Author: fearnothing321

Riders On the Storm

Posted on by fearnothing321

I’m no stranger when it comes to wild weather. My dream job has always been either a tornado chaser or hurricane hunter. Unfortunately for me I could barely pass calculus 1 with a C- so, meteorology was out of the question. But a dude can dream right? I really wanted to use this version of the song for those Need for Speed Underground 2 nostalgia vibes, but the original is a classic. Down here in Floriduh we get our fair share of rough storms, but these storms are different. But here is the thing we all face our own storms. Some can be rougher than others and some are meant to just slow us down.

First order of business is to assemble a ragtag group of fellow storm chasers because there is history to be made. So let’s leave Wakita and hopefully beat Jonas and his team of corporate storm chasers to this historic storm that is brewing.

The main idea of this conversation is coping mechanisms. I’ve learned over the recent years to develop healthy coping mechanisms as a means of engaging with my emotional states rather than drowning them in intoxicants. I now have a close group of friends that can help lift the burden off my shoulders if I need it. As well as other activities that I use to engage with my expressive side.

So how do we recognize a storm that is brewing something wicked? It’s both easy and difficult at the same time.

Red sky at night, sailors’ delight. Red sky in the morning, sailors’ take warning.

Depression really is like the ocean. Sometimes it’s not that rough, just a gentle reminder that it’s there and other times it’s weighing you down with its immense pressure. Remember we are on a journey to be more mindful of our surroundings and mental states. The tides of our emotions will come in the form waves and sometimes a rouge wave will really knocks us on our ass. While we may feel as if we are alone in an ocean of depression.

Here is the kicker, we have to learn to be agile. And its okay, we will make wrong decisions at times, but those decisions will be the right decision at that time. This is what it means to be human. We live and we learn. We grow with the world around us and seek to understand this journey that we are on.

What do we need when the waters get rough? Life jackets. Here in the mental health realm, what we really need and want are coping mechanisms and expressive outlets. Remember we are human beings and we have basic needs that we must always make a priority in our lives.

For me at least my depression returns when I feel as if I loose my creative outlets to express my inner self. Prior to March of this year I had multiple outlets that I used to express my creative energy. I throughly enjoy building Gundam models (Gunpla to us hobbyists), painted my Warhammer models, built my r/c car that I’ve dreamt about for years, created recipe ideas, and worked on this book. Lately my life has been revolving around work and work alone. I haven’t had the time to take care of my needs both mentally and physically. Lately I’ve noticed that I’m starting to loose weight unknowingly. You may think that is a good thing, however with cystic fibrosis that’s anything but good. Stress from work continues to compound in areas that I didn’t expect to happen. Luckily it seems that life is showing me once again what is actually important.

Do you see those dark clouds rolling in? I think we are going to experience a severe storm in a matter of moments.

We are no strangers when it comes to discussing on what forms depression can manifest within the human mindset. We’ve talked about suicide, touched on self-loathing, and brought up dysmorphia. However I feel as if we haven’t talked about the true weight of suffering in silence, self-harm.

Yes some storms are worse than others and generally cause exponentially worse damage. I knew I would have to eventually bring up this topic, self-harm. I will say I really don’t know how to approach this topic. I feel that this is an even way more taboo topic than suicide to discuss. To those out there suffering in silence, I hear you. There are many forms of self-harm that are easy to hide and easy places to hide those scars. Nonsuicidal Self-Injuries (NSSI) are types of self inflicted injuries that are meant to serve as a distraction from some type of mental state that we are experiencing and want to go away. I will say the reason why I really don’t know how to approach this topic is because I’ve never really experienced the weight that this mindset brings. Yes the insides of my cheeks are scarred up from a habit of biting my lips and the insides of my cheeks to deal with anger and anxiety, but not to the extremes that some have to go to escape their mental jail.

I can see why someone would choose self-harm as a means to escape from the confines of depression and anxiety. The physical pain caused by cutting, burning, hitting, and pulling one’s hair out acts as an immediate distraction from the mental pain they are going through at that moment. Then the brain dumps serotonin to relieve the physical pain and the serotonin stabilizes your mood.

Just like the conversation that we had about suicide, I want to talk about self-harm in the same manner. It’s easy to say “just stop doing that” from an outside perspective, but all we are doing is invalidating the pain that someone is going through. You have to understand that this is the only way that they have found to deal with the negative headspace and pain that they are going through. Also unfortunately the act of self-harm can turn into an addiction because of the body’s natural reaction to release serotonin. Much like suicide, the acts of self-harm are done because that individual needs a release from the reality that they see. If you have a loved one that engages in some form of self-harm, try not to invalidate their pain, rather give them a shoulder to lean on.

When we act as caretakers, sometimes we venture into the realm of coddling. I believe this inner tendency comes from an innate action to protect others from the harms of the real world. Awhile back I was having a conversation with a friend in regards to the parents of some of his students. He told me about the recent trend of lawnmower parents. Lawnmower parenting is the act of removing any obstacle or negative experience that your child may face in life. To me this is an extreme form of coddling. This is also tied to the “everyone gets a trophy” phenomenon that we see in childhood sports. I don’t mind the acknowledgment of participation, but to make it the main focus of the sport activity it loses major value.

When we coddle someone we remove that opportunity for them to learn from the experience. The human experience is one filled with pain and learning. We have to learn to understand our emotional states as well as learning to deal with conflict. Conflict is another highly complex emotion. We can have internal conflict as well as external conflict. Internal conflict is arguably the harder of the two to deal with in my opinion. When it comes to conflict with someone else, it just isn’t worth your time. However internal conflict is a much more difficult emotion to deal with because negative thoughts are heard loud and clear.

So in times when one of our loved ones is suffering it’s always better to express empathy. Validating one’s pain and struggles will help lift the storm clouds around them and help begin the healing process. Empathy is what makes lasting human connections. It’s easy to just remove the obstacles but it’s another thing to help that individual to move through these obstacles. You can really make a person’s day that just by expressing a little bit of empathy.

There is still so much for us to learn still about tornadoes. Storm chasers are out there gathering data so we can increase early warning systems by seconds. When it comes to tornadoes they are part of a even bigger storm, the supercell (no, not the Cell from Dragonball Z). Storms are a bigger picture experience that is unfolding before your eyes. When conditions are just right a tornado has the potential to touchdown and wreck some havoc. However this will not always be the case. Overtime your gut instinct will become your early warning system. By honing in your gut instinct you will be able to observe your past to better your future. One more Alan Watts quote: “A predictable future is your past.”

Because tornadoes are a very chaotic storm system that comparatively doesn’t last that long they are typically categorized for how much they “eat” and wind speed estimations. When we experience one of these storms usually something needs to be removed from in front of us because its been distracting us from something important. I will always believe that things happen for a reason, whether we know that reason. I know the storms in my life has shown up when I drifted to far away from my personal values.

Even though we’ve learned all of these techniques to better understand these mental storms, sometimes a rouge wave comes along and knocks us on our asses. I give to you the perfect storm.

Here is the thing, sometimes the perfect storm comes along and tests our resolve. Even though be can be as mindful as possible a rouge wave always has the potential to come along and sink our ship. One of my favorite idioms that I heard from a previous manager was “be like the palm tree swaying during the hurricane, not like oak tree stiff in the wind.”

Much like the weather, I’ve been learning how to read my emotions. The end goal here is understanding how to be mindful of your emotional state. I’ve typically characterized mental health by being surrounded by water. Much like water, your emotional and mental states are fluid.

My personal storm that I’ve been weathering for the past few years, always involves the same subjects. Taking care of myself while trying to balance employment needs. A few months back I had a discussion with my dad in regards to further employment within my current employer. I mentioned to him that I was seeking out a corporate level position likely in some form of marketing and content creation but had some major hesitations. I told him that I was getting a gut feeling that was very similar to my first job right out of college. This is the job that jump started my issues with alcohol. I told him that I felt as if I was approaching another crossroads when it comes to decision making. On one hand I really like the company that I work for, but on the other hand the experiences that I’ve had with dealing with upper level leadership have left a sour taste in my mouth. Fast forward a few months and I’m given a promotion to store manager and the premonitions are proving to be true. Remember when I said my gut feeling has never let me down, except when I failed to listen? Here is the decision that I am at currently, do I hunker down and ride the storm out or do I evacuate to safer lands?

My gut is telling me to put up the storm shutters and leave town. In the short few experiences that I’ve had its shown me that this is only the tip of the iceberg. But what I really feel is happening is life telling me to be true to myself once again. The biggest thing that I struggle with is balancing my medical needs with my day to day life needs. I am someone who has very high medical needs that need to be made a priority. I know I haven’t been taking the greatest care of myself physically over the past five months at least if not longer. My clinic team wants me to exercise more and eat a more balanced diet as well as utilize my treatment vest even more.

So what do I do? Do I continue on the same path that I’m on, which will likely lead to some form of self destruction? Or do I make what is important to me once again the priority? The answer is obvious, we must never stray from what is important to us and our values.

When is it the right time to fight or just walk away from a situation? Yes dealing with conflict is a natural situation that we will always find ourselves in and we do not not want to avoid it. To me the balance is of fight versus flight boils down to is the relationship/situation salvageable. Sometimes people start conflict to get a rise out of you and honestly those disagreements are never worth it because you end up in the mud. Personally for me my choice to walk away from a relationship/situation always comes to a values based decision. I never want to compromise my values for the sake of someone else.

Once again another storm comes and goes, and a new path forms. Yes, powerful storms will cause scars to be left behind, but sometimes some distractions need to be forcefully removed. So what might these storm be trying to tell us about ourselves? To me it’s the idea of letting go and embracing who you want to be.

The ultimate goal of taking care of yourself mentally is acceptance of who you are and what you want. We will talk about innate desires soon, but for right now we are talking about the self. Even though I’m not a fan of his work, I still want to bring up Freud’s theory on the Id, Ego, and Superego. Freud categorizes these three entities as to what makes up our unconscious mind. The Id represents the animalistic needs, the Ego is us in reality, and the Superego keeps us within the constraints of society. I get the ideas that Freud was trying to make this this idea, but if you want to dive deeper into his understanding you’ll see why he is considered to have fringe theories. This usually stems from his ideas on human sexuality.

I want to take a quick intermission. What we are talking about here is the unconscious consuming self, the subconscious self, the sense of self (the you). These are all ideas that we create about ourselves whether it’s because a nature versus nurture or consumption versus fulfillment need. These selves are driven out of desire for something that we perceive that we need to live. I also want to talk real briefly on another definition of ego. We also know the ego to be a inflated perception of the self that we see. I’m talking about when we say people are egotistical. This is characterized by people who are very conceited and arrogant.

I’ve recently landed on the idea that goal of a lot of therapy is recognition the self. I see the value in which Freud was trying to explain, but tying these ideas to the sexual organs misses the point. Society has evolved to make us worker bees with the end goal of consuming. When realize our self (the you) we pull ourselves out of the mindless drone role and become a builder of our own world. In my opinion this image of the self has control over the animalistic desires as well as acknowledgement of the forces that society places on us.

When you’ve recognized the self, you will find what is important to you.

And then we have the foil of the self, the false self. What is the false self? To me the false self is the lies you tell yourself as well as living unconsciously. If you truly want to live a fulfilling life, you are the only person who capable of understanding what it is that you want. Everyday we are bombarded with false standards of needs and happiness. We are told you need a house with a white picket fence, children, a partner, and a dog. But that isn’t for me and it may not be for you as well. We are taught from an early age to consume materialistic needs whether it’s from social media, entertainment, social circles, or unconscious societal norms.

I recently had a conversation with a coworker in regards to children and housing needs. She wanted to know a little more as to why I do not want kids. I told her due to my high medical needs and the lifestyle that I want to live it would not be fair to raise kids. I explained that I generally need to give most of my personal attention to making sure I maintain my health. She did a bit of self-reflection on that and noted that had she had the same information that she has now she may not have had kids for the same reason.

This is all a callback to my story. Remember my ex-wife and I thought that we need to have kids because that is what married people do. When I look back I can only imagine the lasting issues that this would have caused if it did actually happen. We were following a path that we perceived as the only acceptable means of being “adults.” We were allowing our false selves to dictate the actions that we were making. Luckily my ex-wife saw through these lies that we were telling ourselves.

We will talk more about these ideas and concepts in the next chapter.

So how do we let go of these false needs? Simply, we kill the false self.

I know that sounds super drastic and something that the Joker would say, but that is reality. Recognizing the influences that our modern society are placing on us are placing an unneeded weight on our shoulders. Think about, what are the things that drive your depression, anxiety, and questioning about yourself? I’m serious, what is it that you want for yourself, not what others want or expect for you?

In my opinion a lot of our issues are caused because we are trying to fit within some kind of mold. A vast majority of my anxiety was driven by time and a belief that I needed to follow society’s “rules” on what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. My divorce, diagnosis, and previous relationship tore away the rules and showed me the path that I wanted to follow. These storms removed all of the unnecessary distractions that I had been clinging on to because I felt that they were important, but in reality they were not. I have embraced a higher understanding of who Tony is and what it is that I actually want. My false self has been laid to rest and my real self is now in charge. I always commit to keep it real. And I implore you to do the same, just keep it real.

Major life changes can also bring anxiety with them as well, but here is the kicker. Everything will always work its way out. One of favorite sayings as of late is a quote from Alan Watts, “Do what you love and the money will follow.” Yes you will have to hustle for a time, but as he said in that speech someone is interested in what you want to do. We will always have some sort of storm blowing through our lives. It’s not always going to be happy and cheery. We have to learn to be the surfers and meteorologists of our mental oceans. Our emotions are fluid just like water in the ocean and the winds in the atmosphere.

As I’ve said in previous conversations, the ultimate test of faith is letting go. Letting go of unnecessary weight will allow you to become more fluid. The combination of mindfulness and acceptance with the added help of fluidity, you now will be better suited read these waves. These storms will never fully leave us, but we can be better prepared to act when they start to form. Always remember April showers bring May flowers. We may not see why that storm came through but the answer will be provide in due time.

Alone I Break

Posted on by fearnothing321

***Quick bit of house keeping on this post before we jump into this topic. This post does contain Amazon Affiliate links as a means of monetizing my blog. Any qualifying purchases made threw these links will generate income that goes towards supporting this effort.***

Now that the legal mumbo jumbo is out of the way. We are going to visit a new depth on this next deep dive.

Alone.

That’s it, my biggest fear.

And I’m not talking about the “I don’t have a partner kind of alone.” I’m talking about the it’s a sea of darkness and you are doing all that you can to keep your head above the water kind of alone. The kind where you unconsciously are removed from the world around you. Where your mind tells you that you are alone in the world, with nothing around you except for the darkness.

Before we start our course towards this undiscovered depth, I want to touch on a few quick details. First off the reason behind my URL FEARNOTHING321.com. I have been using the moniker of FearNothing321 since 2007 and it occasionally was pointed out to me the irony of that username when compared to some of my posts. It used to be that life was only worth living when it was pedal to the metal and being that adrenaline junkie. However lately the meaning of FearNothing321 evolved into something more esoteric. Nowadays it characterizes the fight. Its not that I fear nothing, it more that I do not fear the fight, and 321 alludes to 3-2-1-GO, as in move. Now I believe that you can experience fear, without actually fearing fear. And to my family following along, this is meant as a window into my mind, so please don’t worry. I will say lately that I have been more regimented in my meditation practices focusing more on clearing my headspace. This practice has helped keep my self-awareness in tune and functioning at the highest level possible. Also I’ve decided it’s time to rip off the water wings and dive head first into these new depths.

Batten down the hatches and prepare to dive. Wait, I thought we were on a plane?

Arguably my worst personality trait grew out of my biggest fear. My ex-wife and I only stayed married for as long as we did because of my manipulation over those nearly 10 years. She hit the nail on the head all those years ago that I was afraid of being alone. Fast forward to today and that still rings true. Now I’ve been working on the manipulation trait to rid myself of that tendency. Now mental breakdown that I experienced back in 2019 was due in large part to a relationship that should not have lasted as long as it did. Now the only reason why it lasted as long as it did was due to my own blindness of what was actually happening. But I feel this event had to happen as it launched me into my journey of true self-reflection and self-awareness.

Everyone said 2020 was the year to forget, but I’d rather forget most of 2019. I recently found an old journal that I was keeping when I was experiencing my low lows. I felt invisible to those around me. What I think I am truly afraid of being alone with my thoughts. I’ve talked previously in this book about my struggles with depression and suicide. I have accepted that those daemons live within me and are never going away anytime soon. My journal entries all had a similar theme: I want the pain to stop. It’s honestly amazing I lived through the summer of 2019 looking back at these entries. There was no question that I was mentally broken that summer.

I think this is the true root of my fear of being alone. I’m afraid of what I will do if I’m alone with my thoughts. My track record really hasn’t been the best in these situations and I fear the future may hold the same potential. Rereading these journal entries really put into perspective how bad that mental breakdown really was.

We can take this a little further with the feeling of being invisible. This is another constant struggle I have within the encompassing fear of being alone. I do not feel as if people “see” me. I feel as if people only see me for a specific purpose and then forget about me. This feeling of invisibility is what has created an isolationist tendency that I now carry. There are times when I just want to go hide and turn off all the lights to remove myself from the world.

I will say that my depression is usually at the highest when this feeling is at its greatest. It’s as if my mind has abandoned the world around me. During these times I feel as if I am just a shell of myself, trapped in the void that is life. These levels of depression can feel like being trapped at the bottom of the ocean with the amount of pressure you mind places on you. Remember the yin yang? Within the darkness there is always a ray of light. I’ve been using this time to obtain a mental calmness when I am floating in a sea of darkness. When I feel my grasp on reality starting to unfurl, I remember to look up. I can still see the sun even though the weight of the ocean is pulling me down. During these times of mental pain, I try to harness this energy to transform it into calming energy. While I may feel as if people don’t presently “see” me, I want to be able to hear myself.

I used to think that my relationship with my ex-girlfriend stole who I was from me. Now that I think about it, it brought me face to face with my greatest fear. Yes, I was robbed of some crucial personality traits, such as self-confidence and self esteem. My ex would always say she only liked because I had a beard, yet hated the way I dressed or my other grooming habits. She would also make off the cuff comments that made is sound like that she didn’t actually like me at all. So you can see, not only were the walls of depression closing in, but as well as the crushing weights of low self-confidence and self-esteem. But I will say, I feel that we need to feel what rock bottom truly feels like in order to connect on a higher level with another human being. I’ve felt the high highs and the low lows.

So how can we learn to live with and empower this feeling of alone? Once again we are going dive deeper into the esoteric knowledge. I’ve come to redefine what it means to be alone. I do not see being alone as a negative anymore. I now see this feeling as a positive and an opportunity to learn more about myself. Also I seek to find power in the realm of feeling alone. One of the greatest tools that I utilize in my mental health regiments is mediation. I first started this practice by working on clearing my mind via my yoga practices. I’ve sense evolved my mediation practices into understanding the complex emotions that we deal with everyday. When it comes to meditation you are removing yourself from that place in time and isolating yourself within yourself. So with this rationale, mediation is a practice of being alone with yourself except its in a place of power not weakness or desire (more on that coming soon). The silence that you create within yourself will allow you to actually hear yourself speak truthfully on what it is that you want.

I’ve stopped trying to force things to happen. Things will always happen when you least expect it, because that is how the universe works. In Chinese mythology there is a story of the red thread of fate. The belief is that we are destined to meet our person because they are attached to us via a metaphysical red thread. The movie, Your Name (君の名は), is a new spin on this classic folklore story. Your Name adds a nod to the Japanese tradition of Tanabata (七夕) and the star crossed lovers of Vega and Altair. This story is always on my list of go to recommendations as it is a good representation of fate. One of my key points that I’ve been meditating on is that a significant other will not fill any void within me. Just because you want the feeling of being alone to stop doesn’t mean that being in a relationship is the correct fix. I can assure that it isn’t and it will only amplify the hollowness that you feel. I always like to say that you must love yourself before you can love another. What I’m saying here is that the love you have for you will grow into love for another. Acceptance of you and your place in the universe will open up fate to you and doors will start to open. A love that is built on seeing eye to eye as equals will last longer than one built on vanity alone. This idea can be further strengthened by the idea that what we see in others is actually a reflection of what we see within ourselves.

I want to go one step even further to into the esoteric and defining this feeling we call alone and the fear of death. Lately I’ve been dabbling in the world of Taoism and Zen Buddhism via the teachings of Alan Watts. One night while reaching heights of outer space, I was listening to an Alan Watts speech and my mind was absolutely blown. He characterizes the fear of death of actually being afraid of losing your past. We are constantly caring around our memories to remember a harsh past, a lost loved one, or a desire to be a certain way. That is our past. This is the greatest weight that we carry and carry alone.

Once again while visiting the high mountains, I decided that I wanted explore this feeling. I saw the chains that I was dragging behind me and felt the weight that they were putting on me. I saw the struggle and the pain that I was carrying for so long. Am I ready to drop those chains? I honestly don’t think I am. I feel as if these chains are currently keeping me rooted on the right side of the Earth. Case in point, back in 2019 when I thought I was given a countdown clock, I feverishly held on to anything that I could to keep me in the world of the living. There will come a time when I am ready to drop those chains. And that’s when I’ll be introduced into life everlasting. The idea of death is the greatest form of feeling alone. The biggest hurdle we face regarding this fear and emotion is being cognizant of time. Time is the one thing that drives anxiety and depression. There is never enough time nor can time move fast enough. This is why we crave a fulfilling relationship, because time ceases to exist in the metaphysical sense.

Lately I’ve been trying to live in the here and now and acting as best as I can without premonition. I will say that last bit is kind of hard to really do as I’ve talked in the past on the ideas of removing risk from the decision making process. So I realize that I do sound contradictory when I say both of these ideas. However I believe that both can exist in harmony much like the image of the yin yang. What it boils down to is the ultimate test of fate is simply letting go as well as finding a sense of balance within your decisions. Once again I want to remind you that the roots of the lotus are able to hold on to the mud. Connect yourself to the world around you. Drink in the infinite possibilities, breathe in the solitude, and relax in the comfort surrounding you in this moment of time.

One further way that we can visualize the feeling of alone is by looking at the practice of meditation. When we meditate, we are removing ourselves from current plane of existence and trying to visit another. For me at least this other place of existence is a world in which is only inhabited by me alone. I find power in this world. I find the power to create, to understand, and to visualize what it is that I actually want of myself. I will say I definitely have an affinity for eastern schools of thought. This stems from my belief in the divinity of the self. I am the only one in charge of the path in front of me and I am the only one who can control my innate happiness. I have no one to blame other than myself for the actions that I do. I will be the one to create the environment that I will thrive best in.

We are going to take this next idea with a huge grain of salt, because you know Sigmund Freud was a hack. I’m only bringing this up because I’ve been mentioning the anime Neon Genesis Evangelion quite a bit in this book. The Hedgehog Dilemma is a relationship theory as to why some humans are afraid of intimacy. The idea is that the hedgehog is a spiny animal and it’s unable to find the warmth of others because of its spines. The hedgehog fears that getting close to another hedgehog is going to cause mutual pain to both parties. I can see why this idea may have some merit. I personally have some hesitations about myself, because I carry a lot of baggage: sobriety, mental health struggles, chronic disease, and a divorce. But there is a big counter to this argument. There are others out there that are understanding of the struggle of the hedgehog and are equipped to handle its spines. Those that can truly express empathy can help form lasting bonds with others.

I’ve never been the one to shy away from innate intimacy. It’s the one thing I crave most for in life. Intimacy, whether it’s emotional or sexual is the foundation of a fulfilling relationship. There are a few counters to the Hedgehog Dilemma, mainly being for one we as humans will seek out someone new if the energy we give out isn’t reciprocated and two there are those out there we are capable of dealing with spiny creatures. Once again the image of the ying yang rings true. And another mark against the Hedgehog Dilemma, is the one topic I’ve brought up the most in this book: empathy. Empathy is a practice in human intimacy. To me true human connection happens when we are able to express empathy to one another. By expressing empathy you are actively engaging with one’s self-validation. You are not outright saying you are validating one’s emotional or physical state, rather they come to learn that someone “sees” them.

The Hedgehog Dilemma may only be true if the hedgehog doesn’t put themselves out into the world and become a recluse. Our innate human nature is to be a social creature. I’m not saying you have to spend your time partying it up, what I’m saying is we crave rewarding human interaction. It’s ok to let yourself be loved and to love another. Don’t hide from intimacy just because you are afraid of any pain that may come that relationship. Your pain will be met with empathy. You are worth the love others give to you.

I think it’s time to return to the surface.

You ready for our cliché moment? We have to love deeply. What actually does it mean to love deeply (that’s what she said)? To me at least means to express an empathic love. To me empathy is the root of true human connection. It comes with an air of comfort as builds on the understanding that you will always have someone at your side, regardless of the situation. Empathy is that security blanket that is always there bringing you extra warmth when you need it most.

2020 taught me I needed to better myself. One of the ways that I’ve been trying to bette my self is by learning Japanese. It’s no secret that I’m obsessed with Japan and the Japanese culture. I’ve always had a longing to visit Japan. So I’ve taken upon myself to learn the language as best as I can. The point I’m getting ready to make is I think the English language really fails our ability to properly express our emotions. Aishiteru (愛してる) translates into “I love you” and this word is only used when professing a true romantic love. The Japanese language has multiple ways to directly and indirectly express your emotions. One other observation that I want to make is the Japanese character for human. 人 (Hito/Jin) is the character for human. The character is made up of two lines that support one another. If one side is removed the other falls. This plays into the sense of community that dictates the major cultural identity in countries such as Japan. Throughout the world we see that places where selflessness takes priority over selfishness communities prosper. We must support one another in order to fix the problems that have been plaguing our society for decades.

A major driver in my hesitation to jump back in the dating pool is due to a major lack of personal confidence and self doubt. But what is more confidence boosting than online dating via apps? Unfortunately my generation has made it abundantly clear that meeting people is primarily done via our smartphones. Problem here in lies that these apps crave vanity and can be detrimental on one’s self image. So here is what I did. I set my hopes high and my expectations low. I made my standards clear to myself and stuck to these standards. If my time on these apps proves to be fruitful then my path provided it. Otherwise, I’m going to ride this wave to see where it takes me.

One key relationship that we need to focus on is the relationship that we have with ourselves. I bet you’ve muttered to yourself multiple time some sort of negative quality that you perceive about yourself. I’m talking about the “I’m fat,” “I’m ugly,” and the “No one wants me” toxic musings. None of that is true. We are given one body to live our lives in, so we have to learn to love it. I know body dysmorphia and gender dysmorphia are real and there are those that struggle with images of themselves on a daily basis. All I want to say is embrace who you want to be regardless of what that means. There is enough negativity out in the world and we do not need to be adding any more to our mental space.

I think the important lesson in all of this is understanding what it means to let go. I will say I do not feel alone anymore as I have myself. I have a feeling that things are starting to look up for once and the pieces are starting to fall into place. As I talked in the last chapter about transcending who you are, this concept of letting go and trusting in your own faith has really been key in my mental metamorphosis. I will say it has taken a lot of discipline to maintain focus. This was a hard course to sail, but now I feel just that bit more free. I hope that this feeling passes on to you as well. Remember its darkest right before the dawn.

Transcend Humanity

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No I’m not talking about returning back to primordial soup, so Shinji walk away from the Spear of Longinus and let’s not cause the fourth impact (BTW watch Neon Genesis Evangelion like right now, actually no watch it after you finish reading my book). Spoiler alert when I say primordial soup, I mean that we are all one being, but in the form of soup. And to top it off, this soup is Tang orange colored.

Kenshō (見性) and Satori (悟り) are Japanese for “seeing one’s nature” and “comprehension” respectively. This path that I’ve been walking has made me aware of the belief system that was inside me all along. For the longest time I never felt I never saw my inner self, nor did I ever accept the red flags that kept coming up the path I was walking. You could say I didn’t comprehend the message life was trying to tell me. What I actually mean about transcending humanity is, transcending the person who you are right now or more simply put ascending to new personal heights. For the longest time I really never labeled myself with having a belief system (which in it of itself a label if we are being completely honest here, but I digress).

While I was previously not the fondest believer in labels, however I now know that the opposite to be true. Ask not what the label can do for you, but what you can do for the label. No I’m not a record company, I’m just saying that the label isn’t going to accept you, you have to accept the label. Now don’t allow anyone to label you, nor allow yourself to accept anyone’s label of you because that was created out of a preconceived notion.

Pneuma
Reach out and beyond
Wake up, remember
We are born of one breath, one word
We are all one spark, eyes full of wonder

-Maynard James Keenan

I’ve always been drawn towards the Buddhist mindset and how it approaches this thing we call life. Nowadays I’ve added some additional flavors into the mix: Transcendentalism, a dash of Rastafarianism, and a sprinkle of astral projection (rolled a nat 20 on that one). Lately I’ve been working on my acceptance of the world around me. Who I am, what I am, where I am, who I can be, and what I want to be; it’s time to accept these answers and realities so I can become the best version of who Tony is and can be.

I will say that lately I feel as if I’ve had a major breakthrough with these questions. I am the breaker of chains, and the Mot…wait wrong book. I have freed myself from the machine that is society, focusing my energies on life experiences that actually matter. For once I feel as if I am who I want to be and always longed to be. My mental clarity has been through the roof, whether it’s while working on this book or brainstorming the next one.

As of late I’ve been working on shifting my focus from a consumption mindset to one that builds on intrinsic value. At the end of the day our time is limited on this rock floating through the galaxy, and we can’t take our possessions with us at the end. My dad always says “it’s all about the experience” from taking the time to wrap someone’s gift extra special or to simply slow down and enjoy the moment. This simple saying couldn’t be any more true in today’s world. The things I value most in life are the experiences and memories that I share with the people that are the closest to me.

If the most valuable thing you have are memories, you have led a rich life.

Matshona Dhliwayo

As I’ve been walking this path as of late I’ve been wanting to seek a higher ground and a better understanding of the world around me. During my story I spoke of wanting to find peace, but I think now I’d rather find Enlightenment. Peace is a state of mind where as Enlightenment is a state of being. And thus Enlightenment will bring to me to true eternal peace and understanding. This next song is the embodiment of me: metal and buddhism mixed into one. Life is about balance and following the winds that push you.

Due to physical limitations, one of my main sources of exercise has always been Yoga. The practice of Yoga brought me my first real experiences with meditating. As I stated in my story, my third eye has been open, but I truly wasn’t seeing what it could see. From a personal standpoint I have 2 definitions of the third eye. The primary one being the ability to look back at the journey you’ve completed and understanding the wisdom you’ve gained. My second definition would be the eyesight for Enlightenment. For me at least I have obtained this second definition until recently. When I’m medicating, I take a portion of the night to meditate to clear my mind and set my intentions. This simple practice has made me understand why Rastas view ganja as a religious experience. Now that I’ve experienced the feeling of clearing my mind and returning to a place of clarity, I’m able to recall this feeling regardless if I’m medicated or not.

I firmly believe in the power of meditation and how it applies to my mental health. While to the outside observer my story is full of mud and tribulations, I don’t see it that way. I want to remind you that the roots of the lotus thrive where other plants die. My life up until this point was the germination of my roots, building the foundation that would allow me to grow. From these roots a singular bulb was produced, and it blossomed into a pure white lotus. Maybe one day I’ll produce a golden lotus of my own. But what exactly is Enlightenment? At its roots to me, it embodies the true understanding of the human experience. It’s the ability to see forwards while looking backwards at the same time. your past, present, and future all in harmony.

We know this symbol as the ying yang symbol, but the traditional name is the taijitu. Back in my day, this was the thing to doodle in your notebooks at school, along with the “Cool S.” There are many ways you can interpret the ying yang symbol. When we look at this symbol we see a dance of light and darkness in perpetual motion revolving around each other. And within the light we see a hint of darkness, also there is light within the darkness. We are going to have our bad days and our good days and that is ok. You can’t have one without the other and that is a fact. But when we have our bad days it’s imperative we reflect on those days to understand what happened and what good may come of it. Same thing with our good days as well as there may be a potential unfavorable outcome hidden within. This is how I view my failed marriage and my last relationship. The marriage helped both my ex-wife/partner come out of our shells, and realize the life we were living wasn’t what we wanted. The relationship that I was in for most of 2019, stripped me of the identity that I was clinging onto and forced me to evolve into who I’d later become.

We are all human and we all share the same infinite possibilities to accomplish whatever we set our minds on. Within our bodies lies our soul, our very essence that makes us, us. One common theme amongst all religions is our body is our temple, and we need to take care of it. Much like you need to feed your body with sustenance, we also need to feed our soul with good energy. The point that I’m trying to make here is you reap what you sow. If you want to truly obtain your transcended form, you must take care of your temple. Taking care of your body and mind will help keep the vessel of your soul in tip top condition. By following a life journey that was unconsciously engrained into your psyche, you are leaving potential behind. We are on this planet for a short period of time, so we must make the best use of the time allotted to us.

The human experience is one that is holy. One moment we are here and the next one we could be gone. Lately while medicated I’ve been taking deeper dives into my subconscious to really undercover what drives Tony. There have a been a few times where I went to deep (that’s what she said?) and unsealed my personal insecurities and fears. But here is the thing, in order for me to ascend to who Tony can and will be, I have to an gain understanding of these emotions. Besides the fear of being alone, I struggle with the idea of mortality. I’ve danced with mortality on multiple occasions, whether it was when I attempted suicide, received a tough medical diagnosis, or just daily reminders that our bodies aren’t eternal. I’m still working on that understanding, but everyday I get closer to full grasping the wisdom that life has been trying to teach me. Evolution doesn’t come quick, but a steady practice and intention to grow with make it come quicker.

We need to wake up to the world around us. While we are all equal in nature, and no one is better than the other. We must strive to help elevate each other to reach all new personal heights. It’s time to evolve to the next level of humanity. I know this passage is filled with esoteric thoughts and aspirations. But remember, we are but souls on a human adventure.

Sober Eyes

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I generally have an issue when it’s time to recognize something as real.

I know I had an issue with alcohol, but I never claimed I needed to take a vow of sobriety as that would make my issues with alcohol real. I do not deny the fact that I had issues with abusing alcohol as I’ve driven plenty of times likely over the limit. My lowest point was waking up in a puddle of my own vomit praying to the porcelain god. That morning was a fun therapy session with me being extremely hungover and my therapist not being too pleased with my decisions.

There were times at home where I’d pour a heavy glass of scotch to attempt to drown out my mind, for it to only turn on me and make it worse. Johnnie Walker and I were very close friends but that was a destructive friendship. I had a friend, who in her own words called me “the scary type of drunk” as I was able to hide how intoxicated I actually was. This would always lead to unfortunately driving while over the limit.

I originally stopped heavily drinking when I started dating my ex-girlfriend out of respect. I didn’t want to risk her own sobriety. In January of 2020 I met up with an old coworker at a local bar to shoot the shit and to catch up as I hadn’t been in the office for months to a disability leave for mental health. I told him what had caused me to end up on short term disability and likely where my employment was heading. I was responsible that night drinking well below my limit, but I still felt off. I knew it was time to stop for good.

January 10, 2020 would be the official first day of my journey of sobriety with alcohol. Not going to lie, it was weird hanging with friends when they are drinking and I’m the only sober one there. Do I miss drinking? Not really because drinking brought me into some dark places mentally.

So I will finally say that yes, I am taking a vow of sobriety with alcohol, because I need to recognize the facts that yes I had a real problem that was bound to get a lot worse if I didn’t truly stop. Now I’m not completely sober as I use medicinal marijuana for pain management, but from here forward I will not touch alcohol ever again.

The Supporting Role

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I think it’s time to share the full story on my divorce as I know that there are others out there going through my same situation.

As I stated in chapter 2 of My Story that both my ex-wife/partner both shouldered the blame for our split. We ignored some major red flags and forced things to continue because we were so deep in the lies that we told ourselves. We were both afraid of disappointing our parents, had some level of identity crisis, and an overwhelming need to blindly follow in what society claims is right.

Even though we were together for nearly 10 years, the relationship was rarely ever that stable. During this relationship I grew a manipulative personality and my ex-wife/partner had to hide her true identity behind a mask. The last 3 years of this relationship was where everything started to unravel. September of 2018 the final string holding everything together finally snapped.

My ex-wife/partner embraced her true identity, and came out from behind that mask. She is attracted to women and for the first time she has embraced her identity.

When she said those words with conviction, the rug was pulled from under my feet. I didn’t feel hurt by this revelation as I cared for her as a person and wanted her to fully embrace who she is. At my core I’m a very emphatic person and want to help build people up. Yes, this was a major life change for the both of us, but for different reasons. She was now embracing her true identity, whereas I needed to come to peace with myself. Remember for the longest time I was afraid of being perceived as a failure to my parents, even though they would never do that. I was constantly asking myself “why” during this time. Why did I let this relationship last this long? Why now and not earlier? Why me? I won’t lie I did feel pain during this time and as well as some major rejection. I dreaded telling my parents what was going on, but when I told them I was met with love not disappointment.

Once again my personal insecurities proved to be unfounded.

I want to emphasize I was not mad at my ex-wife/partner for coming out, rather I was proud of her for embracing who she is and wants to be. And I wanted to be supportive during this time as her true being unfortunately may bring along unnecessary judgment by others because of her sexuality. I didn’t want to make a woe is me kind of situation, I wanted to be her support as these were uncharted waters that we were both heading towards.

During this time was when I was going through most of my medical testing trying to figure out what was wrong with me. It really sucked having go through all of this without a support person close by. I felt like everything I was starting to unravel, that’s because it was. During this time was when I at worst when it came to drinking. I was drinking in an attempt to calm my racing mind, but that only sped it up.

February and March of 2019 were some of my lowest points. The divorce was finalized in February as well as the news that I likely have cystic fibrosis came shortly there after. March saw me dance with my daemons once again in the dark depths of my mind. These two months would propel me into the complete downward spiral that would see the complete destruction of who I was.

When I look back at the few years I can’t help but notice the evolution that I’ve completed. I’m not mad that everything unfurled this way, rather I’m upset that we ignored so many red flags over the years. But sometimes events like this have to happen in order to teach us a valuable life lesson. During this time my life went from 60 mph to 0 back up to 200 mph in the blink of an eye. Had I’d slowed down and worked through each hurdle rather than putting the pedal to the metal and ramming through everything I may have made to the other side in one piece rather destroying who I was.

New Year, New Drive

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With a new year comes a new drive to obtain new heights. 2020 was meant to be the Year of the Hustle, and in some ways that was true. I was able to get a business up and running and created some opportunities for myself. Now that 2020 is in the rear view mirror, I’ve transferred the detailing business over to my mom and step-dad due to personal physical limitations and have placed all my attention on my new opportunities.

So where does that leave me? Well 2021 will be the Year of the Ascendance. Join me in ascending to new personal heights.

My first big goal is to have my book finished and published by my birthday, just a short 96 days away. Personally when I set goals I try to make them as accomplishable as possible. Now that I’m on the up and up with my hand/wrist I’ll be back to toiling away writing and creating content.

Around here you may see a few changes, I’m going to be including Amazon affiliate links to generate a little revenue as well as starting a YouTube channel to help with marketing and increase my reach as well.

The hustle isn’t going to stop but will only get stronger.

So let’s raise our glasses to the new year. Keep reaching and keep striving towards your goals. You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.

Black

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Before we start this conversation, I’d like to thank the sponsor of this chapter THC.

Pearl Jam without a doubt will always my one to true favorite band. And Ten will always be one of my favorite albums. Speaking of Ten, the chart topping, Black, will always strike a chord with me. Black tells the story of an individual who is in a one-sided relationship with self-destruction (huh, sounds kinda familiar).

The quarantine lifestyle really dulled the world around me. But this year hasn’t been the only reason for the melancholy. My total downward spiral is the true culprit of my life of melancholy. Ever since college I was walking a path I didn’t want to follow all because society told me this was the only true path. At times I felt constrained to not explore my true self and became a cog in the machine. After hitting rock bottom I knew a change needed to be made. Lately I’ve been reinvigorated with following the path towards enlightenment and healing energy.

For me the world was in color, but not vibrant colors full of life. While I want to lead a more balanced life, however I want my scales to slightly favor vibrancy, rather than idleness. Mindfulness is the wind that’ll create the waves that you can ride into the sunset. Walking in a world of melancholy of just pure existence is tiring on the soul. I’m constantly tense and clenching my jaw.

I used to always joke that I had a horrible short-term memory, and in fact that is pretty much true. There have been plenty studies regarding memory and issues with depression. It’s not that I blatantly forget everything, it’s more of the fact that my brain remembers the negative rather than the positive memories. October 2020 began my evolution to set positive intentions and spread positivity to those around me.

It’s time we set forth positive intentions to pull us from this ink washed world. Because we will have a nice day.

As I’ve mention in prior chapters that September brought me on to the path of enlightenment. October has introduced introduced setting positive intentions in the daily mix. My constant dance with my past was pulling me further down in the ocean. I was drowning in my struggles with depression. Therapy taught me how to swim to the surface and tread water. The path of enlightenment and positive intentions has jumped started my ability to swim.

Today I went the dispensary for the first time today and picked up my medicine. I figured edibles would be the best route for me, because you know the whole cystic fibrosis thing. I started to unwind and decided I should try out these THC gummies to make sure they gave me the needed effects.

Twenty minutes in and “These edibles ain’t shit and then………..woah .” I proceeded to laugh for twenty minutes straight over something a friend said. Dudes, seriously I laughed for friggen twenty minutes straight. I was fully blazed at this point. I then proceed to launch an assault on an innocent bag of Funyuns. My path towards enlightenment has made me aware of the waves around me constantly. For once I jumped up and rode that wave.

Suddenly my world filled with color and good vibrations. I attribute this to my state of mind prior to my flight. Up until this moment I had been working on keeping a positive mindset while moving forward. I didn’t want to accept the negative, but rather seek positivity and progress. I didn’t want to constrain myself the the depths of the ocean but rather the freedom that they possess.

When I sought out my marijuana recommendation, I didn’t seek it as an escape from depression and that was never my goal. I needed way to manage my arthritic pain. The added serotonin and dopamine are certainly a welcomed effect. Also it helped with a few CF related symptoms. Lord knows I don’t eat nearly enough at times, and sometimes I really need help coughing up phlegm. I can see how the use of marijuana can become habit forming, but in reality all vices do that. But I believe a balanced mind will help in regulating habit forming activities. And holy hell my libido became strong like a bull.

I was fluid once again moving to the beat of my own drum. I felt the tension release and how tired my body truly was. The weight of the world was lifted on my shoulders and felt my true self emerge from its cocoon.

Once I started to descend, I switch the music I was listening to from reggae to slow jazz and kept the vibe going. This singular experience taught me to see in color. What was once gray and melancholy is now full of life and motion.

I felt Alive (pun intended, I couldn’t help myself) for once. I’m gonna go hang ten off my longboard and continue riding this wave.

I’ve always have been a supporter of the legalization of marijuana. We’ve evolved to have cannabinoid receptions in our brains so our ancient ancestors were on something. I come from a long line of hippies, so I’ve held the personal opinion of natural versus processed when it comes to the things I put in my body.

I will say, I’ve never been on any kind of SSRI’s for the treatment of depression and I wholeheartedly say you need to seek professional assistance when dealing with prescriptions. Under no circumstances should you ever suddenly stop taking SSRI’s. Be sure to consult with a trained professional when discussing medication.

The Chronic

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No not that Chronic. What I’m talking about is chronic diseases and other medically maladies.

I’m no stranger to the chronic, chronic diseases that is. But these days I do deal with both types of chronic. Having medical problems that are always nipping at your heels can really drag you down at times. For me I’ve 2 major chronic diseases/mutations. Luckily I have a mild case of Cystic Fibrosis (CF) and my one wild card is Hereditary Multiple Exostoses (HME). HME is the one I worry about more than CF. With CF it can be controlled through activity and medication, HME on the hand is a growth mutation wherein my body during puberty grew benign bone tumors throughout my skeletal structure. When I go for orthopedic check up it usually results in some type of surgery to correct a defect.

Recently I had to visit a hand surgeon to discuss some option on lessening some arthritis pain in my right wrist. When I was roughly 11 I had 2 staples placed in my radius on my right wrist to hopefully slow down bone growth as my wrist was starting to grow at a 45 degree angle. The staples did their job, but it ended up not being a runaway success. Come to find out the radius and ulna have practically fused in my right forearm due to my bone condition. I was presented with 3 surgical options, 2 of which were still invasive but not super invasive and the last one was reality setting.

The doctor informed me radiologically what I needed was an ulna head replacement surgery. Yep I’m a 31 year old dude with the skeletal structure of someone at least twice my age. Problem is I’m way too young for this surgery even though it what I honestly problem need to fix my problem. Besides age there is absolutely no way I’d want this, as it would be a complete lifestyle change with major limitations on physical activity. For at least this appointment reopened Pandora’s box within my mind. The route we decided is to trim down the head of my ulna and more or less prep me for future replacement surgery when my age is right. Replacement surgery generally has a shelf life of between 10-15 years.

This isn’t the only issue I’m currently managing right now, both my knees are absolutely shot at this point and my right ankle has a good bone on bone grind. I know I’m never going to be done with surgery and there will always be something on the horizon.

Yes both of my chronic diseases/mutations do add to my anxiety and depression in their own ways. CF will occasionally bring me coughing fits that literally bring me to my knees and excruciating pain in my head and additional anxiety at night when I have a slight difficultly breathing. HME with the one who always rears it ugly head and taunts me with forcing unwanted change upon me.

If you are struggling with a chronic disease like me, just know that there others out there struggling along side with you. Mortality and me have close for at least the past 10 years, whether was the dance we had back leading up to my suicide attempt or the news of my CF diagnosis. We still talk to this day and there always a new reminder that they are waiting to meet again. Yes life is tough but we all have our own hurdles to climb, some are taller than others. When dealing with a chronic disease YOU have to manage it, not allow it to manage you.

I will say yes, that my chronic diseases have lead my routine pain both physically and mentally. Which is why now I’ve received my recommendation for medical marijuana (sorry grandma but it’s the only pain relieving medication I can actually take).

When I feel that I’m starting to lose control I resort back to one of my rituals. Typically in most cases music will get me back on track mentally. In some more serious case I’ll do some mindful meditations to invoke a little self-reflection. I’m lifetime believer in that things happen for a reason. What jump started this current path for me was my side hustle. On the side I was detailing cars. Early in August I was wrapping up on a detail for a friend and all of a sudden my wrist became useless for two days straight. This was my body telling me to seek a new route for self employment.

Do I wish that I had it easier? Hell yes I wish my life would be easier medically. I’ve been retraining myself to manage my diseases and expectations. I know that there others out there who have it a lot worse than I do.

My Story Vol. 2 Chapter 1: The Value of Life (命の価値)

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This year, 2020, has taught me truly that life is short and we must act now if we truly want to live. Reality check after reality check really will set your life in focus. Recently my ex-girlfriend reached out to me out of the blue to inform me that a friend had passed away unexpectedly. As I’ve repetitively said, time heals all wounds and the healing energy is really wisdom we’ve gained. I took this moment to clear the air between us, life is way too short to have grudges and petty disagreements. We both held the blame on how we treated each other. During that relationship we were both at low points in our lives and took the pain out on each other. I was delighted to hear she was going through a similar self discovery phase as well. See, things happen for a reason once again in my story.

Real quick on the title of this chapter. The title is a nod to season 2 of Re:Zero kara Hajimeru Isekai Seikatsu episode 33, in which we find the main character, Natsuki Subaru have a mental breakdown as he is finally able to tell someone what has been paining him for so long. As I’ve said in the past, when I set out on this journey writing was an outlet for me to put my story out in the universe. But as of late, I now view this journey to have an open and honest conversation about our mental health.

This year started out with a leap of faith for me, leaving a very stable job with the intentions of personal discovery. September 2020 introduced the path to Enlightenment and a revitalization of my inner focus. Now I see myself approaching another leap of faith in the future.

I’ve had one too many reality checks come my way, and it’s finally time to listen. Life is way too short and tomorrow is honestly never promised. The crossroads I see myself starting to approach is a drive to experience the world. The ever planner that I am, I have set myself a 5 year plan to meet at these crossroads. I see two paths in front of me: 1) move to internationally (Japan, Scotland, Canada, etc…) or 2) buy an RV and drive around the country. It seems I’ve developed a major case of wanderlust.

Moving internationally would definitely be a high risk high reward path to follow. I’ve been learning the Japanese language and I would believe in 5 years I’d be confident in conversational mastery. I have a basic idea on what I would do for employment and where I’d want to live. I do feel as if there is a major part of me pulling me in this direction to step way outside of my comfort zone and just jump in feet first for once. Japan has always drawn me in with its beauty, where it be the shrines that are numerous throughout the country or the beautiful landscapes that seem otherworldly.

Life on the road however will really change me to embrace a life of mindfulness in multiple ways. I view this path that I’m about to take as a spiritual journey to truly connect with both myself and the world around me. Being able to live in multiple states all throughout the year really plays into my inner gypsy. Also with the RV route, I’ll be able to spend quality time with my parents from time to time. My one fear with this route is it’ll play into my general sense of isolationism. I’ve a very introverted person to say the least. I like anonymity, so I fear cutting myself off from a community will cause to further isolate myself. But you never know what the future holds.

Now one of these paths is near impossible for me due my multiple chronic diseases (Cystic Fibrosis and Osteochondromatosis); as most immigration policies are strict for those coming into the country with high medical needs. Also if I were to move to another country I would need to make sure the medication that I’m currently on is available. I am still planning on making trips to Scotland and Japan at some point in time, but at this point I’ve all but ruled out living there. So that leads me to the likely path that I will be embarking on, traveling my own backyard.

Living minimally on the road is something that has been intriguing to me over the past few years. Last year I attempted to stop worrying about worldly possessions, only to fall back once again into their grasp. This time I mean it, I want to live very minimally. I want to enjoy the world around me, I want to see the beauty that I have been provided by Mother Earth.

I need to say it again, life is way to fucking short. We need to live with intent and just dance to the beat of our own drum. As I’ve said many times I’m close with mortality and I want to make the most of my time left on this world. It’s finally time a put true value into my life and make memories. Yes I already “value” my life, but I’m talking about it making something more fulfilling out of my time. We need to live for today rather than worrying about tomorrow.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called present.

Master Oogway, Kung Fu Panda

As my reality checks have proven to me, tomorrow isn’t guaranteed and never will be. It’s time to finally live and ride my wave. Yes the path I laid out in front of myself will require me to alter my lifestyle, but honestly it’s a needed change. By shifting my focus from worldly possessions to otherworldly possessions (memories, experiences, fulfillment) I will bring more value to my life.

It’s times like these when you need to listen to the calls of your heart.

Breathe in and Exhale the Bullshit

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Here is it, the scared Jedi texts.

Mindful meditation has been a powerful tool that I’ve been using for the longest time. I was first exposed to the power of meditation when I started practicing yoga. Meditation is key in allowing me to focus my mind and get back on track.

In today’s day and age, we are always on the go and tend to loose sight of what’s really important. I know this concept is truly hard in our society as many of have to work in order to live in some fashion. But we can make the most of the time that we do have on this rock floating through space. We need to A) let go of our stressors or B) readjust what we focus on.

Say it with me, “Fuck that.”

While these meditations may seem not that serious at all, it’s all about the mindset. Seriously fuck that shit that you are constantly worrying about. Just let it go, let it go (why did this snowman suddenly appear?), it’s not worth it and it’s weighing you down both mentally and physically. This year (2020) has taught me that my previous notion of normal was just not that. If anything this year has been a learning experience in mindfulness and a greater understanding of what is really important in life.

Give your mind a break every once in a while and fully clear your headspace. The best tool in your mental health journey is your mind. You need to take care of yourself. I have found that simply slowing down and breathing has helped calm my racing mind. Getting more oxygen into your body and more importantly your brain can help ease moments of anxiety.

Remember you can accomplish what you set your focus towards. Don’t worry about the white noise that life will bring along the way, it doesn’t matter. Just because something is happening right at this moment doesn’t mean it isn’t going to happen at all. Key moments in life will happen when they are supposed to happen and usually at times you least expect it. And above all never let anyone piss all over your parade. Do what you can to remove sources of negativity out of your life (i.e.: turning off 24 hour news networks, limiting exposure to social media, removing bad friends, etc…) because this will ultimately have the greatest impact on a healthy mindset.

Recently I’ve imposed a rule on myself of no social media after 8 at night. I have been using this now free time to realign my mental focus. In the week that I have been following this rule, I’ve been able to successfully start learning a new language, less mental stress and anger, and above all a freer mind.

September 2020 began my journey to fully refocus my quest for inner peace. However this path has evolved into more of a journey seeking enlightenment rather than peace. There will always be some level of chaos, pain, and stress in your life and it better to understand why you are feeling these emotions rather than wishing them away. As I’ve stated in prior chapters I’m not traditionally religious I do have my own set of beliefs. Ever since I read excerpt of Walden back in high school, Transcendentalism has spoke to me, and more recently so has Buddhism. The end goal of my journey is to transcend who Tony really is, and be one with who I am.