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Now that the legal mumbo jumbo is out of the way. We are going to visit a new depth on this next deep dive.

Alone.

That’s it, my biggest fear.

And I’m not talking about the “I don’t have a partner kind of alone.” I’m talking about the it’s a sea of darkness and you are doing all that you can to keep your head above the water kind of alone. The kind where you unconsciously are removed from the world around you. Where your mind tells you that you are alone in the world, with nothing around you except for the darkness.

Before we start our course towards this undiscovered depth, I want to touch on a few quick details. First off the reason behind my URL FEARNOTHING321.com. I have been using the moniker of FearNothing321 since 2007 and it occasionally was pointed out to me the irony of that username when compared to some of my posts. It used to be that life was only worth living when it was pedal to the metal and being that adrenaline junkie. However lately the meaning of FearNothing321 evolved into something more esoteric. Nowadays it characterizes the fight. Its not that I fear nothing, it more that I do not fear the fight, and 321 alludes to 3-2-1-GO, as in move. Now I believe that you can experience fear, without actually fearing fear. And to my family following along, this is meant as a window into my mind, so please don’t worry. I will say lately that I have been more regimented in my meditation practices focusing more on clearing my headspace. This practice has helped keep my self-awareness in tune and functioning at the highest level possible. Also I’ve decided it’s time to rip off the water wings and dive head first into these new depths.

Batten down the hatches and prepare to dive. Wait, I thought we were on a plane?

Arguably my worst personality trait grew out of my biggest fear. My ex-wife and I only stayed married for as long as we did because of my manipulation over those nearly 10 years. She hit the nail on the head all those years ago that I was afraid of being alone. Fast forward to today and that still rings true. Now I’ve been working on the manipulation trait to rid myself of that tendency. Now mental breakdown that I experienced back in 2019 was due in large part to a relationship that should not have lasted as long as it did. Now the only reason why it lasted as long as it did was due to my own blindness of what was actually happening. But I feel this event had to happen as it launched me into my journey of true self-reflection and self-awareness.

Everyone said 2020 was the year to forget, but I’d rather forget most of 2019. I recently found an old journal that I was keeping when I was experiencing my low lows. I felt invisible to those around me. What I think I am truly afraid of being alone with my thoughts. I’ve talked previously in this book about my struggles with depression and suicide. I have accepted that those daemons live within me and are never going away anytime soon. My journal entries all had a similar theme: I want the pain to stop. It’s honestly amazing I lived through the summer of 2019 looking back at these entries. There was no question that I was mentally broken that summer.

I think this is the true root of my fear of being alone. I’m afraid of what I will do if I’m alone with my thoughts. My track record really hasn’t been the best in these situations and I fear the future may hold the same potential. Rereading these journal entries really put into perspective how bad that mental breakdown really was.

We can take this a little further with the feeling of being invisible. This is another constant struggle I have within the encompassing fear of being alone. I do not feel as if people “see” me. I feel as if people only see me for a specific purpose and then forget about me. This feeling of invisibility is what has created an isolationist tendency that I now carry. There are times when I just want to go hide and turn off all the lights to remove myself from the world.

I will say that my depression is usually at the highest when this feeling is at its greatest. It’s as if my mind has abandoned the world around me. During these times I feel as if I am just a shell of myself, trapped in the void that is life. These levels of depression can feel like being trapped at the bottom of the ocean with the amount of pressure you mind places on you. Remember the yin yang? Within the darkness there is always a ray of light. I’ve been using this time to obtain a mental calmness when I am floating in a sea of darkness. When I feel my grasp on reality starting to unfurl, I remember to look up. I can still see the sun even though the weight of the ocean is pulling me down. During these times of mental pain, I try to harness this energy to transform it into calming energy. While I may feel as if people don’t presently “see” me, I want to be able to hear myself.

I used to think that my relationship with my ex-girlfriend stole who I was from me. Now that I think about it, it brought me face to face with my greatest fear. Yes, I was robbed of some crucial personality traits, such as self-confidence and self esteem. My ex would always say she only liked because I had a beard, yet hated the way I dressed or my other grooming habits. She would also make off the cuff comments that made is sound like that she didn’t actually like me at all. So you can see, not only were the walls of depression closing in, but as well as the crushing weights of low self-confidence and self-esteem. But I will say, I feel that we need to feel what rock bottom truly feels like in order to connect on a higher level with another human being. I’ve felt the high highs and the low lows.

So how can we learn to live with and empower this feeling of alone? Once again we are going dive deeper into the esoteric knowledge. I’ve come to redefine what it means to be alone. I do not see being alone as a negative anymore. I now see this feeling as a positive and an opportunity to learn more about myself. Also I seek to find power in the realm of feeling alone. One of the greatest tools that I utilize in my mental health regiments is mediation. I first started this practice by working on clearing my mind via my yoga practices. I’ve sense evolved my mediation practices into understanding the complex emotions that we deal with everyday. When it comes to meditation you are removing yourself from that place in time and isolating yourself within yourself. So with this rationale, mediation is a practice of being alone with yourself except its in a place of power not weakness or desire (more on that coming soon). The silence that you create within yourself will allow you to actually hear yourself speak truthfully on what it is that you want.

I’ve stopped trying to force things to happen. Things will always happen when you least expect it, because that is how the universe works. In Chinese mythology there is a story of the red thread of fate. The belief is that we are destined to meet our person because they are attached to us via a metaphysical red thread. The movie, Your Name (君の名は), is a new spin on this classic folklore story. Your Name adds a nod to the Japanese tradition of Tanabata (七夕) and the star crossed lovers of Vega and Altair. This story is always on my list of go to recommendations as it is a good representation of fate. One of my key points that I’ve been meditating on is that a significant other will not fill any void within me. Just because you want the feeling of being alone to stop doesn’t mean that being in a relationship is the correct fix. I can assure that it isn’t and it will only amplify the hollowness that you feel. I always like to say that you must love yourself before you can love another. What I’m saying here is that the love you have for you will grow into love for another. Acceptance of you and your place in the universe will open up fate to you and doors will start to open. A love that is built on seeing eye to eye as equals will last longer than one built on vanity alone. This idea can be further strengthened by the idea that what we see in others is actually a reflection of what we see within ourselves.

I want to go one step even further to into the esoteric and defining this feeling we call alone and the fear of death. Lately I’ve been dabbling in the world of Taoism and Zen Buddhism via the teachings of Alan Watts. One night while reaching heights of outer space, I was listening to an Alan Watts speech and my mind was absolutely blown. He characterizes the fear of death of actually being afraid of losing your past. We are constantly caring around our memories to remember a harsh past, a lost loved one, or a desire to be a certain way. That is our past. This is the greatest weight that we carry and carry alone.

Once again while visiting the high mountains, I decided that I wanted explore this feeling. I saw the chains that I was dragging behind me and felt the weight that they were putting on me. I saw the struggle and the pain that I was carrying for so long. Am I ready to drop those chains? I honestly don’t think I am. I feel as if these chains are currently keeping me rooted on the right side of the Earth. Case in point, back in 2019 when I thought I was given a countdown clock, I feverishly held on to anything that I could to keep me in the world of the living. There will come a time when I am ready to drop those chains. And that’s when I’ll be introduced into life everlasting. The idea of death is the greatest form of feeling alone. The biggest hurdle we face regarding this fear and emotion is being cognizant of time. Time is the one thing that drives anxiety and depression. There is never enough time nor can time move fast enough. This is why we crave a fulfilling relationship, because time ceases to exist in the metaphysical sense.

Lately I’ve been trying to live in the here and now and acting as best as I can without premonition. I will say that last bit is kind of hard to really do as I’ve talked in the past on the ideas of removing risk from the decision making process. So I realize that I do sound contradictory when I say both of these ideas. However I believe that both can exist in harmony much like the image of the yin yang. What it boils down to is the ultimate test of fate is simply letting go as well as finding a sense of balance within your decisions. Once again I want to remind you that the roots of the lotus are able to hold on to the mud. Connect yourself to the world around you. Drink in the infinite possibilities, breathe in the solitude, and relax in the comfort surrounding you in this moment of time.

One further way that we can visualize the feeling of alone is by looking at the practice of meditation. When we meditate, we are removing ourselves from current plane of existence and trying to visit another. For me at least this other place of existence is a world in which is only inhabited by me alone. I find power in this world. I find the power to create, to understand, and to visualize what it is that I actually want of myself. I will say I definitely have an affinity for eastern schools of thought. This stems from my belief in the divinity of the self. I am the only one in charge of the path in front of me and I am the only one who can control my innate happiness. I have no one to blame other than myself for the actions that I do. I will be the one to create the environment that I will thrive best in.

We are going to take this next idea with a huge grain of salt, because you know Sigmund Freud was a hack. I’m only bringing this up because I’ve been mentioning the anime Neon Genesis Evangelion quite a bit in this book. The Hedgehog Dilemma is a relationship theory as to why some humans are afraid of intimacy. The idea is that the hedgehog is a spiny animal and it’s unable to find the warmth of others because of its spines. The hedgehog fears that getting close to another hedgehog is going to cause mutual pain to both parties. I can see why this idea may have some merit. I personally have some hesitations about myself, because I carry a lot of baggage: sobriety, mental health struggles, chronic disease, and a divorce. But there is a big counter to this argument. There are others out there that are understanding of the struggle of the hedgehog and are equipped to handle its spines. Those that can truly express empathy can help form lasting bonds with others.

I’ve never been the one to shy away from innate intimacy. It’s the one thing I crave most for in life. Intimacy, whether it’s emotional or sexual is the foundation of a fulfilling relationship. There are a few counters to the Hedgehog Dilemma, mainly being for one we as humans will seek out someone new if the energy we give out isn’t reciprocated and two there are those out there we are capable of dealing with spiny creatures. Once again the image of the ying yang rings true. And another mark against the Hedgehog Dilemma, is the one topic I’ve brought up the most in this book: empathy. Empathy is a practice in human intimacy. To me true human connection happens when we are able to express empathy to one another. By expressing empathy you are actively engaging with one’s self-validation. You are not outright saying you are validating one’s emotional or physical state, rather they come to learn that someone “sees” them.

The Hedgehog Dilemma may only be true if the hedgehog doesn’t put themselves out into the world and become a recluse. Our innate human nature is to be a social creature. I’m not saying you have to spend your time partying it up, what I’m saying is we crave rewarding human interaction. It’s ok to let yourself be loved and to love another. Don’t hide from intimacy just because you are afraid of any pain that may come that relationship. Your pain will be met with empathy. You are worth the love others give to you.

I think it’s time to return to the surface.

You ready for our cliché moment? We have to love deeply. What actually does it mean to love deeply (that’s what she said)? To me at least means to express an empathic love. To me empathy is the root of true human connection. It comes with an air of comfort as builds on the understanding that you will always have someone at your side, regardless of the situation. Empathy is that security blanket that is always there bringing you extra warmth when you need it most.

2020 taught me I needed to better myself. One of the ways that I’ve been trying to bette my self is by learning Japanese. It’s no secret that I’m obsessed with Japan and the Japanese culture. I’ve always had a longing to visit Japan. So I’ve taken upon myself to learn the language as best as I can. The point I’m getting ready to make is I think the English language really fails our ability to properly express our emotions. Aishiteru (愛してる) translates into “I love you” and this word is only used when professing a true romantic love. The Japanese language has multiple ways to directly and indirectly express your emotions. One other observation that I want to make is the Japanese character for human. 人 (Hito/Jin) is the character for human. The character is made up of two lines that support one another. If one side is removed the other falls. This plays into the sense of community that dictates the major cultural identity in countries such as Japan. Throughout the world we see that places where selflessness takes priority over selfishness communities prosper. We must support one another in order to fix the problems that have been plaguing our society for decades.

A major driver in my hesitation to jump back in the dating pool is due to a major lack of personal confidence and self doubt. But what is more confidence boosting than online dating via apps? Unfortunately my generation has made it abundantly clear that meeting people is primarily done via our smartphones. Problem here in lies that these apps crave vanity and can be detrimental on one’s self image. So here is what I did. I set my hopes high and my expectations low. I made my standards clear to myself and stuck to these standards. If my time on these apps proves to be fruitful then my path provided it. Otherwise, I’m going to ride this wave to see where it takes me.

One key relationship that we need to focus on is the relationship that we have with ourselves. I bet you’ve muttered to yourself multiple time some sort of negative quality that you perceive about yourself. I’m talking about the “I’m fat,” “I’m ugly,” and the “No one wants me” toxic musings. None of that is true. We are given one body to live our lives in, so we have to learn to love it. I know body dysmorphia and gender dysmorphia are real and there are those that struggle with images of themselves on a daily basis. All I want to say is embrace who you want to be regardless of what that means. There is enough negativity out in the world and we do not need to be adding any more to our mental space.

I think the important lesson in all of this is understanding what it means to let go. I will say I do not feel alone anymore as I have myself. I have a feeling that things are starting to look up for once and the pieces are starting to fall into place. As I talked in the last chapter about transcending who you are, this concept of letting go and trusting in your own faith has really been key in my mental metamorphosis. I will say it has taken a lot of discipline to maintain focus. This was a hard course to sail, but now I feel just that bit more free. I hope that this feeling passes on to you as well. Remember its darkest right before the dawn.