitute the majority of my base nature. I also feel that my base characteristics have always been born from a sense of creativity. Growing up, and still to this day, I’ve had a fascination with building Lego and tinkering with whatever projects I could get my hands on. During high school I took likely one of my favorite classes, auto mechanics. I had aspirations of becoming a mechanic/engineer on a race car team as I was most like myself during these class periods. Now due to external “pressures” of continuing my seemingly easy success in academia, I felt that I needed to follow a career path more so “valued” by society. Once again I wouldn’t change a step that I’ve made in my journey this far as it has led me to this exact point in time. In some ways I believe that some of the “suffering” I’ve endured has ultimately led me to a place in which I have started to understand the nature of my being.

Lately when Mary Jane visits on the weekends and non-work nights our conversations switched from the esoteric to more passion focused. During these conversations my inner monologue voices quiet down only to be replaced by a different voice. This voice has more focus on the here and now. This was the voice that told me about my upcoming renaissance (I swear I’m not schizophrenic, I just like to talk to myself). I know that you maybe saying to yourself “dooood it’s the THC dumping that serotonin and dopamine into your brain.” Well I’d agree, but I also experience this same phenomenon when I’ve got a camera in my hands, or when I’m building a Lego set, or when I am tinkering on a remote controlled car kit, or during a yoga class stone cold ass sober.

As I reflect over these past handful of years, I get closer to understanding bite sizes pieces of me. When I first start out writing, originally I intended on this being more so an outlet to express my inner self. The more and more that I wrote, my simple project evolved into something more meaningful. What was once a simple idea for a blog has since morphed into a love letter to my past, present, and future and a hopeful means at making the world a better place one person at a time.

When I look back at my struggles with depression and anxiety, one of the biggest contributing factors was trying to fit in the mold that society laid out for me. And this is true for many people who come to have similar discussions with on their own struggles with mental health. The marriage I had, only lasted as long as it did because both my ex-wife/partner felt that “we needed to be in this relationship.” We as individuals become so consumed with our outward appearance to those who we don’t even know or have no business in judging others. Why must we jam ourselves into a mold to be like an everyone else?

And one other observation I’m become more aware of over these past few months, is time itself. Time is the one resource that we can never have enough of and it always seems to be running out. When I received my diagnosis of Cystic Fibrosis, I thought at that point in time I only had a few more years to live. Add this on to the fact that my bone condition can become cancerous (I’ve already have the tumors, but currently they are benign), I truly felt my time was running out. Luckily I now know that the Cystic Fibrosis will not lead me to an early demise, but it has taught me a valuable lesson on the importance of time. I know most of my personal frustrations are due to my own “anxiety” of the feeling that time is slipping through my fingers. This I believe to be the source of my renewed passions. The reason why I’ve come to this conclusion is that I’m tired of wasting time doing things that I don’t want to be doing. Now I still have a lot to figure out how to balance my scales to ensure that I can create the path ahead of me while balancing my current life situations (9-5 job).

I feel like I have finally experienced the death of my ego (at least temporarily). My biggest personal project thus far was trying to remove me from my comfort zone when it comes to social situations. I wanted to do this as a means of recapturing some level of my self-confidence. This personal project also had some other unexpected results. Over the summer of 2024 I’ve been having the same epiphany/aha (kenshō) moment in regard to reigniting the passion within my life. As we’ve discussed in other chapters the idea of accepting the imperfect as perfect has been my main focus for the summer of 2024. Unbeknownst to me this “project” was an exercise in living within the moment and listening to the universe around me. This singular journey was spurred on by me trying to remove my ‘tism mask and show the world whom I truly am.

When I look back over the years I see where I’ve come and I see where I’m going. These are the chapters of my life and it all started out with the idea that I needed to learn to learn to love myself.

With every fiber of my being I believe that my routine meditation practice has helped me in my quest to understand the nature of my being. Yes most of my meditation practice consists of my weekly yoga classes, but lately Mary Jane has been encouraging me to meditate while amongst the clouds.

One night while I was blasting off to the moon, I decided to do some thinking in my favorite place, the shower. As soon as I cleared my mental space, the puzzle pieces slowly started to come together one by one. I used to think the end goal was to live “passively” and to not try to force anything to happen as the universe will provide. Along side being passive in life, that at the end of the day things will be what they will be. That night while in my rocket ship I realized that I had been more active in making my life choices, whether that was asking a cute girl out to dinner, making the change to bring my passions back, or trying to crave out a more creative life for myself. I had realized that I had been disciplining my desires to value my time and disregarded any societal expectations of myself.

Shortly after I had reached my cruising altitude, I started to think about the shadow that I see in the mirror. Currently I work for your typical corporate bank, working at a desk with an emphasis on making sales. However this is not the image I see in my mind’s eye when I look in the mirror. I see a more creative future, one in which I indulge in my passions and show the world whom I truly am. Feeling the grains of time slip through my fingers has awoken with in me a sense of determination. I’ve had this shadow following me for years ever since I covered my first major photo event.

Desires are a funny thing when we think about it. It wasn’t until recently that I’ve felt this at ease with how I would characterize my desires. I am not without desires but I feel that I have reached a point where when I desire something it comes a more rooted sense of emotion. I still have a desire for a relationship, but this desire is born from a place craving compassion. I want to share my life with another. I want someone to look into my eyes and see a version of themselves as I would see a version of myself in their eyes. I desire a life in which I can share my story with others and hope that it can help them in a time of need. I desire to one day to share my art with the world and to leave behind a legacy. I desire to have at least one impact on one person and to inspire them to have at least one impact on another. I desire a world in which we build each other up and set aside our differences. At the end of it I’ve been working on desiring things that bring along the idea and the sense of fulfillment rather than “simple pleasures.” The idea that my life will bring fulfillment is an emotion that will start up to the test of time. When we chase “simple pleasures” we are always chasing the next “big high” or rush of getting whatever we had wanted during that time.

So what is the overarching lesson here? It’s all about retrospection, perception, and acceptance. Every step in my life has brought me to this point. Whether these were positive steps or negative steps they still add up to my journey and the building blocks of my life.

I want you to take a moment to reflect on your journey. Think back to what influences your emotional states of being and what is the driving forces in these changes. Are you doing things because thats what you believe you should be doing or are you doing them because it brings joy and fulfillment to your life?

Personally I feel as if we need to remove the words happy and happiness from our vocabularies and replace them with more representative words. Instead of striving for whatever happiness is, we should be striving for states of being such as gratitude, fulfillment, and satisfaction. These three states of being are more inlined to actually provide you with what you are likely thinking what it means to be happy.

I for one believe that in order to fully appreciate the human experience we must endure both pain and suffering. To me these emotional states can be very sobering and can help really make you appreciate the small moments in life. A life without ever experiencing suffering or pain, is sterile and sometimes we need to get down in the mud to see life from another perspective. In my case a lot of my “pain and suffering” (I want to explain why I’m putting this in quotations. We all face different trials and tribulations. Some of these are much more intense than others, but once again our shared pain can form tight bonds via empathy and compassion.) can be attributed to me disregarding the signs life was trying to show me to move on or to let go of whatever was happening. But I have learned from this pain and I’ve come to appreciate my suffering. We are only human and we need to continually remind ourselves of this limitation. We are not robots, nor are we perfect. We mustn’t place ourselves on pedestal or place others on pedestals. When we create these false expectations of others we place our own ideals on to another. When create these expectations on others we are committing them to always having to perform at or above some preconceived level. Instead I want share how I carry my own expectations of myself, just to do my best every day. My best is always going to be different every day, but that is okay.

So what have I learn from looking back at these last ten plus years?

It’s time to get back to basics.

The most relaxing times for me have always when I’ve been outdoors and enjoying the beauty that Mother Earth provides us everyday. Our world is dying all around us, and yet there seems to be no effort to save it any time soon. You know that idiom, stop and smell the roses? Well, we need to being doing more of that before they are all gone. We need to appreciate the world around us and soak in the beauty that is in nature. Global climate change is a very real situation that is leading to the death of our home. Just like me and my depression, we’ve been ignoring to obvious red flags for too long. We need to better learn to recognize and understand red flags before its too late. Being able to slow down and breathe in the calming air that nature brings along will bring you back into the moment.

Over these past few years I had unknowingly been returning to the basics. In the springtime of 2021, I treated myself to a new 1/8th scale nitro R/C racing buggy. I got the chassis, engine, and radio set up that I had always dreamt about one day building and then racing. This was my high school auto shop moment coming rushing back. Tie this in with model building and painting, I realized I am myself most when doing these activities. Also the best connections that I have made have been with those that share a common interest.

That is it. The basics tie everything together and sometimes we just need to be reminded that is all we really need in life.

You may be saying to yourself “well duh dude” but sometimes the most basic ideas flee our minds because we are so caught up in thinking about anything and everything else. I got back into being who Tony is and will be. I am no longer tied to the normal constructs that define conventional thought but rather focusing on my individuality. Much like a hamburger it doesn’t get much better than the basics. The classic combo: meat, cheese, and a bun.

I do recognize that for some it will be easier to get back to basics. I for one do not have kids nor am I in a committed relationship at the time of writing this chapter, so in some ways it is “easier” for me to make major changes in my life/lifestyle. But on the flip side most of my changes revolve around removing distractions from in front of me, such as turning off the TV and listening to music instead, or indulging in a hobby or an outdoor activity during that time as well. Where there is a will there will always be a way to make something work. You just have to come up with the solution yourself as no one will have the complete answer for you.

Listen to the waves they will tell you everything you need to hear. Listen to how they change in frequency. Some are gentle and some are more powerful than others. Life is a series of waves constantly coming your way. But sometimes those waves can be hiding a deadly rip current that can instantly pull you under if you over react.

So what does this all mean? It means live proud and live loud. Fuck the white noise. Time is the single most valuable possession that you have… Listen to that sound within your soul. It all finally has all fallen into back into place and now I clearly see the path laid out for me. Is this how I got my confidence back, by being my genuine self? We are not our trauma, whether it was self inflicted or inflicted upon you.

Now it’s your turn.

From Dead End Roads to Kenshō (見性)

Posted on by fearnothing321

“If you feel it, chase it” – Kate (Twisters, 2024)

I’m not getting any younger and I realized that I haven’t been living for quite some time. It’s time to seriously put an effort into changing this recent discovery. I have been “aware” of this idea for quite some time, but I kept looking down instead of looking forward.

You would think with me nearly being struck by lightning at least 5 different times, I would be more gung-ho on getting out and living it up, but that hasn’t been the case. If I was a cat, I’d only have 2 of my 9 lives left. I’ve had 2 run-ins with attempts at suicide, and the 5 run-ins with lightning (not counting the numerous near crashes mountains biking). Oh and I just remembered that I’ve nearly been hit by a semi truck back in college when I was on a training ride for the cycling team. So with a quick recount that’s 8 of my 9 lives tallied. So yea let’s make some changes, because at the end of the road we don’t make it out alive and I want to make the most out of the time that I still have remaining.

Recently I’ve made some personal headway on thinking less and doing more. I’ve accepted the idea that the perfectly imperfect moment is actually the perfect moment I’ve been waiting for to happen. Life should never be sterile and it’s time to put what I’ve been learning into practice.

I’m not living on dead end roads no more, instead I’m going to chase the wind and keep it on my back. This maybe a little morbid, but at the end of the day I’ve got 2 degenerative diseases, one of which has started to really started to rear its ugly head and the other is a constant reminder of my limitations. I know I have a ticking clock following every step I take. Here is the kicker I’ve made multiple leaps of faith over the past 4 years which show that I know how to live, but I had lost sight of the bigger picture.

I know that one of the goals of Zen Buddhism is to be without desire, but I’ve trained mine to seek out experiences and compassion with others. Growing up my dad would always put in extra effort when wrapping presents as he would always say “it’s about the experience.” And this will always ring true to me. This simple quote drives my quest to share in experiences with others. I wholeheartedly believe that the true origin of action is compassion.

Buddhism is wholly concerned with removing suffering from the individual. Some say we suffer because we desire, others say we suffer because we fight the variability of life, and most will say that we live in a society that turns humans into gears to fit within the machine. I believe all these ideas are correct in one form or another as I’ve experienced some form of “suffering” in all of these examples. But here is the thing, I believe that we must suffer in order us to truly appreciate the work that goes into taming our tornadoes (yeah that was a deliberate pun). Let’s look at the idea of suffering caused by unchecked desires.

I know that I have let my desires run rampant in the past, and even though correlation does not mean causation, there can be some connection. In the past my desires were corrupted by the world around me. I desired promotions at previous jobs as a means to justify the mental suffering I was dealing with instead of trying better my situation. I’ve desired relationships as a means to rid myself of feeling alone, only to suffer the loss of my confidence and love for myself. These are just a couple of examples that I can quickly recall when I let my desires get the better of me. I can’t fault myself for letting that happen, as I am human.

Day in and day out we are pelted by 24 hour news networks that like to prey on insecurities and create a virtual “boogeyman” that we must fear. On top of all this we have the mistake of all mistakes: social media and the damage that it has caused throughout the years. And we can’t forget “reality tv” role in unchecked desires. In a post COVID world the disease known as “social media influencers” has increased 10 fold with everyone trying to make the next “trendy” item. These overt distractions create within us a false sense of desire in order to sell us something we don’t need.

Now, in the present I still have desires but I have morphed them into aspirations. I aspire to share my art with the world, I aspire one day to experience the world with another, I aspire to help change the world one person at a time, and I aspire to continue to be true to myself. These newfound desires all stem from compassion and empathy that I feel is lacking in today’s world. There is tremendous amounts of suffering around the world, and compassion and empathy will slowly help wear it away.

When it comes to my own mental health, I’ve come to realize that it’s really a self-reflective process. Back in 2020 I saw the beginnings of what changes that I needed to make (and to my credit I did make some changes) to ensure that I was living a fulfilling life. Now due to my then undiagnosed autism, change was something that was always tough for me to digest. I constantly marry myself to my jobs even though the writing is on the fall that I need to make changes. Take my current job for example, I keep telling myself that I only have this job for the medical benefits and to “just deal” with the stress. But to be honest, I’m just tired at this point. It has become abundantly clear to me that I must put my own mental health and physical wellbeing because at the end of the day I’m the only person responsible for these necessities.

However I’m not 100% sure if I’m able to make the changes that I need to make at this time, but I’m going to give it hell. My renaissance has brought back my focus. While my 9-5 job is wearing me down, every time I write or pick up my camera my qi (気) is suddenly refilled and my worries temporarily leave until the next 9-5 day. Come hell or high water I will see this path til the end. This may cause me to burn out a little more frequently, but I doing this for me and me alone. There is another reason for this drive. Both my friends and I noticed that I will unmask around others and I appear to be a different person when I have a camera in my hands. I know this is because photography has always been one of my hyper focuses (Star Wars, mountain biking, and music being the others).

What I’m calling my renaissance period feels completely different from when I was first planning on a freelance photography career. This reawakening feels much more lighter. I’ve mentioned this concept in previous chapters but I haven’t really expanded up this bit of philosophy. Kenshō (見性) is the instantaneous awakening (think of like an “aha” moment) and whereas Satori (悟り) is more so the understanding of this “aha” moment and the ability to continuously express this level of comprehension on a daily basis. Lately I’ve been having more of these “aha” moments but they come with space between them. And for full transparency I’ve been having the same “aha” moment for the past few months. But this time around this moment has dug its roots deeper. Whenever I have this “aha” moment a wave of calming energy flows over me and truly brings life into focus. I feel that I have been learning to listen to the melody that has been playing inside me all this time. I don’t possess all the keys at this point in time but that is ok, life is a learning process.

I’m just tired of driving down dead end roads only to disappoint myself when I know that I must follow the path less traveled. Moving forward I will chance the winds of change.

My Story Vol. 2: Chapter 3 Fireflies

Posted on by fearnothing321

One night when I was driving home from work and a wave of nostalgia hit me like a tsunami. In that singular moment I travelled back in time and unlocked a core memory.

Now where I used to live in Floriduh was your typical concrete jungle where every square inch of land was developed or being earmarked to be flattened and paved over. I’ve always been someone who has been drawn to nature and being a good steward of our home.

On that fateful night, I saw something that I hadn’t seen in years (or at least from what I can recall) and it brought a comforting quietness to my mind. What I saw were fireflies dancing from the tall grasses at the entrance to my old apartment. When I was younger my mother and I would drive from Floriduh up to Maine to visit family. On the way back from Maine we would always stop in Pittsburgh to visit my great grandpap to spend a little time with my extended family. Now his house was on the on outside of town away from the light and noise pollution. I remember when we would visit during the summer we would always catch fireflies in his backyard and put them in mason jars to see the light up (don’t worry we would always let them go). This time however I didn’t want to rush out and catch them, but I felt the need to just sit and watch them dance through the night.

Nostalgia can easily be a gateway drug to living in the past, while forgetting about the present and future. In addition to living in the past, it can also make you chase a that high that never lasts that long. I think most of yearning for nostalgia is due to its perceived simplicity. The classic thought of “simpler times” or “lost youth” at the core of what nostalgia can stir within our emotional centers. Now I personally believe that there can be a trap in chasing nostalgia for that dopamine/serotonin rush that usually follows when these memories come flooding in.

Now I want to propose these questions. Is childlike wonderment actually enlightenment? Are we born enlightened only to fall victim to society’s pressures to have us fall in line to feed the machine? Is understanding nostalgia the key to recapturing this state of being and consciousness? Or more simply, is the understanding of nostalgia a gateway towards enlightenment (from a Zen Buddhist perspective, the instantaneous awakening)?

Let’s rewind back to my memory of catching fireflies in my great grandpap’s backyard. Yes life was simpler for me back then, I didn’t have to worry about paying my bills, making sure my laundry was done, that the house was cleaned, and the dishes were done. All I was worried about was enjoying the moment and catching these little bugs that glowed with a bright chartreuse green color. There was not a single thing that I was more concerned with other than this bug that magically lights up. And when I saw this magical green light again over twenty-five years later, I instantly forgot about the world around me and I began to smile. What started to well up inside me was a fondness for where I’ve been in life and where I’m going. If 10 year old Tony knew the Tony of today he would appreciate the work that I’ve been doing to recapture the magic from these memories.

I do want to make one caveat, I recognize that there are some life experiences may influence one’s fondness for their childhood. I know not everyone is fortunate enough to have a good upbringing and I was (and I hate to use this word) blessed with good parents who took great care of me. To some degree we all have some level of a burden that we carry due to trauma that may stain our childhood. Over time we can learn to shed this burden with acceptance and understanding that we are not defined by this trauma. Acceptance doesn’t happen overnight and it damn well shouldn’t be something that is taken lightly. But the key is going easy on yourself and not placing the blame on yourself for whatever trauma you face in life.

Now when I talk about enlightenment I’m mainly focusing on the general idea of awakening. However, I do personally feel that the idea that the relationship between nostalgia and enlightenment falls more into the Zen Buddhism ideas of kenshō (見性) and satori (悟り). I have also previously likened enlightenment to the ability to see your past, present, and future at the same moment in time. And here is where nostalgia plays a vital role in my personal philosophies.

Let’s circle back to the night that I had re-encountered the dancing fireflies. During this time my “dream job” had started to unravel in a manner I partially expected. I had been down in the dumps because what was once a “safe space” was morphing into one that was overly toxic and built on a foundation of false hopes. The instant I saw that memorable chartreuse green glow I was reminded of who I am and who I will always be. This instantaneous awakening (kenshō 見性) made me remember what is and what will always be important, being my true self and having fun.

What I was reminded of was to not take the world seriously. By that I mean enjoying my time by doing things that I love and being true to myself. Life has a beginning point and an end point, however we never know when we may cross that end point. I have seriously on more than one occasion flirted with my end point only to be pulled back into the realm of the living. On that fateful night the fireflies gave me a vision that shattered my reality and was replaced it with one that represents the true meaning of life: the enjoyment of the world around you.

Now I know one of the counterpoints will be that when we are younger we are ignorant to the world and struggles around us. And I do believe that yes, ignorance can be bliss; but what I am trying to get at is your overall awareness of what you are learning in this moment.

However the idea that I want to explore is the phenomenon that we call “nostalgia” and the emotions that it stirs. More recently in life I have been reinvigorated to recapture something I once saw about my self. I have been going over my notes and previously writings to work towards finishing this book. I will say that over the past year or so I have been working unconsciously to regain my spark. I feel as if someone had one open Plains Mana and one open Swamp Mana and countered me with Despark. My Plansewalker was suddenly board-wiped (DAMN YOU Orzhov Syndicate and your greedy want of power and control). Between 2022 and now the middle of 2024 I have been slowly breaking the shell that had built up.

What if I’m a lobster person because I’m from Maine? Was this a serious thought that came from my actual brain? Damn these gummies been hittin’. But oddly enough I think I’m on to something. Just like Leto II of House Atreides whom donned an armor of sand trout only to have his beef swelling spur on the reawakening of his humanity. I had previously been holding onto an idea that forced me into a mold. But now I see the the golden path forward. Bless the maker and his water….LISAN-AL-GIAB…. wait my eyes aren’t blue, just bloodshot.

During 2020 I had started on working on a life built around the idea of living without premonition. Some may call this prescience, some may call this a major diet of spice melange (or jazz cabbage), but my eyes are once again open. Now I did fall off this horse and fell right back into the trap of being consumed with my job. The more that I grasped for control the more my anxiety crept into play. Life was trying to tell me something but I didn’t want to listen, that was until I was reminded of what is important. These waves of nostalgia reminded me of where I’ve been and the joys that I’ve felt in the past. I was reminded that what is important is the moment that I’m currently experiencing.

Lately I’ve been taking my mediation practices more seriously and I recognized that during the most of 2021 I had been slowly loosing my humanity. I consumed my self with the thoughts of “I need this promotion and it’ll all be well” or “I know these promises will ring true one day” or the usual “I need xzy and it’ll all work out…” all while ignoring what life was trying to tell me. I knew that my “COVID job” was a dead end, I knew that I was being constantly lied to, I knew that I created my desires from a lack of serotonin/dopamine (of which I knew the causes were… my job). Slowly I morphed into a gear that turned in the machine that is our society. It wasn’t until I saw the fireflies that I was reminded of my humanity.

Since 2020 I have been working on one major change in my life that has been to seek a life filled with fulfillment rather than focusing on “happiness” and there has been times where I’ve lost my focus on this drive. And this hasn’t been the only time I’ve had these waves of nostalgia flow through me. During the summer of 2020, while I was amongst the clouds painting my back log of WarHammer models, this calm breeze overtook my mental space. This tremendous sense of appreciation welled up inside me from engaging in arguably my favorite hobby. This wave of nostalgia also reminded me that I need to nurture the spirit who is Tony and to never left go of what makes tick.

Recently with my current therapist, we’ve been working on ways for me to find the balance that I once had in life. With my fancy pants corporate job I had begun to loose a lot of my focus on what is important to me (honestly I think this goes for every job I’ve worked, minus the self employment I did temporarily). It was around Christmas time of 2023 when I made the conscious decision “to take the foot off the gas” at work as I had been stretching myself way to thin (as I always do in most cases). I made a holistic change in which I told myself I need to focus on my overall mental health and everything else would fall into place. For me at least exercise has been historically my primary means of taking care of both my mental health as well as my physical health. Back in my college days I used to enjoy powerlifting and cycling. And these days it’s still pretty much the same, except I’ve swapped powerlifting for power yoga. The one big conscious decision I had made in 2021 was to get back in shape and exercise more. One of the reasons why I had relocated from Tampa to Knoxville was due in large part to its mountain bike community as well as proximity to the Great Smoky Mountains. This singular conscious decision spurred on an entire swath of unconscious growth. 

A part of me is glad that this book has taken a little bit longer to complete as it’s given a lot of time to go back and re-read my work. The other night I was editing the chapter Transcend Humanity, I was suddenly walloped with what I would describe as a wave of nostalgia. When I originally wrote that chapter I discussed my takes on relationships and what changes I wanted to see in myself. Shortly after completing that chapter I took a hiatus from writing (due in large part to my job at the time… huh there is a bit of a running theme here) and began an unconscious journey of bettering myself. After I had re-read my rough draft I recognized the steps that I have made for myself. I wrote in that chapter, that before I could love another that I must first love myself. The Tony of 2021 is completely different than the Tony of 2024 as I have begun to love the person I’m becoming. I reflected for a few moments on what I had read and tears came to my eyes. These were happy tears, tears that confirmed that I had learned to let go and trust in the universe.

My relationship to the idea of nostalgia is one born from an affirmation of where I’ve been and where I’m going. This is due in large part to the work I’ve completed on bringing more acceptance into my life. However, if left unchecked chasing nostalgia can be a path towards the dark side.

The idea of nostalgia can be viewed as an attachment to the past in some lights. The key point in all of this is to not become attached to this emotion but rather develop an appreciation for the events in your life that have brought you to this point in time. Personally I’ve been working on incorporating more acceptance, compassion, and empathy in my day to day life. Acceptance of who I am and who I’m growing into, developing compassionate bonds and relationships with others, and expressing empathy where I can to help build others up in life. However much like any Jedi out there I too have flirted with the dark side on more than one occasion.

When I am emotionally vulnerable I have the ability to latch on to fleeting feelings. This is purely evident in my relationship back in 2019. I had received life changing information on top of finalizing a divorce which had put me in a very vulnerable position. I became attached to whatever outlet that provided me valuable validation and security. Now these sources were not kind to me, and if anything I was being taken advantage of due to my (now known) neurodivergence.

Since the beginning of 2024 I have been doing a lot of self retrospection, most of which has been as a result of my new therapist. At the first meeting with my new therapist I had mentioned that I had felt a little lost in life and unsure of what I saw for myself (most talking about my career) at this point in my life. I have had this long held desire to be creative in life (mainly through photography) but I’ve never really known how to achieve this dream. One of my favorite quotes from Star Wars has been one said by Qui Gon Jinn in the Phantom Menace: “Your focus determines your reality.” It wasn’t until recently that this teaching made sense to me.

For me at least when I look back at the times that I have felt nostalgic, it reinvigorates my youthful drive to indulge in activities that bring me joy. Yes as we age we grow older but who we are at our core never changes. I think the final thing that nostalgia can teach us is to always be true to who we are and if we lose sight of this path it’s still possible to get recapture that spark.

I think I understand what these waves are telling, but we will discuss that in a different chapter. The path towards enlightenment is a process that never quite ends.

Wallflower

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I’m not sure if this the ‘tism or self-confidence issue or just plain ole social anxiety, but I really hold myself back in social situations. Personally I don’t believe it’s due to a lack of self-confidence as I’m very secure in my own skin and my own identity. At work you’ll see me in hot pink dress pants or wearing my kilt as a form of self expression. I bring this up because there is this cute girl at the yoga class that I routinely go to that I’ve been talking to and getting to know better. Come to find out that we have some interests in common and the conversations come pretty naturally (at least I perceive them to be with my kinda normalish levels of stuttering). Awhile back we somehow got on the topic of woodworking and I mentioned that I normally wax my wood off to completion as I like the finish. What I meant to say is that I rub my wood down with bees wax. Wait let me try this again, I mentioned that I use wax on my projects due to the simple nature of the finish and ease of maintenance. I told her about the store I buy my supplies from hosts various classes to learn new skills and she seemed interested in the classes.

Fast forward to April of 2024 and I get the harebrained idea to try and ask her to one of the classes to play with my wood, I mean play with wood, wait I mean make something out of wood. A portion of this harebrained idea was to motivate myself back into creativity and focus on my mental health. I know most of my mental health struggles come from a lack of participating in my outlets (writing, painting, gardening, exercising, model building, and playing card games) and this usually occurs when the alleged “work/life balance” swings more so towards work. For me at least, I relate work/life balance on the amount of mental capacity that I need to give up to accommodate my tasks as work. At this time I work a regular corporate bank job with a primary focus on sales. With my new therapist we’ve been working on incorporating what is known as the “spoon theory” into my daily routine and mental space. Spoon theory is best described as looking at your entire mental capacity as a handful of physical spoons. It was first coined by an individual who has chronic health issues and how taxing mental health is on their day to day lives. The idea is that you only have so many spoons to use throughout the day and one a spoon has been used it’s no longer available. There are days in which I’m a bit more chirpy than others and it’s usually because I didn’t have to expel that much energy at work. And there are days in which I shamble along because I’m mentally taxed and have no more bandwidth left inside me.

I want to explain this little tangent and how it relates to the story at hand. When it comes to my special interests (mountain bikes, cooking, music, and Star Wars) regardless of my headspace I instantly will perk right up if someone wants to talk about one of them. Case in point with the girl from yoga asked me to explain from a culinary perspective why pineapple on pizza works well. I then proceeded to fully unmask and let the ‘tism fly free. For me personally I tend to always keep my mask on as a defense mechanism (and I’m highly certain this is the case for most if not all autistics out there) because subconsciously I think that I must mask to hide my social ability shortcomings and to fit into society’s expectations.

The main issue that I grapple with is how I overly complicate and over think situations when it isn’t black and white. To me at least relationships are organic in nature and are living breathing entities that which have two human beings intertwined at the center of it all. This is where I think my ‘tism is kicking in this “situation”. On one hand I want to ask her out but on the other I don’t want to “loose” a possible friendship/connection and come out of it looking like an idiot who misread the room (something that I do quite frequently might I add). I do recognize that I am subconsciously fighting the natural variability of life but I also recognize that I do lack some perception due to neurological divergence from a “typical” individual. I’m not hiding behind a disability but I recognize that my disability can hinder at times but on the flip side sometimes these skills can be learned over time. I know that I can learn these skills but I need to ultimately to try and put myself in these “uncomfortable” situations. The thing about me is that I have a hard time working and thinking in the gray areas.

Looking back at the past I always tended to avoid “uncomfortable” social situations/interactions which meant I often became a wallflower. This thing is I want to change but the reality is I really don’t know how to change. Everyone around me has been encouraging me to take that leap of faith but the devil on my shoulder tells me otherwise.

I know we shouldn’t change who we are at an intrinsic level, but maybe we need to look at a change of vocabulary for this idea. I see the value in growing in who I am, and exploring the world around me from a philosophical and social perspective. I know that I have the ability to learn new ways and when I look at everything from the third person point of view I can see the growth I’ve made thus far. We also need to redefine what change represents in order to tie the idea back into our updated vocabulary. Change is and will continue to be a normal event that will happen in everyday life situations.

There are three constants in life: death, taxes, and change. When I look back over the past handful of years I recognize the personal growth that was very been cultivating which has resulted in change in a positive light. Personal growth and development begets the change that we want to see and allows us to mature into the individual whom lies at the center of our being. So when we approach the concept of change from one that is defined as complete shift of who we are to a definition that is centered around growing as an individual we completely bring a new light and purpose to this unavoidable constant in life.

Now back to my story at hand. Because of my normal tendency to shield myself from uncomfortable social situations, I grew to become a bit of a wallflower. Now I wouldn’t say that I’m entirely a recluse from the world around me as I do engage in social interactions in my “safe spaces” (yoga, Magic the Gathering nights, WarHammer, mountain biking). Also I’m perfectly ok with sharing my vulnerable side as a means to share empathy and normalize the pain that others may be going through themselves. But to me asking someone out is an entirely new vulnerability that I do not have much experience in dealing with or even sharing. This is the root of my conundrum. The ‘tism is trying to shield me from experiencing discomfort while prioritizing status quo. I firmly believe that the other part of this equation is a general avoidance of getting close to people. Don’t get me wrong I have friends but I don’t hang out with them on the weekends, I tend to do things alone, and I really don’t reach out to people. Apart of this I believe stems from the issues I dealt with back in 2019 with a toxic relationship and downward spiral I found myself falling through. I know that this is all in my head as my friends at the yoga studio have told me otherwise and we do hang out after class to shoot the shit or eat dinner together. I am very thankful for the group of friends I’ve made at yoga as it’s been instrumental in removing a bit of my shell over time.

Here is the thing the night can be bright with all the stars and moon shining. And change can just be that, a light to brighten up something that was once dark. Personally for me change is something that I struggle to accept and usually I have to force myself to make the necessary adjustments. But I know I can do better for myself and I do unconsciously make small steps in developing my personal growth and allowing more change to happen. I will say that I see my biggest steps when I am able to fully unmask around others and let my true self shine that change happens quicker. I believe this is due in part to the idea that the energy that I put out gets returned by these individuals whom I’m interacting with as they accept me. For me at least the hurdle that I am working with is to give change a chance and allow for a little more personal growth to happen.

Once again when we take a step back from life we can see that just with a little change in perspective we can see the bigger picture at hand.

New Year, New Drive

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With a new year comes a new drive to obtain new heights. 2020 was meant to be the Year of the Hustle, and in some ways that was true. I was able to get a business up and running and created some opportunities for myself. Now that 2020 is in the rear view mirror, I’ve transferred the detailing business over to my mom and step-dad due to personal physical limitations and have placed all my attention on my new opportunities.

So where does that leave me? Well 2021 will be the Year of the Ascendance. Join me in ascending to new personal heights.

My first big goal is to have my book finished and published by my birthday, just a short 96 days away. Personally when I set goals I try to make them as accomplishable as possible. Now that I’m on the up and up with my hand/wrist I’ll be back to toiling away writing and creating content.

Around here you may see a few changes, I’m going to be including Amazon affiliate links to generate a little revenue as well as starting a YouTube channel to help with marketing and increase my reach as well.

The hustle isn’t going to stop but will only get stronger.

So let’s raise our glasses to the new year. Keep reaching and keep striving towards your goals. You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.

Black

Posted on by fearnothing321

Before we start this conversation, I’d like to thank the sponsor of this chapter THC.

Pearl Jam without a doubt will always my one to true favorite band. And Ten will always be one of my favorite albums. Speaking of Ten, the chart topping, Black, will always strike a chord with me. Black tells the story of an individual who is in a one-sided relationship with self-destruction (huh, sounds kinda familiar).

The quarantine lifestyle really dulled the world around me. But this year hasn’t been the only reason for the melancholy. My total downward spiral is the true culprit of my life of melancholy. Ever since college I was walking a path I didn’t want to follow all because society told me this was the only true path. At times I felt constrained to not explore my true self and became a cog in the machine. After hitting rock bottom I knew a change needed to be made. Lately I’ve been reinvigorated with following the path towards enlightenment and healing energy.

For me the world was in color, but not vibrant colors full of life. While I want to lead a more balanced life, however I want my scales to slightly favor vibrancy, rather than idleness. Mindfulness is the wind that’ll create the waves that you can ride into the sunset. Walking in a world of melancholy of just pure existence is tiring on the soul. I’m constantly tense and clenching my jaw.

I used to always joke that I had a horrible short-term memory, and in fact that is pretty much true. There have been plenty studies regarding memory and issues with depression. It’s not that I blatantly forget everything, it’s more of the fact that my brain remembers the negative rather than the positive memories. October 2020 began my evolution to set positive intentions and spread positivity to those around me.

It’s time we set forth positive intentions to pull us from this ink washed world. Because we will have a nice day.

As I’ve mention in prior chapters that September brought me on to the path of enlightenment. October has introduced introduced setting positive intentions in the daily mix. My constant dance with my past was pulling me further down in the ocean. I was drowning in my struggles with depression. Therapy taught me how to swim to the surface and tread water. The path of enlightenment and positive intentions has jumped started my ability to swim.

Today I went the dispensary for the first time today and picked up my medicine. I figured edibles would be the best route for me, because you know the whole cystic fibrosis thing. I started to unwind and decided I should try out these THC gummies to make sure they gave me the needed effects.

Twenty minutes in and “These edibles ain’t shit and then………..woah .” I proceeded to laugh for twenty minutes straight over something a friend said. Dudes, seriously I laughed for friggen twenty minutes straight. I was fully blazed at this point. I then proceed to launch an assault on an innocent bag of Funyuns. My path towards enlightenment has made me aware of the waves around me constantly. For once I jumped up and rode that wave.

Suddenly my world filled with color and good vibrations. I attribute this to my state of mind prior to my flight. Up until this moment I had been working on keeping a positive mindset while moving forward. I didn’t want to accept the negative, but rather seek positivity and progress. I didn’t want to constrain myself the the depths of the ocean but rather the freedom that they possess.

When I sought out my marijuana recommendation, I didn’t seek it as an escape from depression and that was never my goal. I needed way to manage my arthritic pain. The added serotonin and dopamine are certainly a welcomed effect. Also it helped with a few CF related symptoms. Lord knows I don’t eat nearly enough at times, and sometimes I really need help coughing up phlegm. I can see how the use of marijuana can become habit forming, but in reality all vices do that. But I believe a balanced mind will help in regulating habit forming activities. And holy hell my libido became strong like a bull.

I was fluid once again moving to the beat of my own drum. I felt the tension release and how tired my body truly was. The weight of the world was lifted on my shoulders and felt my true self emerge from its cocoon.

Once I started to descend, I switch the music I was listening to from reggae to slow jazz and kept the vibe going. This singular experience taught me to see in color. What was once gray and melancholy is now full of life and motion.

I felt Alive (pun intended, I couldn’t help myself) for once. I’m gonna go hang ten off my longboard and continue riding this wave.

I’ve always have been a supporter of the legalization of marijuana. We’ve evolved to have cannabinoid receptions in our brains so our ancient ancestors were on something. I come from a long line of hippies, so I’ve held the personal opinion of natural versus processed when it comes to the things I put in my body.

I will say, I’ve never been on any kind of SSRI’s for the treatment of depression and I wholeheartedly say you need to seek professional assistance when dealing with prescriptions. Under no circumstances should you ever suddenly stop taking SSRI’s. Be sure to consult with a trained professional when discussing medication.

I’ve Been Through Hell Today

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Yes life does suck at time, but remember it’s all about perception. I remember back during March of 2019, one of the things that I would wish for is for something to “just be easy for once.” On the surface the last three years for me have been the roughest to say the least. 2018 – divorce, 2019 – Cystic Fibrosis and self-destruction, 2020 – I got COVID-19 (lovely combo COVID and CF make), but when I look this all now with sober eyes, these are just hurdles for personal growth. If anything I’m just the luckiest dude at being unlucky.

There was a CFer who posted on Reddit asking if anyone else was angry at life. When you have a chronic disease usually that means you are faced with a set of hurdles not many get to see. And yes Cystic Fibrosis is like no other disease out there. I will way that yes, specifically last year, that I was angry at life. That anger wasn’t misplaced, I truly felt my life all of a sudden got even more tougher than it needed to be. There are many in the community who share these same sentiments, we feel as if we are burdens to our family, we hold our loved ones back, we constantly need special attentions, and our physical bodies limit what we can do.

I’ve been through hell today

Good things are bound to come my way

– The Interrupters, Good Things, Say it Out Loud

Now when I look back from today, my eyes don’t see life as being tough. What I see is a series of challenges to make me stronger both mentally and physically. In the “Angry at Life” Reddit post I likened a life with CF with having life set to the “Legendary” difficulty setting whereas other may have it set lower by default. And remember life can always be worse. I’m lucky enough to still hav both of my parents, I have most of my health, and I’m standing on the right side of the Earth. It’s that simple thought that can bring you back to center.

There is only one god, and His name is Death. And there is only one thing we say to Death: ‘not today’

-Arya Stark

As I’ve stated in the past, I’ve had to come face to face with mortality multiple times. Whether it be knowing that one of my medical conditions could turn against me, my previous attempt at suicide, or my current run-in with COVID-19. With my eyes finally clear and my mind focused I say to the god of Death “Not Today.”

Just remember, it could always could be worse. Life at the end of the day will work its way out. Its up to you to face this challenges and tackle them head-on. After you have climbed the mountain that is your journey, you will rewarded with knowing the fact that you have looked adversity in the eyes and conquered the tasks you were given.

Be sure to listen to the song below.

Get to skankin’