Have you ever felt that your life was changed because of a person you met?
In an alternate reality there is a world without me as no one stopped me from jumping that day.
Things snowball faster than we often realize.
In another reality there is a Tony who never dealt with his drinking problem and drove home that night and an innocent bystander never made it home. In another reality there is a Tony that never sought out help to work on his mental health (and eventual neurodivergence diagnosis), only to continue to spiral out of control and remain in the grasps of depression. In another alternate reality there is a Tony who became a victim of his own circumstances and drowned trying to fight life’s currents. But here I stand in the present knowing that I did not become these alternate realities, because another person stretched out a helping hand and I reached back out to them.
Originally when I started out on this journey of writing, I originally intended on it just being an outlet for me to explore another creative medium (and a means of working through and understanding my emotions). The first time that someone reached out to me and shared that they had a similar experience or that my writings resonated within themselves, it changed everything. The more and more that I wrote, this journey has evolved into a love letter of sorts to myself.
I want to make a quick tangent to make one point that is vital to this conversation. I know we are talking about helping others in their time of need but I don’t want to forget the most important person in the room right now, us the individual. Lately I’ve been on what I call a bit of an emotional roller coaster. The beginning of 2025 started out good, only to take a downturn with some family health issues, only to sky rocket with my own personal discoveries, only to take another downturn due to a mental breakdown (and personal illness) that stopped me in my tracks. I am self-sacrificing in nature and tend to always think about the wellbeing of others before the wellbeing of myself. Maybe this is because I feel as if I have a life (karmic) debt that must be repaid, but it’s a lifestyle that I cannot manage. Don’t forget about your own needs, as we can’t help others if we can’t help ourselves. I know I certainly forget this vital piece of information, but that is why life is a learning experience. Now back to our regularly scheduled program.
My life has been touched by multiple people, some of those whom are strangers and others whom are friends for life. What may seem like an insignificant moment in time, very may well be a moment in time in which you made someone feel noticed. We all carry a tremendous power to change someone outlook with something as simple as a smile. Lately I’ve come to the realization that life is bigger than me.
Empathy is the single greatest power that we all possess. I pride myself on my ability to express empathy to those whom I meet and those whom I’m around.
I want to see a world in which one person has a positive impact on another to see love grow in the world. At a time in which we are at our most divided (from an ideological perspective and I fully understand that this will not be a “quick fix”) we need to work towards coming together again as a society. And the easiest way to start to heal the damage that has been done is to spread empathy and love to one another. We are all human and we are all stuck on the same rock hurtling through time and space. So it’s time to love your brothers and sisters.
I’m a big fan of everything happens for a reason. In an alternate reality there is a parallel universe without me there. I’ve been pulled back into the world of the living by so many people that I want to pay that forward.
I have written a letter to myself in the past, but it was a suicide note that detailed my mental struggles with depression and mask that I knew I was carrying. However that note will never see the light of day. I still have the old journal that I kept, but it’s currently hidden. I’ve held on to it as a reminder as to where I’ve been and to where I’ve grown.
Just. Be. Kind.
It’s as simple as that. Spread kindness and love will grow in the world.
For us who suffer, you got this. We can do this and every day is a new day. As long as you are doing the best you can is all that matters. I know it’s cliché but it’s darkest right before the dawn. And the world is a better place with you in it.
管杯 (Kanpai), salud, santé, cin cin, prost, sláinte, and cheers to our futures and may they be bright.
January 11, 2025 marked the 5th year in my sobriety journey. And when I look back over the past 5 years it’s amazing to see the person who I’ve grown to love, me. I will make one clarification is that I’m “California” Sober (IYKYK) but my relationship with this lifestyle is much more responsible. The biggest idea that I have learned during this journey, is the power of acceptance. I accept my faults, my strengths, my weaknesses, my imperfections, and above all myself. Sober Tony is free and has made peace with his daemons. Sober Tony is fully in control but also at the same time has relinquished control. Sober Tony understands what is truly important and where to expel his energies.
This metamorphosis didn’t come quick, but that is the point of growing and learning. We have to learn to crawl before we can learn to walk. We also have to learn to walk before we learn to run. There are precipices that we must first reach before we can reach the mountain tops. Life is a journey and above all it’s one that the goal is to learn about your place in the cosmos. I’ve experienced the stripping of my ego, the destruction of whom I was, the rebirth of who I am, and the revitalization of whom I’m destined to be. I am my decisions. I am my faults. I am my imperfections. I am my struggles. I am worth the love I give. I am worth the love I receive. I am who I am and will always be.
I will say that I have come to learn that this level of acceptance, apparently birthed a sense of genuineness (at least what I interpret this feeling/emotion as). The other night I did something that I thought I would never do on the face of this earth. I believed in me. I allowed my mask to fade. I struck fire to the wind. I ran with the moment.
Me and my stupid stims. I must have looked ridiculous beep-bopping away eating pizza in my Stetson, that night. Oh real quick I need to set the stage real quick. Lately I’ve developed a bit of a Friday night ritual. Pizza is one of my comfort foods. And I will only go to one place for pizza. Recently I’ve grown quite fond of a Stetson straw hat that I had originally bought “as a joke” (what kind of idiot spends that kinda coin on a joke?). Recently a pair of Tecovas ended up on my feet, and because it was Valentine’s day a red and black flannel shirt, I shit you not I looked like I was pulled off a package of Brawny paper towels. Oh and my denim jeans and jacket match. And let’s not forget that my beard has some length (and now unfortunately gray hairs starting to appear). My renaissance apparently gave rise to an Outlaw Country phase with a dash of lingering emo. I will say that the combination of clothes I was wearing is one of my “power outfits (shit that makes me feel good).” Music is one of my “safe spaces” and usually when there is music being played that I like, I’ll start to head bob to the beat and dance in my seat. (you know feeling the moment). I will tell you that I was feeling myself that night (well not physically but mentally). This was another encounter with putting myself out there and seeing what the universe will provide. I’m amazed at how cool like a cucumber I felt and boy did I let the ’tism run free that night. A little more background on this fateful night, is that there is this super cute girl I’ve been making small talk with at my favorite pizza joint. I know it super cliche, on this night of all nights, but let’s make a move and take that first step. I noticed the plant stickers on her water bottle and figured her thing had to be houseplants and boom all the ’tism spills out (and I’m pretty sure from both sides from a previous comment she made). Time slowed down, the distractions faded, and a moment was created. If I was the Grinch, instead of my heart growing 3 sizes, my confidence skyrocketed. Whatever comes of this moment is yet to be seen, but for once I believed in myself. So yeah, I guess can do this, just be present in the moment.
I got to this moment in time because I have made peace with myself. I have not felt this light in years both mentally and spiritually. I have lit a fire within myself to continue to grow. I am thankful for my journey of sobriety as it has given me time back (metaphorically speaking). More than ever I am who I am and there is no changing that simple fact. Now this state of being isn’t some sort of Ronco Rotisserie and BBQ “Set it and Forget it” mentality but something that requires continual work.
I used to booze as a means to drown out the emotional side of me (and let’s be real most of us did/do this, we all want to forget). Human beings are meant to be emotional beings and this is okay. I will always stay that I do have a fair bit mental awareness due to being in therapy for so long. Now my original reason for going to therapy was to gain an understanding of my issues with depression as it had been starting to affect my days. I was still drinking what I would consider “heavy” for the first few years of therapy. This did escalate a few times to driving under the influence more than a few times. There was a short stretch in 2019 where I had stopped drinking, due wanting to respecting another’s sobriety while I was around them. During my first run with sobriety, my therapist at the time asked me if I missed it. I remember saying that I really don’t miss it at all, that was until I fell off of the horse for the first and only time. This was around the time when I was considering my first career change. I went out for the usual wings and beers/drinks with one of my old coworkers. I remember after my first drink (and only drink of that night) I had suddenly felt a touch off. That next morning I awoke with that same feeling and I swore to myself that this would be the last drink that I have. I have continued this determination since that very day.
I was using beer bottles to bottle my emotions instead of learning to live with them. I was more focused on destruction rather than understanding. I was trying to bottle up me, I was drinking because I hated who I was becoming. These past 5 years has been about healing and being ok with the fact I will have my down days and up days. I’ve been trying to work with the current instead of trying to fight the battering ram like waves. This is like trying to fight a rip current head on instead of trying to work with the current. You will expel much more energy trying to fight the current, instead of working with the current to carry you with its momentum. There is no real reason that we should be spending energy trying to tread water in the current, when the end result would be drowning. I want to allow the current to provide me with the momentum I need to accomplish my goals.
As you know maybes turn in to nevers.
I know I’ve said this before but I will say it again, time is the most precious commodity that you possess. I’ve been listing to Stephen Wilson Jr’s album, Son of Dad (deluxe) quite frequently over the past few weeks. One of my standout songs is the acoustic recording of the song: kid. To me this song represents a metaphysical timer, however it counts down instead of up. We’ve also talked about nostalgia can lead to fleeting feelings and being more concerned with preserving the past, rather than facing the future. What I’ve been more so trying to recapture is more so my confidence, specifically leaving the mask off. It’s so tiring trying to maintain this stupid thing, because I feel as if I must conform to some unwritten standards. I’ve been slowly indulging into things that brings me joy. Whether that’s painting my nails black or rocking chinos, my Stetson, and checkerboard Vans. I’ve got one life to live, so why not spend this valuable time doing things that are to me? I drank to numb myself to a reality that I felt that I had no escape from, also to try and understand a world in which it’s tough to navigate as an undiagnosed neurodivergent at the time. The more that I am me, the more relaxed I become, and the more relaxed I become, the more in the moment I am present. And this absolutely goes both ways. There are times when I feel down about myself, I can feel other’s confidence become infectious and lift my spirits up.
We are going to die regardless, so why not try and live a little. I am way too preoccupied with thinking about what other people are thinking about me. I am only responsible for one person and one person alone, me. When I take the time to make myself the priority, I do see connections start to form. A simple smile can literally be infectious, like the clap (hahaha, double entente). We all have dreams that we want to accomplish, however we always push them off to tomorrow, and then it proceeds to tomorrow’s tomorrow. Well I’m here to tell you that tomorrow’s, tomorrow’s tomorrow never comes. Time is finite, as we are as well.
There is one major part of this journey that can be tough to find at times and that is a good support system. Paramount to my success has been lately two of my friend groups, my yoga community, and The Brain Trust. My friends at yoga have become more of a quasi family at times and The Brain Trust helps me stay rooted and reminds me to smile. The people who you keep in your life are instrumental in being the bedrock that skyscrapers are built on. Remember the kanji for human is: 人. This character is formed by two parabolic lines intersecting at the top and becoming one. We all support each other at the end of the day and its okay to lean on the shoulders in times of need. We can all support the weight together so we all can get through our struggles.
Time didn’t give up on me, and neither did I. And all that I can do is try and that is all that matters at the end of the day. Just give everyday your best.
Another year has passed, and here again I sit reflecting on where I’ve been and where I’m going. However this is not going to be another “#YearofTheHustle” song and dance. I’ve come to realize how much I’ve grown as an individual and the simple fact is that my time is my most valuable resource. There has been times where I have forgotten to enjoy life and wound up in the every day rat race. I now have come to the realization it is time to stop the hustle and focus on what is truly important and what ignites my passions.
I know in the past that I have been trying to follow a life of living without premonition or more simply, being passive. This was a good practice for me however to learn how to relinquish total control over every aspect of my life. When I was following the waves that life brings, I was re-introduced a forgotten passion, one in which I nearly went to the ends of the world to follow, only to fall right back into the revolving door. When I attempted to live a more passive life, it actually moved me to being more assertive and active. To me 2024 will be the start to my renaissance period and the rebirth of my creative spirit.
So what has changed? Well me to be frank (wait who is Frank, I’m Tony).
I am still the same being known as Tony, but I’ve had a bit of a spiritual awakening. More than ever, I know what it is I’ve been searching for within myself. And to add on to this new found sense of vision, I am more equipped with the needed tools to work towards fulfilling this discovery. I have accepted the fact that this will not be an overnight success and may take some time to come to fruition but my resolve has never been stronger.
In short I had forgotten what it meant to live. Like most of us, I fell once again into the trap that we all find ourselves in, working a dead end career in order to live. However, I do not fault us for continually falling for this trap. We all need a roof over our heads, food on our tables, and our own mental/medical health needs (now personally these needs (mental and medical health) shouldn’t be job dependent, but that’s a topic for a different space). I know that I am extremely privileged to be able to consider a potential career change, without a major hit to my living situation. My biggest realization over the past year has been the relationship between my job and my mental health. I know full well that I’m extremely proficient at my current 9-5 corporate bank job, but I’m start to see the same signs from previous jobs I’ve worked. At the end of each week I find my self burnt out from the amount of tasks and ever growing responsibilities that continually get added to my daily checklist. I also see the path towards promotions continue to dwindle and only point towards a path I’d rather not follow. So maybe it is time for me to look towards a more fitting opportunity, the path less traveled.
Right before the dark ages of COVID-19, I was preparing to become a full-time freelance sports photographer, but due to a global pandemic I back tracked on the path I was following. Fast forward to the fall of 2024, I found myself at a familiar trailhead, the path less traveled. This time I’m prepared for the journey and the challenges it will present to me along the way. Here is where I realized that I have been unconsciously been more active in my decision making. During this time I made contacts within the local newspaper for freelance opportunities in the coming year. I have since been added as a freelance photographer if the need arrises, but I have also since learned that there is potentially a staff job opening up. Quite literally my dream job may or may not have just landed in my lap because I put in the effort to make the connection and stuck my foot in the door.
We all forget how to live, because many of us see no other way to exist as we all are forced to be the exact same cog in the machine. There is a reality in which we all cannot escape the machine, but there are ways in which we can attempt to claw ourselves from its death grip. I had forgotten how to crave out time for myself to be me and indulge in my favorite hobbies or simply just be present in the moment of that day. Now here is the biggest caveat to this mantra, is keeping myself focused on the path ahead. I know I can do it, but I mustn’t forget why I am taking the path less traveled.
In order for us to reach mountain peaks, we must take the first step along the journey.
I said finding Satori, not Dori. I know where Dori is at the moment. She is too busy learning to speak whale and riding the currents to Sydney. I just need to keep working towards understanding why I do the things that I do and the nature of my consciousness.
Just keep meditating. Just keep meditating. Just keep meditating. Just keep meditating.
I want to bring you into the mind of a “high functioning (what does that even mean?)” autistic (neurodivergent) individual. Now autism is a spectrum disorder so there is a wide variety of “symptoms” and characteristics, but these are mine. I have a constant internal monologue going on inside my head coming up with every single question and every single potential answer while simultaneously having a thought pattern about every single point of my body language. So yeah when I look tired, it’s because I’ve mentally exhausted myself from tying “hold it all in.” When I indulge in my hyper fixations suddenly the voices quiet down, but a different more calming voice will suddenly emerge.
I like to think that my hyper fixations constitute the majority of my base nature. I also feel that my base characteristics have always been born from a sense of creativity. Growing up, and still to this day, I’ve had a fascination with building Lego and tinkering with whatever projects I could get my hands on. During high school I took likely one of my favorite classes, auto mechanics. I had aspirations of becoming a mechanic/engineer on a race car team as I was most like myself during these class periods. Now due to external “pressures” of continuing my seemingly easy success in academia, I felt that I needed to follow a career path more so “valued” by society. Once again I wouldn’t change a step that I’ve made in my journey this far as it has led me to this exact point in time. In some ways I believe that some of the “suffering” I’ve endured has ultimately led me to a place in which I have started to understand the nature of my being.
Lately when Mary Jane visits on the weekends and non-work nights our conversations switched from the esoteric to more passion focused. During these conversations my inner monologue voices quiet down only to be replaced by a different voice. This voice has more focus on the here and now. This was the voice that told me about my upcoming renaissance (I swear I’m not schizophrenic, I just like to talk to myself). I know that you maybe saying to yourself “dooood it’s the THC dumping that serotonin and dopamine into your brain.” Well I’d agree, but I also experience this same phenomenon when I’ve got a camera in my hands, or when I’m building a Lego set, or when I am tinkering on a remote controlled car kit, or during a yoga class stone cold ass sober.
As I reflect over these past handful of years, I get closer to understanding bite sizes pieces of me. When I first start out writing, originally I intended on this being more so an outlet to express my inner self. The more and more that I wrote, my simple project evolved into something more meaningful. What was once a simple idea for a blog has since morphed into a love letter to my past, present, and future and a hopeful means at making the world a better place one person at a time.
When I look back at my struggles with depression and anxiety, one of the biggest contributing factors was trying to fit in the mold that society laid out for me. And this is true for many people who come to have similar discussions with on their own struggles with mental health. The marriage I had, only lasted as long as it did because both my ex-wife/partner felt that “we needed to be in this relationship.” We as individuals become so consumed with our outward appearance to those who we don’t even know or have no business in judging others. Why must we jam ourselves into a mold to be like an everyone else?
And one other observation I’m become more aware of over these past few months, is time itself. Time is the one resource that we can never have enough of and it always seems to be running out. When I received my diagnosis of Cystic Fibrosis, I thought at that point in time I only had a few more years to live. Add this on to the fact that my bone condition can become cancerous (I’ve already have the tumors, but currently they are benign), I truly felt my time was running out. Luckily I now know that the Cystic Fibrosis will not lead me to an early demise, but it has taught me a valuable lesson on the importance of time. I know most of my personal frustrations are due to my own “anxiety” of the feeling that time is slipping through my fingers. This I believe to be the source of my renewed passions. The reason why I’ve come to this conclusion is that I’m tired of wasting time doing things that I don’t want to be doing. Now I still have a lot to figure out how to balance my scales to ensure that I can create the path ahead of me while balancing my current life situations (9-5 job).
I feel like I have finally experienced the death of my ego (at least temporarily). My biggest personal project thus far was trying to remove me from my comfort zone when it comes to social situations. I wanted to do this as a means of recapturing some level of my self-confidence. This personal project also had some other unexpected results. Over the summer of 2024 I’ve been having the same epiphany/aha (kenshō) moment in regard to reigniting the passion within my life. As we’ve discussed in other chapters the idea of accepting the imperfect as perfect has been my main focus for the summer of 2024. Unbeknownst to me this “project” was an exercise in living within the moment and listening to the universe around me. This singular journey was spurred on by me trying to remove my ‘tism mask and show the world whom I truly am.
When I look back over the years I see where I’ve come and I see where I’m going. These are the chapters of my life and it all started out with the idea that I needed to learn to learn to love myself.
With every fiber of my being I believe that my routine meditation practice has helped me in my quest to understand the nature of my being. Yes most of my meditation practice consists of my weekly yoga classes, but lately Mary Jane has been encouraging me to meditate while amongst the clouds.
One night while I was blasting off to the moon, I decided to do some thinking in my favorite place, the shower. As soon as I cleared my mental space, the puzzle pieces slowly started to come together one by one. I used to think the end goal was to live “passively” and to not try to force anything to happen as the universe will provide. Along side being passive in life, that at the end of the day things will be what they will be. That night while in my rocket ship I realized that I had been more active in making my life choices, whether that was asking a cute girl out to dinner, making the change to bring my passions back, or trying to crave out a more creative life for myself. I had realized that I had been disciplining my desires to value my time and disregarded any societal expectations of myself.
Shortly after I had reached my cruising altitude, I started to think about the shadow that I see in the mirror. Currently I work for your typical corporate bank, working at a desk with an emphasis on making sales. However this is not the image I see in my mind’s eye when I look in the mirror. I see a more creative future, one in which I indulge in my passions and show the world whom I truly am. Feeling the grains of time slip through my fingers has awoken with in me a sense of determination. I’ve had this shadow following me for years ever since I covered my first major photo event.
Desires are a funny thing when we think about it. It wasn’t until recently that I’ve felt this at ease with how I would characterize my desires. I am not without desires but I feel that I have reached a point where when I desire something it comes a more rooted sense of emotion. I still have a desire for a relationship, but this desire is born from a place craving compassion. I want to share my life with another. I want someone to look into my eyes and see a version of themselves as I would see a version of myself in their eyes. I desire a life in which I can share my story with others and hope that it can help them in a time of need. I desire to one day to share my art with the world and to leave behind a legacy. I desire to have at least one impact on one person and to inspire them to have at least one impact on another. I desire a world in which we build each other up and set aside our differences. At the end of it I’ve been working on desiring things that bring along the idea and the sense of fulfillment rather than “simple pleasures.” The idea that my life will bring fulfillment is an emotion that will start up to the test of time. When we chase “simple pleasures” we are always chasing the next “big high” or rush of getting whatever we had wanted during that time.
So what is the overarching lesson here? It’s all about retrospection, perception, and acceptance. Every step in my life has brought me to this point. Whether these were positive steps or negative steps they still add up to my journey and the building blocks of my life.
I want you to take a moment to reflect on your journey. Think back to what influences your emotional states of being and what is the driving forces in these changes. Are you doing things because thats what you believe you should be doing or are you doing them because it brings joy and fulfillment to your life?
Personally I feel as if we need to remove the words happy and happiness from our vocabularies and replace them with more representative words. Instead of striving for whatever happiness is, we should be striving for states of being such as gratitude, fulfillment, and satisfaction. These three states of being are more inlined to actually provide you with what you are likely thinking what it means to be happy.
I for one believe that in order to fully appreciate the human experience we must endure both pain and suffering. To me these emotional states can be very sobering and can help really make you appreciate the small moments in life. A life without ever experiencing suffering or pain, is sterile and sometimes we need to get down in the mud to see life from another perspective. In my case a lot of my “pain and suffering” (I want to explain why I’m putting this in quotations. We all face different trials and tribulations. Some of these are much more intense than others, but once again our shared pain can form tight bonds via empathy and compassion.) can be attributed to me disregarding the signs life was trying to show me to move on or to let go of whatever was happening. But I have learned from this pain and I’ve come to appreciate my suffering. We are only human and we need to continually remind ourselves of this limitation. We are not robots, nor are we perfect. We mustn’t place ourselves on pedestal or place others on pedestals. When we create these false expectations of others we place our own ideals on to another. When create these expectations on others we are committing them to always having to perform at or above some preconceived level. Instead I want share how I carry my own expectations of myself, just to do my best every day. My best is always going to be different every day, but that is okay.
So what have I learn from looking back at these last ten plus years?
It’s time to get back to basics.
The most relaxing times for me have always when I’ve been outdoors and enjoying the beauty that Mother Earth provides us everyday. Our world is dying all around us, and yet there seems to be no effort to save it any time soon. You know that idiom, stop and smell the roses? Well, we need to being doing more of that before they are all gone. We need to appreciate the world around us and soak in the beauty that is in nature. Global climate change is a very real situation that is leading to the death of our home. Just like me and my depression, we’ve been ignoring to obvious red flags for too long. We need to better learn to recognize and understand red flags before its too late. Being able to slow down and breathe in the calming air that nature brings along will bring you back into the moment.
Over these past few years I had unknowingly been returning to the basics. In the springtime of 2021, I treated myself to a new 1/8th scale nitro R/C racing buggy. I got the chassis, engine, and radio set up that I had always dreamt about one day building and then racing. This was my high school auto shop moment coming rushing back. Tie this in with model building and painting, I realized I am myself most when doing these activities. Also the best connections that I have made have been with those that share a common interest.
That is it. The basics tie everything together and sometimes we just need to be reminded that is all we really need in life.
You may be saying to yourself “well duh dude” but sometimes the most basic ideas flee our minds because we are so caught up in thinking about anything and everything else. I got back into being who Tony is and will be. I am no longer tied to the normal constructs that define conventional thought but rather focusing on my individuality. Much like a hamburger it doesn’t get much better than the basics. The classic combo: meat, cheese, and a bun.
I do recognize that for some it will be easier to get back to basics. I for one do not have kids nor am I in a committed relationship at the time of writing this chapter, so in some ways it is “easier” for me to make major changes in my life/lifestyle. But on the flip side most of my changes revolve around removing distractions from in front of me, such as turning off the TV and listening to music instead, or indulging in a hobby or an outdoor activity during that time as well. Where there is a will there will always be a way to make something work. You just have to come up with the solution yourself as no one will have the complete answer for you.
Listen to the waves they will tell you everything you need to hear. Listen to how they change in frequency. Some are gentle and some are more powerful than others. Life is a series of waves constantly coming your way. But sometimes those waves can be hiding a deadly rip current that can instantly pull you under if you over react.
So what does this all mean? It means live proud and live loud. Fuck the white noise. Time is the single most valuable possession that you have… Listen to that sound within your soul. It all finally has all fallen into back into place and now I clearly see the path laid out for me. Is this how I got my confidence back, by being my genuine self? We are not our trauma, whether it was self inflicted or inflicted upon you.
“If you feel it, chase it” – Kate (Twisters, 2024)
I’m not getting any younger and I realized that I haven’t been living for quite some time. It’s time to seriously put an effort into changing this recent discovery. I have been “aware” of this idea for quite some time, but I kept looking down instead of looking forward.
You would think with me nearly being struck by lightning at least 5 different times, I would be more gung-ho on getting out and living it up, but that hasn’t been the case. If I was a cat, I’d only have 2 of my 9 lives left. I’ve had 2 run-ins with attempts at suicide, and the 5 run-ins with lightning (not counting the numerous near crashes mountains biking). Oh and I just remembered that I’ve nearly been hit by a semi truck back in college when I was on a training ride for the cycling team. So with a quick recount that’s 8 of my 9 lives tallied. So yea let’s make some changes, because at the end of the road we don’t make it out alive and I want to make the most out of the time that I still have remaining.
Recently I’ve made some personal headway on thinking less and doing more. I’ve accepted the idea that the perfectly imperfect moment is actually the perfect moment I’ve been waiting for to happen. Life should never be sterile and it’s time to put what I’ve been learning into practice.
I’m not living on dead end roads no more, instead I’m going to chase the wind and keep it on my back. This maybe a little morbid, but at the end of the day I’ve got 2 degenerative diseases, one of which has started to really started to rear its ugly head and the other is a constant reminder of my limitations. I know I have a ticking clock following every step I take. Here is the kicker I’ve made multiple leaps of faith over the past 4 years which show that I know how to live, but I had lost sight of the bigger picture.
I know that one of the goals of Zen Buddhism is to be without desire, but I’ve trained mine to seek out experiences and compassion with others. Growing up my dad would always put in extra effort when wrapping presents as he would always say “it’s about the experience.” And this will always ring true to me. This simple quote drives my quest to share in experiences with others. I wholeheartedly believe that the true origin of action is compassion.
Buddhism is wholly concerned with removing suffering from the individual. Some say we suffer because we desire, others say we suffer because we fight the variability of life, and most will say that we live in a society that turns humans into gears to fit within the machine. I believe all these ideas are correct in one form or another as I’ve experienced some form of “suffering” in all of these examples. But here is the thing, I believe that we must suffer in order us to truly appreciate the work that goes into taming our tornadoes (yeah that was a deliberate pun). Let’s look at the idea of suffering caused by unchecked desires.
I know that I have let my desires run rampant in the past, and even though correlation does not mean causation, there can be some connection. In the past my desires were corrupted by the world around me. I desired promotions at previous jobs as a means to justify the mental suffering I was dealing with instead of trying better my situation. I’ve desired relationships as a means to rid myself of feeling alone, only to suffer the loss of my confidence and love for myself. These are just a couple of examples that I can quickly recall when I let my desires get the better of me. I can’t fault myself for letting that happen, as I am human.
Day in and day out we are pelted by 24 hour news networks that like to prey on insecurities and create a virtual “boogeyman” that we must fear. On top of all this we have the mistake of all mistakes: social media and the damage that it has caused throughout the years. And we can’t forget “reality tv” role in unchecked desires. In a post COVID world the disease known as “social media influencers” has increased 10 fold with everyone trying to make the next “trendy” item. These overt distractions create within us a false sense of desire in order to sell us something we don’t need.
Now, in the present I still have desires but I have morphed them into aspirations. I aspire to share my art with the world, I aspire one day to experience the world with another, I aspire to help change the world one person at a time, and I aspire to continue to be true to myself. These newfound desires all stem from compassion and empathy that I feel is lacking in today’s world. There is tremendous amounts of suffering around the world, and compassion and empathy will slowly help wear it away.
When it comes to my own mental health, I’ve come to realize that it’s really a self-reflective process. Back in 2020 I saw the beginnings of what changes that I needed to make (and to my credit I did make some changes) to ensure that I was living a fulfilling life. Now due to my then undiagnosed autism, change was something that was always tough for me to digest. I constantly marry myself to my jobs even though the writing is on the fall that I need to make changes. Take my current job for example, I keep telling myself that I only have this job for the medical benefits and to “just deal” with the stress. But to be honest, I’m just tired at this point. It has become abundantly clear to me that I must put my own mental health and physical wellbeing because at the end of the day I’m the only person responsible for these necessities.
However I’m not 100% sure if I’m able to make the changes that I need to make at this time, but I’m going to give it hell. My renaissance has brought back my focus. While my 9-5 job is wearing me down, every time I write or pick up my camera my qi (気) is suddenly refilled and my worries temporarily leave until the next 9-5 day. Come hell or high water I will see this path til the end. This may cause me to burn out a little more frequently, but I doing this for me and me alone. There is another reason for this drive. Both my friends and I noticed that I will unmask around others and I appear to be a different person when I have a camera in my hands. I know this is because photography has always been one of my hyper focuses (Star Wars, mountain biking, and music being the others).
What I’m calling my renaissance period feels completely different from when I was first planning on a freelance photography career. This reawakening feels much more lighter. I’ve mentioned this concept in previous chapters but I haven’t really expanded up this bit of philosophy. Kenshō (見性) is the instantaneous awakening (think of like an “aha” moment) and whereas Satori (悟り) is more so the understanding of this “aha” moment and the ability to continuously express this level of comprehension on a daily basis. Lately I’ve been having more of these “aha” moments but they come with space between them. And for full transparency I’ve been having the same “aha” moment for the past few months. But this time around this moment has dug its roots deeper. Whenever I have this “aha” moment a wave of calming energy flows over me and truly brings life into focus. I feel that I have been learning to listen to the melody that has been playing inside me all this time. I don’t possess all the keys at this point in time but that is ok, life is a learning process.
I’m just tired of driving down dead end roads only to disappoint myself when I know that I must follow the path less traveled. Moving forward I will chance the winds of change.
I’ve really never considered myself to be a religious person, but lately I’ve been diving back into the practice of Zen Buddhism. Back during the dark days of COVID my nightly ritual was to invite my friend Mary Jane back to my place to have our esoteric conversations about life and our place in the universe. Unfortunately I had strayed away from these conversations and found myself trying to escape reality instead of continuing the work on myself. I believe that this was due to perceived pressures from a society that values the wrong ideals and my attempts to rationalize these outside forces. The summer of 2024 has shown me a path that has brought back into focus what is truly important to me.
Wabi-Sabi (侘び寂び), not to be confused with wasabi (even though your boi loves spicy stuff), is a Japanese philosophy of embracing the perfectly imperfect. We are always in a state of change and growth as this is a core trait of being a human. It’s only when we fight this state of change, is when that pesky mosquito, known as anxiety, rears its ugly buzz in your ears. When I look back at the last four years (2020-24) I feel that I have finally begun to grow into the person I saw deep down in my consciousness.
Recently I have ventured back into a creative passion that truly brings joy to me and represents my place of Zen. Photography represents a part of me that wants to share my creations with the world around me. Just before COVID-19 graced the world with its presence I was gearing up to become a full time freelance photographer specializing mainly in sports and motorsports coverage. But due to this global pandemic I grew cold feet and changed course on my self employment. I often wondered what could have been, if I had stayed true to my calling, but once again I wouldn’t change any step along the way. The path I ultimately chose led me to this place in time, in which I have made more lasting connections with both myself and others around me.
One night while talking with Mary Jane, I saw a vision that brought tears to my eyes. This is what I saw, the rebirth of my true self. Recently with the help of some of my friends I’ve rediscovered my passion for art and being my true self.
Now the path that I chose has never been perfect, I’ve made missteps along the way and conversely I’ve made the right steps as well. Life should never be perfect as to as me it would appear that you are living a lie. Imperfections are not ugly, but rather they are character marks of where we have been and the trials that we have faced. Our society (moreover social media/internet/“reality” tv) makes us believe that we are all striving for the “American Dream” but in reality the picture that is painted is overly sterilized. Yes the idea of homeownership, a loving family, and life of stress-free living are things worth working towards, but these at the end of the day not everyone will have the same access to reach these goals. I am very fortunate to have the friends and family that I have in my corner as they are all crucial in helping me accomplish what I have done this far in my life. They have helped pick me up when I’ve stumbled and I am there when they need help along the way as well. What I’m trying to get at is when come across one of our “imperfections” is that it is okay to ask for help to help pick you up when you need it most. When I have a rough day whether it’s because of something from work, or a photo didn’t come out as I had expected, or because someone took advantage of my vulnerabilities, it makes me that much more appreciative of my good days. I don’t sulk as long as I used to as my time in therapy has given me the tools to work through these days to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 
We all have our mountains that we have set out to climb, whether it’s discovering whom we want to become, a personal goal that been on our minds for years, or even simply getting out of bed to face the day. The height of our climbs doesn’t matter, what matters is that we are climbing one step at a time. And remember it’s ok to make a misstep along the way and your path will never be perfect. Yes, at times the stars will align and things will fall into place, but sometimes you need to make do with the cards you’ve been dealt and make the best of the situation. I’m historically a person who only waited until the stars aligned to do anything, because I craved an impossibly high level of control. My story of asking my crush out is evidence of this, until one day I was frustrated with myself with my inability to simply ask a simple question. That fateful night, I threw caution to the wind and made an imperfect moment the perfect moment. I stumbled over my words, had no real plan, and holy shit it actually worked.
I’m ready for my renaissance.
Lately I’ve been getting back in tune with my inner being. I want to share a little story about my name. I was named after my parent’s fathers. My mother’s father was a painter and my dad’s father was a funny enough a photographer. I still remember one of the first careers that I saw for myself when I was younger was to be an automotive designer. I’ve always have been drawn towards creative outlets, whether it was photography, painting models, or playing my trumpet. For the longest time I wanted to get back into photography but I just couldn’t get over the strange anxiety I would develop anytime I would pick up my digital camera. Maybe it’s because I hold myself to some stupid high pedestal that I must create perfect art rather simply capturing a moment. Sometimes we have to get back to our roots to really appreciate where we are growing. What is a better way to work through accepting imperfections, other than jumping in a medium in which there is no instant satisfaction whosever other than the sound of a shutter opening and than closing? That’s right it’s time to go analog and rekindle the light within this passion.
Film as a medium in photography is one that is filled with “desired” imperfections, from the grain of the film, to the slight muted colors in some film stocks, to the halations that are created with bright sources of light. When it comes to the idea of Wabi-Sabi, film photography perfectly encapsulates this philosophy. I seek out these imperfections in my photographs as it breaths life into these moments captured in time. I was drawn back into photography mainly because when working with film it’s not a complete “sterile” experience. You have to use vintage equipment from a time when things were handmade and there will be slight manufacturing differences. One of the lenses that I picked up for my first major project (Poor Financial Decisions Racing) it notorious for having chromatic abbreviations (color shifts in a photo in areas of high contrast), but what do you expect from a lens made in the 1970s? These imperfections, as some may see it, but to me they are essential in capturing the essence of the story I’m telling.
I truly believe that removing the instant satisfaction out of the equation was the piece that I was missing. When I back in college I would rarely “chimp” (looking at the playback screen on the back of the camera after every shot) when I was shooting as I was confident in my skills and I was proficient at nailing the moment. However as my confidence was stripped from me in a variety of ways the more my self-confidence started to waiver and the more I was disappointed in the work I was producing. Fast forward to today I have been unconsciously rebuilding my self-confidence in other means my embracing my identity and seemingly regained my swagger of sorts. This is where the allure of a project of film only photography comes into play. Film has no real instant satisfaction other than knowing you took the shot. And I need more of that feeling.
Now during college I was apart of multiple extra curricular activities. I was a member of marching band, I competed on the school’s cycling team, and I was a member of the student newspaper. Here is where my love for photography was truly born. During my time working for the paper I covered a multitude of sporting events, which would eventually influence my desire to become a freelance photographer/journalist. However, in a post college world unfortunately, I would become burnt out due a variety of reasons, some of which were due to decisions I made and others which were forced upon me. But I’ve always felt that stripping down of one’s ego (the I am) is crucial in understanding what is actually important.
Falling back to the story of asking the cute girl out in my yoga class. We did go out on a “date” (at least I thought it was one). I don’t know where this journey will take me, so I’m going to play it cool and that is perfectly okay with me at this point in time. I for once completely took myself out of my comfort zone and relinquished full control to the universe. While I may not know what the outcome will ultimately will be, I’m taking the solace in the fact that I did something that I never thought I would be capable of doing. When I pulled the proverbial trigger and asked her out I instantly felt lighter (as if a part of me was suddenly gone). What this a momentary death of my ego or was this a bit of satori (悟り) at play? I partially believe it was the former as this lightness carried on for a few days. I’ve been learning to trust in the process and relinquish control in life to ultimately allow the waves to move me along. The more I fight these waves the more that I get pushed around and loose sight of the horizon. I used to think that living without premonition simply meant living without a card, simply just doing and now I believe it to be the opposite. From an intrinsic standpoint I highly care about the things I value and hold dear to me. Life has been telling me to rekindle these passions and everything else will fall into place. I also believe this to be true about desires as well. My sense of desire has been shifting towards one that values cherishing a moment or sharing a moment with others where it’s one that’s from a romantic perspective or platonic one.
When I look back at my story there is a common running theme: acceptance. Acceptance that I needed help with my mental health, acceptance of my attempt(s) at suicide, acceptance of my divorce, acceptance of my drinking problem, acceptance of my medical issues, acceptance of my neurodivergence, and above all the acceptance of myself. For me, acceptance has never been easy and has always been a slow process. But this is ok in my eyes as it shows that I’m growing and becoming one with myself. I greatly believe that most of this change wouldn’t have happened without my support group (IYKYK who you are) that I’ve surrounded myself with.
One night when I was driving home from work and a wave of nostalgia hit me like a tsunami. In that singular moment I travelled back in time and unlocked a core memory.
Now where I used to live in Floriduh was your typical concrete jungle where every square inch of land was developed or being earmarked to be flattened and paved over. I’ve always been someone who has been drawn to nature and being a good steward of our home.
On that fateful night, I saw something that I hadn’t seen in years (or at least from what I can recall) and it brought a comforting quietness to my mind. What I saw were fireflies dancing from the tall grasses at the entrance to my old apartment. When I was younger my mother and I would drive from Floriduh up to Maine to visit family. On the way back from Maine we would always stop in Pittsburgh to visit my great grandpap to spend a little time with my extended family. Now his house was on the on outside of town away from the light and noise pollution. I remember when we would visit during the summer we would always catch fireflies in his backyard and put them in mason jars to see the light up (don’t worry we would always let them go). This time however I didn’t want to rush out and catch them, but I felt the need to just sit and watch them dance through the night.
Nostalgia can easily be a gateway drug to living in the past, while forgetting about the present and future. In addition to living in the past, it can also make you chase a that high that never lasts that long. I think most of yearning for nostalgia is due to its perceived simplicity. The classic thought of “simpler times” or “lost youth” at the core of what nostalgia can stir within our emotional centers. Now I personally believe that there can be a trap in chasing nostalgia for that dopamine/serotonin rush that usually follows when these memories come flooding in.
Now I want to propose these questions. Is childlike wonderment actually enlightenment? Are we born enlightened only to fall victim to society’s pressures to have us fall in line to feed the machine? Is understanding nostalgia the key to recapturing this state of being and consciousness? Or more simply, is the understanding of nostalgia a gateway towards enlightenment (from a Zen Buddhist perspective, the instantaneous awakening)?
Let’s rewind back to my memory of catching fireflies in my great grandpap’s backyard. Yes life was simpler for me back then, I didn’t have to worry about paying my bills, making sure my laundry was done, that the house was cleaned, and the dishes were done. All I was worried about was enjoying the moment and catching these little bugs that glowed with a bright chartreuse green color. There was not a single thing that I was more concerned with other than this bug that magically lights up. And when I saw this magical green light again over twenty-five years later, I instantly forgot about the world around me and I began to smile. What started to well up inside me was a fondness for where I’ve been in life and where I’m going. If 10 year old Tony knew the Tony of today he would appreciate the work that I’ve been doing to recapture the magic from these memories.
I do want to make one caveat, I recognize that there are some life experiences may influence one’s fondness for their childhood. I know not everyone is fortunate enough to have a good upbringing and I was (and I hate to use this word) blessed with good parents who took great care of me. To some degree we all have some level of a burden that we carry due to trauma that may stain our childhood. Over time we can learn to shed this burden with acceptance and understanding that we are not defined by this trauma. Acceptance doesn’t happen overnight and it damn well shouldn’t be something that is taken lightly. But the key is going easy on yourself and not placing the blame on yourself for whatever trauma you face in life.
Now when I talk about enlightenment I’m mainly focusing on the general idea of awakening. However, I do personally feel that the idea that the relationship between nostalgia and enlightenment falls more into the Zen Buddhism ideas of kenshō (見性) and satori (悟り). I have also previously likened enlightenment to the ability to see your past, present, and future at the same moment in time. And here is where nostalgia plays a vital role in my personal philosophies.
Let’s circle back to the night that I had re-encountered the dancing fireflies. During this time my “dream job” had started to unravel in a manner I partially expected. I had been down in the dumps because what was once a “safe space” was morphing into one that was overly toxic and built on a foundation of false hopes. The instant I saw that memorable chartreuse green glow I was reminded of who I am and who I will always be. This instantaneous awakening (kenshō 見性) made me remember what is and what will always be important, being my true self and having fun.
What I was reminded of was to not take the world seriously. By that I mean enjoying my time by doing things that I love and being true to myself. Life has a beginning point and an end point, however we never know when we may cross that end point. I have seriously on more than one occasion flirted with my end point only to be pulled back into the realm of the living. On that fateful night the fireflies gave me a vision that shattered my reality and was replaced it with one that represents the true meaning of life: the enjoyment of the world around you.
Now I know one of the counterpoints will be that when we are younger we are ignorant to the world and struggles around us. And I do believe that yes, ignorance can be bliss; but what I am trying to get at is your overall awareness of what you are learning in this moment.
However the idea that I want to explore is the phenomenon that we call “nostalgia” and the emotions that it stirs. More recently in life I have been reinvigorated to recapture something I once saw about my self. I have been going over my notes and previously writings to work towards finishing this book. I will say that over the past year or so I have been working unconsciously to regain my spark. I feel as if someone had one open Plains Mana and one open Swamp Mana and countered me with Despark. My Plansewalker was suddenly board-wiped (DAMN YOU Orzhov Syndicate and your greedy want of power and control). Between 2022 and now the middle of 2024 I have been slowly breaking the shell that had built up.
What if I’m a lobster person because I’m from Maine? Was this a serious thought that came from my actual brain? Damn these gummies been hittin’. But oddly enough I think I’m on to something. Just like Leto II of House Atreides whom donned an armor of sand trout only to have his beef swelling spur on the reawakening of his humanity. I had previously been holding onto an idea that forced me into a mold. But now I see the the golden path forward. Bless the maker and his water….LISAN-AL-GIAB…. wait my eyes aren’t blue, just bloodshot.
During 2020 I had started on working on a life built around the idea of living without premonition. Some may call this prescience, some may call this a major diet of spice melange (or jazz cabbage), but my eyes are once again open. Now I did fall off this horse and fell right back into the trap of being consumed with my job. The more that I grasped for control the more my anxiety crept into play. Life was trying to tell me something but I didn’t want to listen, that was until I was reminded of what is important. These waves of nostalgia reminded me of where I’ve been and the joys that I’ve felt in the past. I was reminded that what is important is the moment that I’m currently experiencing.
Lately I’ve been taking my mediation practices more seriously and I recognized that during the most of 2021 I had been slowly loosing my humanity. I consumed my self with the thoughts of “I need this promotion and it’ll all be well” or “I know these promises will ring true one day” or the usual “I need xzy and it’ll all work out…” all while ignoring what life was trying to tell me. I knew that my “COVID job” was a dead end, I knew that I was being constantly lied to, I knew that I created my desires from a lack of serotonin/dopamine (of which I knew the causes were… my job). Slowly I morphed into a gear that turned in the machine that is our society. It wasn’t until I saw the fireflies that I was reminded of my humanity.
Since 2020 I have been working on one major change in my life that has been to seek a life filled with fulfillment rather than focusing on “happiness” and there has been times where I’ve lost my focus on this drive. And this hasn’t been the only time I’ve had these waves of nostalgia flow through me. During the summer of 2020, while I was amongst the clouds painting my back log of WarHammer models, this calm breeze overtook my mental space. This tremendous sense of appreciation welled up inside me from engaging in arguably my favorite hobby. This wave of nostalgia also reminded me that I need to nurture the spirit who is Tony and to never left go of what makes tick.
Recently with my current therapist, we’ve been working on ways for me to find the balance that I once had in life. With my fancy pants corporate job I had begun to loose a lot of my focus on what is important to me (honestly I think this goes for every job I’ve worked, minus the self employment I did temporarily). It was around Christmas time of 2023 when I made the conscious decision “to take the foot off the gas” at work as I had been stretching myself way to thin (as I always do in most cases). I made a holistic change in which I told myself I need to focus on my overall mental health and everything else would fall into place. For me at least exercise has been historically my primary means of taking care of both my mental health as well as my physical health. Back in my college days I used to enjoy powerlifting and cycling. And these days it’s still pretty much the same, except I’ve swapped powerlifting for power yoga. The one big conscious decision I had made in 2021 was to get back in shape and exercise more. One of the reasons why I had relocated from Tampa to Knoxville was due in large part to its mountain bike community as well as proximity to the Great Smoky Mountains. This singular conscious decision spurred on an entire swath of unconscious growth. 
A part of me is glad that this book has taken a little bit longer to complete as it’s given a lot of time to go back and re-read my work. The other night I was editing the chapter Transcend Humanity, I was suddenly walloped with what I would describe as a wave of nostalgia. When I originally wrote that chapter I discussed my takes on relationships and what changes I wanted to see in myself. Shortly after completing that chapter I took a hiatus from writing (due in large part to my job at the time… huh there is a bit of a running theme here) and began an unconscious journey of bettering myself. After I had re-read my rough draft I recognized the steps that I have made for myself. I wrote in that chapter, that before I could love another that I must first love myself. The Tony of 2021 is completely different than the Tony of 2024 as I have begun to love the person I’m becoming. I reflected for a few moments on what I had read and tears came to my eyes. These were happy tears, tears that confirmed that I had learned to let go and trust in the universe.
My relationship to the idea of nostalgia is one born from an affirmation of where I’ve been and where I’m going. This is due in large part to the work I’ve completed on bringing more acceptance into my life. However, if left unchecked chasing nostalgia can be a path towards the dark side.
The idea of nostalgia can be viewed as an attachment to the past in some lights. The key point in all of this is to not become attached to this emotion but rather develop an appreciation for the events in your life that have brought you to this point in time. Personally I’ve been working on incorporating more acceptance, compassion, and empathy in my day to day life. Acceptance of who I am and who I’m growing into, developing compassionate bonds and relationships with others, and expressing empathy where I can to help build others up in life. However much like any Jedi out there I too have flirted with the dark side on more than one occasion.
When I am emotionally vulnerable I have the ability to latch on to fleeting feelings. This is purely evident in my relationship back in 2019. I had received life changing information on top of finalizing a divorce which had put me in a very vulnerable position. I became attached to whatever outlet that provided me valuable validation and security. Now these sources were not kind to me, and if anything I was being taken advantage of due to my (now known) neurodivergence.
Since the beginning of 2024 I have been doing a lot of self retrospection, most of which has been as a result of my new therapist. At the first meeting with my new therapist I had mentioned that I had felt a little lost in life and unsure of what I saw for myself (most talking about my career) at this point in my life. I have had this long held desire to be creative in life (mainly through photography) but I’ve never really known how to achieve this dream. One of my favorite quotes from Star Wars has been one said by Qui Gon Jinn in the Phantom Menace: “Your focus determines your reality.” It wasn’t until recently that this teaching made sense to me.
For me at least when I look back at the times that I have felt nostalgic, it reinvigorates my youthful drive to indulge in activities that bring me joy. Yes as we age we grow older but who we are at our core never changes. I think the final thing that nostalgia can teach us is to always be true to who we are and if we lose sight of this path it’s still possible to get recapture that spark.
I think I understand what these waves are telling, but we will discuss that in a different chapter. The path towards enlightenment is a process that never quite ends.
This is chapter is intended to have background music to garner the full impact of the feeling that I’m portraying. Once the lyrics of this song start you may begin reading. Until then picture yourself walking in a place of serenity.
August 2021 marked the end of a major chapter in the epic that is my story. My longtime friend and boss had informed me that he had and opening in one of the stores that he was managing up in Tennessee. The store was located in the city that I’d had previously earmarked as an area that I wanted to move to as it was a city that supported both my medical needs as well as supported my desire to move to a mountain biking community. One quick mention prior to this offer, I had been trying to move up the corporate ladder to hopefully land a position working within the home office as a part of the marketing staff. Over the past year HR kept telling me that in order to work in the home office I would need to be located within the East Tennessee area since that is their main recruiting pool and that positions “were coming” now that additional funding had been secured. Back to the offer at hand. After I had gotten off of the phone with my friend that I needed 24 hours to think it over since this was a major change and I needed to reach out to a few people first. I will tell you that I had some major anxiety (or maybe it was excitement) that day that was boiling up on whether or not I was making the right decisions (spoiler alert, I ultimately made the right decision for a plethora of reasons). After my primary Cystic Fibrosis doctor signed off on the move, I looked over to Rei and said “Fuck it, we are moving to Tennessee.” Rei looked back at me confused as she normally does and proceeded to bark at me for a treat.
Up until this point I had been preoccupied with living without premonition. But what does this actually mean? Does it mean that you “just live going through the motions” or does it mean you do what you feel is right in that moment? Is it passive or is it active? At this point in my journey I feel that it is a combination of both of these ideas. The more we fight against the natural waves of life the more we invite in anxiety as that natural waves becomes internalized via our inability to think and make decisions. On the flip side lately I’ve come to the conclusion that you do need to stick your neck out every once and a while because if you don’t you’ll still be stuck in the same patterns day after day. As someone with their own neurodivergent needs, (autism) I will naturally resist a lot of change but over time I’ve learned that life does require some level of change to grow with the world around you.
One major lesson that I have been learning over the past few years is to trust my gut instinct. If something feels off then it’s a no go or proceed with caution , if it feels right but is uncomfortable then dive in feet first, if it feels right and is exciting then dive in head first. I can attribute my own growth and awareness to these simple ideas, from chatting up the cute girl I have a crush on to making career choices for the betterment of myself. I tout that my ability to listen to others is one of my greatest strengths (I swear I’m listening even though I’m not looking you in the eyes) and I at times failed to listen to myself which lead to certain life choices/experiences. The therapy that I’ve been through is rooted in the idea of listening to yourself and making adjustments as necessary.
When it comes for major life changes or really anything in general I used to list all the pros and cons of each and every decision I wanted to make. This practice was overly complicated and always led to me never changing course and remaining on the status quo. Now I have flipped an internal switch and only focus on the pros of these changes. Why might you ask? Because there will always be a way to mitigate a con with a little bit of change in perception. Whenever we bring up any kind of negative emotion we will undoubtedly focus on that idea while completely missing out on real meaning of that situation/change.
At this time I am not the same person I was down in Floriduh. I am something better, I am elevated. I will never go back to the person I was. I felt trapped in Tampa, but now I’m free. So here we have it from the concrete jungle and buildings of Tampa to the Great Smoky Mountains of East Tennessee.
I was figuratively suffocating in Tampa and I didn’t feel connected to the world around me, due in part to the amount of negative experiences that I had unfortunately had while living in the city. Don’t get me wrong I am thankful for everything that has happened to all of my life experiences both positive and negative as they have help craft me into the person I am today. But I will say that when I was making plans for my move a weight was lifted off my shoulders as if I were shedding a portion of myself that needed to be left behind.
It’s a mad world, but I’m making the best of it. Right now I squarely view my current job as a means to an end. I’m back again in the corporate world but at least this time I’ve got my hand on the reins and can steer my own course (to some degree). Personally I believe that my mental maturity has more or less shown me what is important these days. What I mean by this is that I hold my non-work activities (yoga, Magic the Gathering, mountain biking, my physical and mental health, and my other hobbies) to a much higher standard as well as making them the number one priority in my life. At the end of the day when it comes to my job I’m just a number in a seat behind a desk, no more no less. Now I will say that my job does afford me some positive energy/value with the clients that I help day in and day out. There is a tremendous amount of doom and gloom out in the world today, some of which is artificially manufactured and some of which is based solely on perception. I am fully aware that are marginalized portions of our population that do not receive opportunities that I may receive. This is where one of my favorite quotes comes into play: “a rising tide lifts all boats.” Here is where we can do better as a society to help out our neighbors and to truly make the world a better place to live. I’m not saying that we have to immediately go out and start trying to solve all of the major issues that plague this world, what I would like everyone to do is start out small. You would be amazed on the impact that simply smiling back at someone can do for their spirit. Spread a little empathy around and let someone know that they aren’t alone and that they matter. This is all that it will take to get the needle moving in the right direction.
At the end of the day you as the individual are the only person who can control your sense of happiness/fulfillment/value or whatever sense of being you want to choose. I know that in the surface this is a very cliché and unoriginal thought but at the end of the day it is really true. Because I’m always lost in my train of thoughts, I tend to always look inwards and try to understand why I do the things that I do. Since 2020 I’ve developed a very keen self awareness (sometimes aided by my good friend Mary Jane or during meditation at yoga or better yet meditating while amongst the clouds) that has allowed me to better understand what truly makes me, me. I still have my dark days like we all experience, but lately it’s been more bright and sunny days even when it’s raining outside.
Yes being stuck in a mold absolutely sucks, but it is possible to break free from its confines. The more that I shifted my perspective from the monotony of the “daily grind” to one where I see myself, the more my vision opened up. What I mean is that I am being true to the being that Tony is and will continue to be regardless of the situation. I’ve got my swagger back for a lack of a better analogy. I feel that a part of the mold that we find ourselves in comes from an unconscious insecurity in which we hide from the person who we want to be in order to fall in line with societal expectations. I know for some the task of trying to change your living situation may seem like a daunting task but small steps along the way can still carry you a long distance. Once again it appears as if perception is the key factor in determining what we should focusing our energy towards. I don’t want to discredit your own struggles but I want to empower you to look at them with a different lens. When there is this shift in perception we can look at things in the third person and will give us the perspective that we need to see. From this perspective we can see the places where can grow and follow the journey ahead.
Much like mountain biking, you need to let off on the brakes to smooth out the trail that we are cruising down. Now I’m not saying every night needs to be a no hold full tilt bender, but sometimes you need to relinquish control and just ride life’s waves. It seems a little counterintuitive in order to smooth things that you need to let go of your control and complete a bit of a trust fall. In the case of mountain biking it makes sense that in order to smooth out a rocky trail that the less time you spend on the brakes the smoother the trail will become. You will be effectively “skipping” or the rocks allowing the suspension of the bike to absorb the undulations, the tires will be able grip the surface allowing you rail the next berm. Now with the mountain bike example we have physics on our side, however when transform this idea in to our be that looks our mental health these concepts will play out in a similar way. We’ve talked about this in other chapters that when we fight the natural waves of life this energy is transferred into us and will manifest as anxiety.
Case in point my struggles to ask the cute girl out in my yoga class. I’ve been constantly waiting for the perfect moment but failing at recognizing that a moment in life will never be one hundred percent perfect. I’ve got a ton of people in my corner cheering me on and providing me encouragement to just flat out put myself out there and embrace the perfectly imperfect moment. But here I sit still in my head fighting my natural tendencies to maintain control while trying to grow as a human.
And the kicker to this is I know what I must do and I have the ability to make this step but I hold myself back because of some unconscious protection from being “hurt.” The thing is I’d rather live a life of no regrets rather than filled with missed chances because of random idea that I may be hurt again.
At the end of the day we don’t get out of life alive. We will all meet our end at some point in time, and I’ve had brushes with mine in the past. So you’d think it would come natural to me to pursue a life worth living but that always hasn’t been the case. Every day is a new day to prove to yourself you can accomplish anything if you are willing to put in the work. I took the majority of time between 2020 and 2024 to learn to love myself and discover what I truly want out of my life. I will tell you that I’ve gotten better at relinquishing control and allowing the waves to carry me along this journey. I’ve been working on accepting the perfectly imperfect moments in life and just living.
So live like you are dying, because at the end of the day we will not be here anymore.
I’m not sure if this the ‘tism or self-confidence issue or just plain ole social anxiety, but I really hold myself back in social situations. Personally I don’t believe it’s due to a lack of self-confidence as I’m very secure in my own skin and my own identity. At work you’ll see me in hot pink dress pants or wearing my kilt as a form of self expression. I bring this up because there is this cute girl at the yoga class that I routinely go to that I’ve been talking to and getting to know better. Come to find out that we have some interests in common and the conversations come pretty naturally (at least I perceive them to be with my kinda normalish levels of stuttering). Awhile back we somehow got on the topic of woodworking and I mentioned that I normally wax my wood off to completion as I like the finish. What I meant to say is that I rub my wood down with bees wax. Wait let me try this again, I mentioned that I use wax on my projects due to the simple nature of the finish and ease of maintenance. I told her about the store I buy my supplies from hosts various classes to learn new skills and she seemed interested in the classes.
Fast forward to April of 2024 and I get the harebrained idea to try and ask her to one of the classes to play with my wood, I mean play with wood, wait I mean make something out of wood. A portion of this harebrained idea was to motivate myself back into creativity and focus on my mental health. I know most of my mental health struggles come from a lack of participating in my outlets (writing, painting, gardening, exercising, model building, and playing card games) and this usually occurs when the alleged “work/life balance” swings more so towards work. For me at least, I relate work/life balance on the amount of mental capacity that I need to give up to accommodate my tasks as work. At this time I work a regular corporate bank job with a primary focus on sales. With my new therapist we’ve been working on incorporating what is known as the “spoon theory” into my daily routine and mental space. Spoon theory is best described as looking at your entire mental capacity as a handful of physical spoons. It was first coined by an individual who has chronic health issues and how taxing mental health is on their day to day lives. The idea is that you only have so many spoons to use throughout the day and one a spoon has been used it’s no longer available. There are days in which I’m a bit more chirpy than others and it’s usually because I didn’t have to expel that much energy at work. And there are days in which I shamble along because I’m mentally taxed and have no more bandwidth left inside me.
I want to explain this little tangent and how it relates to the story at hand. When it comes to my special interests (mountain bikes, cooking, music, and Star Wars) regardless of my headspace I instantly will perk right up if someone wants to talk about one of them. Case in point with the girl from yoga asked me to explain from a culinary perspective why pineapple on pizza works well. I then proceeded to fully unmask and let the ‘tism fly free. For me personally I tend to always keep my mask on as a defense mechanism (and I’m highly certain this is the case for most if not all autistics out there) because subconsciously I think that I must mask to hide my social ability shortcomings and to fit into society’s expectations.
The main issue that I grapple with is how I overly complicate and over think situations when it isn’t black and white. To me at least relationships are organic in nature and are living breathing entities that which have two human beings intertwined at the center of it all. This is where I think my ‘tism is kicking in this “situation”. On one hand I want to ask her out but on the other I don’t want to “loose” a possible friendship/connection and come out of it looking like an idiot who misread the room (something that I do quite frequently might I add). I do recognize that I am subconsciously fighting the natural variability of life but I also recognize that I do lack some perception due to neurological divergence from a “typical” individual. I’m not hiding behind a disability but I recognize that my disability can hinder at times but on the flip side sometimes these skills can be learned over time. I know that I can learn these skills but I need to ultimately to try and put myself in these “uncomfortable” situations. The thing about me is that I have a hard time working and thinking in the gray areas.
Looking back at the past I always tended to avoid “uncomfortable” social situations/interactions which meant I often became a wallflower. This thing is I want to change but the reality is I really don’t know how to change. Everyone around me has been encouraging me to take that leap of faith but the devil on my shoulder tells me otherwise.
I know we shouldn’t change who we are at an intrinsic level, but maybe we need to look at a change of vocabulary for this idea. I see the value in growing in who I am, and exploring the world around me from a philosophical and social perspective. I know that I have the ability to learn new ways and when I look at everything from the third person point of view I can see the growth I’ve made thus far. We also need to redefine what change represents in order to tie the idea back into our updated vocabulary. Change is and will continue to be a normal event that will happen in everyday life situations.
There are three constants in life: death, taxes, and change. When I look back over the past handful of years I recognize the personal growth that was very been cultivating which has resulted in change in a positive light. Personal growth and development begets the change that we want to see and allows us to mature into the individual whom lies at the center of our being. So when we approach the concept of change from one that is defined as complete shift of who we are to a definition that is centered around growing as an individual we completely bring a new light and purpose to this unavoidable constant in life.
Now back to my story at hand. Because of my normal tendency to shield myself from uncomfortable social situations, I grew to become a bit of a wallflower. Now I wouldn’t say that I’m entirely a recluse from the world around me as I do engage in social interactions in my “safe spaces” (yoga, Magic the Gathering nights, WarHammer, mountain biking). Also I’m perfectly ok with sharing my vulnerable side as a means to share empathy and normalize the pain that others may be going through themselves. But to me asking someone out is an entirely new vulnerability that I do not have much experience in dealing with or even sharing. This is the root of my conundrum. The ‘tism is trying to shield me from experiencing discomfort while prioritizing status quo. I firmly believe that the other part of this equation is a general avoidance of getting close to people. Don’t get me wrong I have friends but I don’t hang out with them on the weekends, I tend to do things alone, and I really don’t reach out to people. Apart of this I believe stems from the issues I dealt with back in 2019 with a toxic relationship and downward spiral I found myself falling through. I know that this is all in my head as my friends at the yoga studio have told me otherwise and we do hang out after class to shoot the shit or eat dinner together. I am very thankful for the group of friends I’ve made at yoga as it’s been instrumental in removing a bit of my shell over time.
Here is the thing the night can be bright with all the stars and moon shining. And change can just be that, a light to brighten up something that was once dark. Personally for me change is something that I struggle to accept and usually I have to force myself to make the necessary adjustments. But I know I can do better for myself and I do unconsciously make small steps in developing my personal growth and allowing more change to happen. I will say that I see my biggest steps when I am able to fully unmask around others and let my true self shine that change happens quicker. I believe this is due in part to the idea that the energy that I put out gets returned by these individuals whom I’m interacting with as they accept me. For me at least the hurdle that I am working with is to give change a chance and allow for a little more personal growth to happen.
Once again when we take a step back from life we can see that just with a little change in perspective we can see the bigger picture at hand.
Musing 