One night when I was driving home from work and a wave of nostalgia hit me like a tsunami. In that singular moment I travelled back in time and unlocked a core memory.

Now where I used to live in Floriduh was your typical concrete jungle where every square inch of land was developed or being earmarked to be flattened and paved over. I’ve always been someone who has been drawn to nature and being a good steward of our home.

On that fateful night, I saw something that I hadn’t seen in years (or at least from what I can recall) and it brought a comforting quietness to my mind. What I saw were fireflies dancing from the tall grasses at the entrance to my old apartment. When I was younger my mother and I would drive from Floriduh up to Maine to visit family. On the way back from Maine we would always stop in Pittsburgh to visit my great grandpap to spend a little time with my extended family. Now his house was on the on outside of town away from the light and noise pollution. I remember when we would visit during the summer we would always catch fireflies in his backyard and put them in mason jars to see the light up (don’t worry we would always let them go). This time however I didn’t want to rush out and catch them, but I felt the need to just sit and watch them dance through the night.

Nostalgia can easily be a gateway drug to living in the past, while forgetting about the present and future. In addition to living in the past, it can also make you chase a that high that never lasts that long. I think most of yearning for nostalgia is due to its perceived simplicity. The classic thought of “simpler times” or “lost youth” at the core of what nostalgia can stir within our emotional centers. Now I personally believe that there can be a trap in chasing nostalgia for that dopamine/serotonin rush that usually follows when these memories come flooding in.

Now I want to propose these questions. Is childlike wonderment actually enlightenment? Are we born enlightened only to fall victim to society’s pressures to have us fall in line to feed the machine? Is understanding nostalgia the key to recapturing this state of being and consciousness? Or more simply, is the understanding of nostalgia a gateway towards enlightenment (from a Zen Buddhist perspective, the instantaneous awakening)?

Let’s rewind back to my memory of catching fireflies in my great grandpap’s backyard. Yes life was simpler for me back then, I didn’t have to worry about paying my bills, making sure my laundry was done, that the house was cleaned, and the dishes were done. All I was worried about was enjoying the moment and catching these little bugs that glowed with a bright chartreuse green color. There was not a single thing that I was more concerned with other than this bug that magically lights up. And when I saw this magical green light again over twenty-five years later, I instantly forgot about the world around me and I began to smile. What started to well up inside me was a fondness for where I’ve been in life and where I’m going. If 10 year old Tony knew the Tony of today he would appreciate the work that I’ve been doing to recapture the magic from these memories.

I do want to make one caveat, I recognize that there are some life experiences may influence one’s fondness for their childhood. I know not everyone is fortunate enough to have a good upbringing and I was (and I hate to use this word) blessed with good parents who took great care of me. To some degree we all have some level of a burden that we carry due to trauma that may stain our childhood. Over time we can learn to shed this burden with acceptance and understanding that we are not defined by this trauma. Acceptance doesn’t happen overnight and it damn well shouldn’t be something that is taken lightly. But the key is going easy on yourself and not placing the blame on yourself for whatever trauma you face in life.

Now when I talk about enlightenment I’m mainly focusing on the general idea of awakening. However, I do personally feel that the idea that the relationship between nostalgia and enlightenment falls more into the Zen Buddhism ideas of kenshō (見性) and satori (悟り). I have also previously likened enlightenment to the ability to see your past, present, and future at the same moment in time. And here is where nostalgia plays a vital role in my personal philosophies.

Let’s circle back to the night that I had re-encountered the dancing fireflies. During this time my “dream job” had started to unravel in a manner I partially expected. I had been down in the dumps because what was once a “safe space” was morphing into one that was overly toxic and built on a foundation of false hopes. The instant I saw that memorable chartreuse green glow I was reminded of who I am and who I will always be. This instantaneous awakening (kenshō 見性) made me remember what is and what will always be important, being my true self and having fun.

What I was reminded of was to not take the world seriously. By that I mean enjoying my time by doing things that I love and being true to myself. Life has a beginning point and an end point, however we never know when we may cross that end point. I have seriously on more than one occasion flirted with my end point only to be pulled back into the realm of the living. On that fateful night the fireflies gave me a vision that shattered my reality and was replaced it with one that represents the true meaning of life: the enjoyment of the world around you.

Now I know one of the counterpoints will be that when we are younger we are ignorant to the world and struggles around us. And I do believe that yes, ignorance can be bliss; but what I am trying to get at is your overall awareness of what you are learning in this moment.

However the idea that I want to explore is the phenomenon that we call “nostalgia” and the emotions that it stirs. More recently in life I have been reinvigorated to recapture something I once saw about my self. I have been going over my notes and previously writings to work towards finishing this book. I will say that over the past year or so I have been working unconsciously to regain my spark. I feel as if someone had one open Plains Mana and one open Swamp Mana and countered me with Despark. My Plansewalker was suddenly board-wiped (DAMN YOU Orzhov Syndicate and your greedy want of power and control). Between 2022 and now the middle of 2024 I have been slowly breaking the shell that had built up.

What if I’m a lobster person because I’m from Maine? Was this a serious thought that came from my actual brain? Damn these gummies been hittin’. But oddly enough I think I’m on to something. Just like Leto II of House Atreides whom donned an armor of sand trout only to have his beef swelling spur on the reawakening of his humanity. I had previously been holding onto an idea that forced me into a mold. But now I see the the golden path forward. Bless the maker and his water….LISAN-AL-GIAB…. wait my eyes aren’t blue, just bloodshot.

During 2020 I had started on working on a life built around the idea of living without premonition. Some may call this prescience, some may call this a major diet of spice melange (or jazz cabbage), but my eyes are once again open. Now I did fall off this horse and fell right back into the trap of being consumed with my job. The more that I grasped for control the more my anxiety crept into play. Life was trying to tell me something but I didn’t want to listen, that was until I was reminded of what is important. These waves of nostalgia reminded me of where I’ve been and the joys that I’ve felt in the past. I was reminded that what is important is the moment that I’m currently experiencing.

Lately I’ve been taking my mediation practices more seriously and I recognized that during the most of 2021 I had been slowly loosing my humanity. I consumed my self with the thoughts of “I need this promotion and it’ll all be well” or “I know these promises will ring true one day” or the usual “I need xzy and it’ll all work out…” all while ignoring what life was trying to tell me. I knew that my “COVID job” was a dead end, I knew that I was being constantly lied to, I knew that I created my desires from a lack of serotonin/dopamine (of which I knew the causes were… my job). Slowly I morphed into a gear that turned in the machine that is our society. It wasn’t until I saw the fireflies that I was reminded of my humanity.

Since 2020 I have been working on one major change in my life that has been to seek a life filled with fulfillment rather than focusing on “happiness” and there has been times where I’ve lost my focus on this drive. And this hasn’t been the only time I’ve had these waves of nostalgia flow through me. During the summer of 2020, while I was amongst the clouds painting my back log of WarHammer models, this calm breeze overtook my mental space. This tremendous sense of appreciation welled up inside me from engaging in arguably my favorite hobby. This wave of nostalgia also reminded me that I need to nurture the spirit who is Tony and to never left go of what makes tick.

Recently with my current therapist, we’ve been working on ways for me to find the balance that I once had in life. With my fancy pants corporate job I had begun to loose a lot of my focus on what is important to me (honestly I think this goes for every job I’ve worked, minus the self employment I did temporarily). It was around Christmas time of 2023 when I made the conscious decision “to take the foot off the gas” at work as I had been stretching myself way to thin (as I always do in most cases). I made a holistic change in which I told myself I need to focus on my overall mental health and everything else would fall into place. For me at least exercise has been historically my primary means of taking care of both my mental health as well as my physical health. Back in my college days I used to enjoy powerlifting and cycling. And these days it’s still pretty much the same, except I’ve swapped powerlifting for power yoga. The one big conscious decision I had made in 2021 was to get back in shape and exercise more. One of the reasons why I had relocated from Tampa to Knoxville was due in large part to its mountain bike community as well as proximity to the Great Smoky Mountains. This singular conscious decision spurred on an entire swath of unconscious growth. 

A part of me is glad that this book has taken a little bit longer to complete as it’s given a lot of time to go back and re-read my work. The other night I was editing the chapter Transcend Humanity, I was suddenly walloped with what I would describe as a wave of nostalgia. When I originally wrote that chapter I discussed my takes on relationships and what changes I wanted to see in myself. Shortly after completing that chapter I took a hiatus from writing (due in large part to my job at the time… huh there is a bit of a running theme here) and began an unconscious journey of bettering myself. After I had re-read my rough draft I recognized the steps that I have made for myself. I wrote in that chapter, that before I could love another that I must first love myself. The Tony of 2021 is completely different than the Tony of 2024 as I have begun to love the person I’m becoming. I reflected for a few moments on what I had read and tears came to my eyes. These were happy tears, tears that confirmed that I had learned to let go and trust in the universe.

My relationship to the idea of nostalgia is one born from an affirmation of where I’ve been and where I’m going. This is due in large part to the work I’ve completed on bringing more acceptance into my life. However, if left unchecked chasing nostalgia can be a path towards the dark side.

The idea of nostalgia can be viewed as an attachment to the past in some lights. The key point in all of this is to not become attached to this emotion but rather develop an appreciation for the events in your life that have brought you to this point in time. Personally I’ve been working on incorporating more acceptance, compassion, and empathy in my day to day life. Acceptance of who I am and who I’m growing into, developing compassionate bonds and relationships with others, and expressing empathy where I can to help build others up in life. However much like any Jedi out there I too have flirted with the dark side on more than one occasion.

When I am emotionally vulnerable I have the ability to latch on to fleeting feelings. This is purely evident in my relationship back in 2019. I had received life changing information on top of finalizing a divorce which had put me in a very vulnerable position. I became attached to whatever outlet that provided me valuable validation and security. Now these sources were not kind to me, and if anything I was being taken advantage of due to my (now known) neurodivergence.

Since the beginning of 2024 I have been doing a lot of self retrospection, most of which has been as a result of my new therapist. At the first meeting with my new therapist I had mentioned that I had felt a little lost in life and unsure of what I saw for myself (most talking about my career) at this point in my life. I have had this long held desire to be creative in life (mainly through photography) but I’ve never really known how to achieve this dream. One of my favorite quotes from Star Wars has been one said by Qui Gon Jinn in the Phantom Menace: “Your focus determines your reality.” It wasn’t until recently that this teaching made sense to me.

For me at least when I look back at the times that I have felt nostalgic, it reinvigorates my youthful drive to indulge in activities that bring me joy. Yes as we age we grow older but who we are at our core never changes. I think the final thing that nostalgia can teach us is to always be true to who we are and if we lose sight of this path it’s still possible to get recapture that spark.

I think I understand what these waves are telling, but we will discuss that in a different chapter. The path towards enlightenment is a process that never quite ends.