I’ve really never considered myself to be a religious person, but lately I’ve been diving back into the practice of Zen Buddhism. Back during the dark days of COVID my nightly ritual was to invite my friend Mary Jane back to my place to have our esoteric conversations about life and our place in the universe. Unfortunately I had strayed away from these conversations and found myself trying to escape reality instead of continuing the work on myself. I believe that this was due to perceived pressures from a society that values the wrong ideals and my attempts to rationalize these outside forces. The summer of 2024 has shown me a path that has brought back into focus what is truly important to me.

Wabi-Sabi (侘び寂び), not to be confused with wasabi (even though your boi loves spicy stuff), is a Japanese philosophy of embracing the perfectly imperfect. We are always in a state of change and growth as this is a core trait of being a human. It’s only when we fight this state of change, is when that pesky mosquito, known as anxiety, rears its ugly buzz in your ears. When I look back at the last four years (2020-24) I feel that I have finally begun to grow into the person I saw deep down in my consciousness.

Recently I have ventured back into a creative passion that truly brings joy to me and represents my place of Zen. Photography represents a part of me that wants to share my creations with the world around me. Just before COVID-19 graced the world with its presence I was gearing up to become a full time freelance photographer specializing mainly in sports and motorsports coverage. But due to this global pandemic I grew cold feet and changed course on my self employment. I often wondered what could have been, if I had stayed true to my calling, but once again I wouldn’t change any step along the way. The path I ultimately chose led me to this place in time, in which I have made more lasting connections with both myself and others around me.

One night while talking with Mary Jane, I saw a vision that brought tears to my eyes. This is what I saw, the rebirth of my true self. Recently with the help of some of my friends I’ve rediscovered my passion for art and being my true self.

Now the path that I chose has never been perfect, I’ve made missteps along the way and conversely I’ve made the right steps as well. Life should never be perfect as to as me it would appear that you are living a lie. Imperfections are not ugly, but rather they are character marks of where we have been and the trials that we have faced. Our society (moreover social media/internet/“reality” tv) makes us believe that we are all striving for the “American Dream” but in reality the picture that is painted is overly sterilized. Yes the idea of homeownership, a loving family, and life of stress-free living are things worth working towards, but these at the end of the day not everyone will have the same access to reach these goals. I am very fortunate to have the friends and family that I have in my corner as they are all crucial in helping me accomplish what I have done this far in my life. They have helped pick me up when I’ve stumbled and I am there when they need help along the way as well. What I’m trying to get at is when come across one of our “imperfections” is that it is okay to ask for help to help pick you up when you need it most. When I have a rough day whether it’s because of something from work, or a photo didn’t come out as I had expected, or because someone took advantage of my vulnerabilities, it makes me that much more appreciative of my good days. I don’t sulk as long as I used to as my time in therapy has given me the tools to work through these days to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

We all have our mountains that we have set out to climb, whether it’s discovering whom we want to become, a personal goal that been on our minds for years, or even simply getting out of bed to face the day. The height of our climbs doesn’t matter, what matters is that we are climbing one step at a time. And remember it’s ok to make a misstep along the way and your path will never be perfect. Yes, at times the stars will align and things will fall into place, but sometimes you need to make do with the cards you’ve been dealt and make the best of the situation. I’m historically a person who only waited until the stars aligned to do anything, because I craved an impossibly high level of control. My story of asking my crush out is evidence of this, until one day I was frustrated with myself with my inability to simply ask a simple question. That fateful night, I threw caution to the wind and made an imperfect moment the perfect moment. I stumbled over my words, had no real plan, and holy shit it actually worked.

I’m ready for my renaissance.

Lately I’ve been getting back in tune with my inner being. I want to share a little story about my name. I was named after my parent’s fathers. My mother’s father was a painter and my dad’s father was a funny enough a photographer. I still remember one of the first careers that I saw for myself when I was younger was to be an automotive designer. I’ve always have been drawn towards creative outlets, whether it was photography, painting models, or playing my trumpet. For the longest time I wanted to get back into photography but I just couldn’t get over the strange anxiety I would develop anytime I would pick up my digital camera. Maybe it’s because I hold myself to some stupid high pedestal that I must create perfect art rather simply capturing a moment. Sometimes we have to get back to our roots to really appreciate where we are growing. What is a better way to work through accepting imperfections, other than jumping in a medium in which there is no instant satisfaction whosever other than the sound of a shutter opening and than closing? That’s right it’s time to go analog and rekindle the light within this passion.

Film as a medium in photography is one that is filled with “desired” imperfections, from the grain of the film, to the slight muted colors in some film stocks, to the halations that are created with bright sources of light. When it comes to the idea of Wabi-Sabi, film photography perfectly encapsulates this philosophy. I seek out these imperfections in my photographs as it breaths life into these moments captured in time. I was drawn back into photography mainly because when working with film it’s not a complete “sterile” experience. You have to use vintage equipment from a time when things were handmade and there will be slight manufacturing differences. One of the lenses that I picked up for my first major project (Poor Financial Decisions Racing) it notorious for having chromatic abbreviations (color shifts in a photo in areas of high contrast), but what do you expect from a lens made in the 1970s? These imperfections, as some may see it, but to me they are essential in capturing the essence of the story I’m telling.

I truly believe that removing the instant satisfaction out of the equation was the piece that I was missing. When I back in college I would rarely “chimp” (looking at the playback screen on the back of the camera after every shot) when I was shooting as I was confident in my skills and I was proficient at nailing the moment. However as my confidence was stripped from me in a variety of ways the more my self-confidence started to waiver and the more I was disappointed in the work I was producing. Fast forward to today I have been unconsciously rebuilding my self-confidence in other means my embracing my identity and seemingly regained my swagger of sorts. This is where the allure of a project of film only photography comes into play. Film has no real instant satisfaction other than knowing you took the shot. And I need more of that feeling.

Now during college I was apart of multiple extra curricular activities. I was a member of marching band, I competed on the school’s cycling team, and I was a member of the student newspaper. Here is where my love for photography was truly born. During my time working for the paper I covered a multitude of sporting events, which would eventually influence my desire to become a freelance photographer/journalist. However, in a post college world unfortunately, I would become burnt out due a variety of reasons, some of which were due to decisions I made and others which were forced upon me. But I’ve always felt that stripping down of one’s ego (the I am) is crucial in understanding what is actually important.

Falling back to the story of asking the cute girl out in my yoga class. We did go out on a “date” (at least I thought it was one). I don’t know where this journey will take me, so I’m going to play it cool and that is perfectly okay with me at this point in time. I for once completely took myself out of my comfort zone and relinquished full control to the universe. While I may not know what the outcome will ultimately will be, I’m taking the solace in the fact that I did something that I never thought I would be capable of doing. When I pulled the proverbial trigger and asked her out I instantly felt lighter (as if a part of me was suddenly gone). What this a momentary death of my ego or was this a bit of satori (悟り) at play? I partially believe it was the former as this lightness carried on for a few days. I’ve been learning to trust in the process and relinquish control in life to ultimately allow the waves to move me along. The more I fight these waves the more that I get pushed around and loose sight of the horizon. I used to think that living without premonition simply meant living without a card, simply just doing and now I believe it to be the opposite. From an intrinsic standpoint I highly care about the things I value and hold dear to me. Life has been telling me to rekindle these passions and everything else will fall into place. I also believe this to be true about desires as well. My sense of desire has been shifting towards one that values cherishing a moment or sharing a moment with others where it’s one that’s from a romantic perspective or platonic one.

When I look back at my story there is a common running theme: acceptance. Acceptance that I needed help with my mental health, acceptance of my attempt(s) at suicide, acceptance of my divorce, acceptance of my drinking problem, acceptance of my medical issues, acceptance of my neurodivergence, and above all the acceptance of myself. For me, acceptance has never been easy and has always been a slow process. But this is ok in my eyes as it shows that I’m growing and becoming one with myself. I greatly believe that most of this change wouldn’t have happened without my support group (IYKYK who you are) that I’ve surrounded myself with.

Above all I’m ready to grow.