“If you feel it, chase it” – Kate (Twisters, 2024)

I’m not getting any younger and I realized that I haven’t been living for quite some time. It’s time to seriously put an effort into changing this recent discovery. I have been “aware” of this idea for quite some time, but I kept looking down instead of looking forward.

You would think with me nearly being struck by lightning at least 5 different times, I would be more gung-ho on getting out and living it up, but that hasn’t been the case. If I was a cat, I’d only have 2 of my 9 lives left. I’ve had 2 run-ins with attempts at suicide, and the 5 run-ins with lightning (not counting the numerous near crashes mountains biking). Oh and I just remembered that I’ve nearly been hit by a semi truck back in college when I was on a training ride for the cycling team. So with a quick recount that’s 8 of my 9 lives tallied. So yea let’s make some changes, because at the end of the road we don’t make it out alive and I want to make the most out of the time that I still have remaining.

Recently I’ve made some personal headway on thinking less and doing more. I’ve accepted the idea that the perfectly imperfect moment is actually the perfect moment I’ve been waiting for to happen. Life should never be sterile and it’s time to put what I’ve been learning into practice.

I’m not living on dead end roads no more, instead I’m going to chase the wind and keep it on my back. This maybe a little morbid, but at the end of the day I’ve got 2 degenerative diseases, one of which has started to really started to rear its ugly head and the other is a constant reminder of my limitations. I know I have a ticking clock following every step I take. Here is the kicker I’ve made multiple leaps of faith over the past 4 years which show that I know how to live, but I had lost sight of the bigger picture.

I know that one of the goals of Zen Buddhism is to be without desire, but I’ve trained mine to seek out experiences and compassion with others. Growing up my dad would always put in extra effort when wrapping presents as he would always say “it’s about the experience.” And this will always ring true to me. This simple quote drives my quest to share in experiences with others. I wholeheartedly believe that the true origin of action is compassion.

Buddhism is wholly concerned with removing suffering from the individual. Some say we suffer because we desire, others say we suffer because we fight the variability of life, and most will say that we live in a society that turns humans into gears to fit within the machine. I believe all these ideas are correct in one form or another as I’ve experienced some form of “suffering” in all of these examples. But here is the thing, I believe that we must suffer in order us to truly appreciate the work that goes into taming our tornadoes (yeah that was a deliberate pun). Let’s look at the idea of suffering caused by unchecked desires.

I know that I have let my desires run rampant in the past, and even though correlation does not mean causation, there can be some connection. In the past my desires were corrupted by the world around me. I desired promotions at previous jobs as a means to justify the mental suffering I was dealing with instead of trying better my situation. I’ve desired relationships as a means to rid myself of feeling alone, only to suffer the loss of my confidence and love for myself. These are just a couple of examples that I can quickly recall when I let my desires get the better of me. I can’t fault myself for letting that happen, as I am human.

Day in and day out we are pelted by 24 hour news networks that like to prey on insecurities and create a virtual “boogeyman” that we must fear. On top of all this we have the mistake of all mistakes: social media and the damage that it has caused throughout the years. And we can’t forget “reality tv” role in unchecked desires. In a post COVID world the disease known as “social media influencers” has increased 10 fold with everyone trying to make the next “trendy” item. These overt distractions create within us a false sense of desire in order to sell us something we don’t need.

Now, in the present I still have desires but I have morphed them into aspirations. I aspire to share my art with the world, I aspire one day to experience the world with another, I aspire to help change the world one person at a time, and I aspire to continue to be true to myself. These newfound desires all stem from compassion and empathy that I feel is lacking in today’s world. There is tremendous amounts of suffering around the world, and compassion and empathy will slowly help wear it away.

When it comes to my own mental health, I’ve come to realize that it’s really a self-reflective process. Back in 2020 I saw the beginnings of what changes that I needed to make (and to my credit I did make some changes) to ensure that I was living a fulfilling life. Now due to my then undiagnosed autism, change was something that was always tough for me to digest. I constantly marry myself to my jobs even though the writing is on the fall that I need to make changes. Take my current job for example, I keep telling myself that I only have this job for the medical benefits and to “just deal” with the stress. But to be honest, I’m just tired at this point. It has become abundantly clear to me that I must put my own mental health and physical wellbeing because at the end of the day I’m the only person responsible for these necessities.

However I’m not 100% sure if I’m able to make the changes that I need to make at this time, but I’m going to give it hell. My renaissance has brought back my focus. While my 9-5 job is wearing me down, every time I write or pick up my camera my qi (気) is suddenly refilled and my worries temporarily leave until the next 9-5 day. Come hell or high water I will see this path til the end. This may cause me to burn out a little more frequently, but I doing this for me and me alone. There is another reason for this drive. Both my friends and I noticed that I will unmask around others and I appear to be a different person when I have a camera in my hands. I know this is because photography has always been one of my hyper focuses (Star Wars, mountain biking, and music being the others).

What I’m calling my renaissance period feels completely different from when I was first planning on a freelance photography career. This reawakening feels much more lighter. I’ve mentioned this concept in previous chapters but I haven’t really expanded up this bit of philosophy. Kenshō (見性) is the instantaneous awakening (think of like an “aha” moment) and whereas Satori (悟り) is more so the understanding of this “aha” moment and the ability to continuously express this level of comprehension on a daily basis. Lately I’ve been having more of these “aha” moments but they come with space between them. And for full transparency I’ve been having the same “aha” moment for the past few months. But this time around this moment has dug its roots deeper. Whenever I have this “aha” moment a wave of calming energy flows over me and truly brings life into focus. I feel that I have been learning to listen to the melody that has been playing inside me all this time. I don’t possess all the keys at this point in time but that is ok, life is a learning process.

I’m just tired of driving down dead end roads only to disappoint myself when I know that I must follow the path less traveled. Moving forward I will chance the winds of change.