5 Years

60 Months

1826 Days

43,830 Hours

2,629,800 Minutes

157,680,000 Seconds

January 11, 2025 marked the 5th year in my sobriety journey. And when I look back over the past 5 years it’s amazing to see the person who I’ve grown to love, me. I will make one clarification is that I’m “California” Sober (IYKYK) but my relationship with this lifestyle is much more responsible. The biggest idea that I have learned during this journey, is the power of acceptance. I accept my faults, my strengths, my weaknesses, my imperfections, and above all myself. Sober Tony is free and has made peace with his daemons. Sober Tony is fully in control but also at the same time has relinquished control. Sober Tony understands what is truly important and where to expel his energies.

This metamorphosis didn’t come quick, but that is the point of growing and learning. We have to learn to crawl before we can learn to walk. We also have to learn to walk before we learn to run. There are precipices that we must first reach before we can reach the mountain tops. Life is a journey and above all it’s one that the goal is to learn about your place in the cosmos. I’ve experienced the stripping of my ego, the destruction of whom I was, the rebirth of who I am, and the revitalization of whom I’m destined to be. I am my decisions. I am my faults. I am my imperfections. I am my struggles. I am worth the love I give. I am worth the love I receive. I am who I am and will always be.

I will say that I have come to learn that this level of acceptance, apparently birthed a sense of genuineness (at least what I interpret this feeling/emotion as). The other night I did something that I thought I would never do on the face of this earth. I believed in me. I allowed my mask to fade. I struck fire to the wind. I ran with the moment.

Me and my stupid stims. I must have looked ridiculous beep-bopping away eating pizza in my Stetson, that night. Oh real quick I need to set the stage real quick. Lately I’ve developed a bit of a Friday night ritual. Pizza is one of my comfort foods. And I will only go to one place for pizza. Recently I’ve grown quite fond of a Stetson straw hat that I had originally bought “as a joke” (what kind of idiot spends that kinda coin on a joke?). Recently a pair of Tecovas ended up on my feet, and because it was Valentine’s day a red and black flannel shirt, I shit you not I looked like I was pulled off a package of Brawny paper towels. Oh and my denim jeans and jacket match. And let’s not forget that my beard has some length (and now unfortunately gray hairs starting to appear). My renaissance apparently gave rise to an Outlaw Country phase with a dash of lingering emo. I will say that the combination of clothes I was wearing is one of my “power outfits (shit that makes me feel good).” Music is one of my “safe spaces” and usually when there is music being played that I like, I’ll start to head bob to the beat and dance in my seat. (you know feeling the moment). I will tell you that I was feeling myself that night (well not physically but mentally). This was another encounter with putting myself out there and seeing what the universe will provide. I’m amazed at how cool like a cucumber I felt and boy did I let the ’tism run free that night. A little more background on this fateful night, is that there is this super cute girl I’ve been making small talk with at my favorite pizza joint. I know it super cliche, on this night of all nights, but let’s make a move and take that first step. I noticed the plant stickers on her water bottle and figured her thing had to be houseplants and boom all the ’tism spills out (and I’m pretty sure from both sides from a previous comment she made). Time slowed down, the distractions faded, and a moment was created. If I was the Grinch, instead of my heart growing 3 sizes, my confidence skyrocketed. Whatever comes of this moment is yet to be seen, but for once I believed in myself. So yeah, I guess can do this, just be present in the moment.

I got to this moment in time because I have made peace with myself. I have not felt this light in years both mentally and spiritually. I have lit a fire within myself to continue to grow. I am thankful for my journey of sobriety as it has given me time back (metaphorically speaking). More than ever I am who I am and there is no changing that simple fact. Now this state of being isn’t some sort of Ronco Rotisserie and BBQ “Set it and Forget it” mentality but something that requires continual work.

I used to booze as a means to drown out the emotional side of me (and let’s be real most of us did/do this, we all want to forget). Human beings are meant to be emotional beings and this is okay. I will always stay that I do have a fair bit mental awareness due to being in therapy for so long. Now my original reason for going to therapy was to gain an understanding of my issues with depression as it had been starting to affect my days. I was still drinking what I would consider “heavy” for the first few years of therapy. This did escalate a few times to driving under the influence more than a few times. There was a short stretch in 2019 where I had stopped drinking, due wanting to respecting another’s sobriety while I was around them. During my first run with sobriety, my therapist at the time asked me if I missed it. I remember saying that I really don’t miss it at all, that was until I fell off of the horse for the first and only time. This was around the time when I was considering my first career change. I went out for the usual wings and beers/drinks with one of my old coworkers. I remember after my first drink (and only drink of that night) I had suddenly felt a touch off. That next morning I awoke with that same feeling and I swore to myself that this would be the last drink that I have. I have continued this determination since that very day.

I was using beer bottles to bottle my emotions instead of learning to live with them. I was more focused on destruction rather than understanding. I was trying to bottle up me, I was drinking because I hated who I was becoming. These past 5 years has been about healing and being ok with the fact I will have my down days and up days. I’ve been trying to work with the current instead of trying to fight the battering ram like waves. This is like trying to fight a rip current head on instead of trying to work with the current. You will expel much more energy trying to fight the current, instead of working with the current to carry you with its momentum. There is no real reason that we should be spending energy trying to tread water in the current, when the end result would be drowning. I want to allow the current to provide me with the momentum I need to accomplish my goals.

As you know maybes turn in to nevers.

I know I’ve said this before but I will say it again, time is the most precious commodity that you possess. I’ve been listing to Stephen Wilson Jr’s album, Son of Dad (deluxe) quite frequently over the past few weeks. One of my standout songs is the acoustic recording of the song: kid. To me this song represents a metaphysical timer, however it counts down instead of up. We’ve also talked about nostalgia can lead to fleeting feelings and being more concerned with preserving the past, rather than facing the future. What I’ve been more so trying to recapture is more so my confidence, specifically leaving the mask off. It’s so tiring trying to maintain this stupid thing, because I feel as if I must conform to some unwritten standards. I’ve been slowly indulging into things that brings me joy. Whether that’s painting my nails black or rocking chinos, my Stetson, and checkerboard Vans. I’ve got one life to live, so why not spend this valuable time doing things that are to me? I drank to numb myself to a reality that I felt that I had no escape from, also to try and understand a world in which it’s tough to navigate as an undiagnosed neurodivergent at the time. The more that I am me, the more relaxed I become, and the more relaxed I become, the more in the moment I am present. And this absolutely goes both ways. There are times when I feel down about myself, I can feel other’s confidence become infectious and lift my spirits up.

We are going to die regardless, so why not try and live a little. I am way too preoccupied with thinking about what other people are thinking about me. I am only responsible for one person and one person alone, me. When I take the time to make myself the priority, I do see connections start to form. A simple smile can literally be infectious, like the clap (hahaha, double entente). We all have dreams that we want to accomplish, however we always push them off to tomorrow, and then it proceeds to tomorrow’s tomorrow. Well I’m here to tell you that tomorrow’s, tomorrow’s tomorrow never comes. Time is finite, as we are as well.

There is one major part of this journey that can be tough to find at times and that is a good support system. Paramount to my success has been lately two of my friend groups, my yoga community, and The Brain Trust. My friends at yoga have become more of a quasi family at times and The Brain Trust helps me stay rooted and reminds me to smile. The people who you keep in your life are instrumental in being the bedrock that skyscrapers are built on. Remember the kanji for human is:　人. This character is formed by two parabolic lines intersecting at the top and becoming one. We all support each other at the end of the day and its okay to lean on the shoulders in times of need. We can all support the weight together so we all can get through our struggles.

Time didn’t give up on me, and neither did I. And all that I can do is try and that is all that matters at the end of the day. Just give everyday your best.