I want to touch on an idea that I brought up in the last chapter and that is what actually is happiness. What are we really chasing? Why do we have to chase something that should be so intrinsic?

I believe this chase was born out of a materialistic society with deep root in perfection. You need to have that brand new car, that house with the white picket fence, 2 kids, a dog, and your grass needs to be green. Also you need that corner office job and toil away from 9-5 being a “yes man/woman.” Look I get it, I’ve been pulled down into that rabbit hole and fallen victim to society’s preconceived norms.

The first song that I’ve included on this chapter is Shinedown’s special. It’s a very pragmatic look into the idea that we are all waiting on our time to shine in the spotlight. Attention attention, it’s not going to happen. Sorry to break to you, but you have to make it happen. Certain things in life just don’t happen out of the blue, you have to make them happen. On the flip side of that coin we all struggle and at our core we are all the same. You can have the life you want, but it’s going to take some effort.

I’m not trying to discourage you from having dreams. Hell having dreams keeps me driven on moving forward and constantly evolving who Tony is and what he wants. What my goal here right now is to help encourage you to break free from that three ring circus we are being told to strive towards.

Prior to 2020, I was stuck in a cubical answering phone calls for a major financial institution. This was a dead end career. I had tried eight times over a span of 2 years to get promoted to a non-phone job, only to be told no. I had the perfect resumé, perfect experience, plenty of references, multiple special projects, and a mentor within those departments. Towards the end of my time at this employer the stress that was being brought on by this job was starting to get me. I was vomiting between 2-3 times per day and I was starting to loose some serious weight. It was during this time my depression was at its maximum point. I had been calling out of work, because I had trouble at times leaving my apartment. It was around September of 2019 where one of my managers approached me to discuss short term disability leave. Luckily my employer had a really good short term leave benefit. I agreed with her and spoke with my therapist on the necessary paperwork.

One of my ongoing topics in therapy was I was constantly unsatisfied with my current career path. It was around October 2019 that I seriously started to ponder about leaving this employer and seeking some type of self employment. This stemmed mainly from a mental and physical health needs. My stress levels at this time were starting to have serious physical health impacts which would make my Cystic Fibrosis even worse. I had been talking with a friend about where I wanted to go with my life and he had expressed similar concerns. Towards the middle of February 2020 he approached with a job opportunity with a shop he was opening to sell hot sauce.

I made it though times so dark I thought I’d never see light again

And then when the clouds parted I knew I’d see the sun shining in

~Timothy Armstrong / Kevin C Bivona / Aimee E Allen, “Leap of Faith” Fight the Good Fight

It was at this time that I decided I needed to take that Leap of Faith. I know this is easier said than done, but that goes for most of life’s tough decisions. I am a very risk adverse person. To calm some of my anxiety during making this decision I put together a few simple business plans. Ultimately I went with the option that had the lowest initial costs, and could provide me with the quickest income. Unbeknownst to me a serious global pandemic was about to roll through. Now when I was making my exit plan I went over what I needed to secure and how to make this transition easy. Luckily I was able to qualify for a special application for health insurance, and I had some funds saved that made it finically easy in the first few months.

Now global pandemic is now upon us. I will say that any of the business that I was considering would have all be effected by the pandemic and some more than others. Even more so with having Cystic Fibrosis I have to be even more careful in contracting this virus (already have had it once, let’s hope not again) as it has the capability to amplify already tough medical problems. This pandemic has taught me to be even more flexible and to constantly evolve. The hot sauce job was a blessing in disguise. You may be saying to yourself I was given this job. But in reality this all stemmed from a discussion where I put myself out there and someone else needed help with a project they were undertaking. Making contacts and friends will pay off. This is how you get things done. Most of the clients that I have from my personal business come from friends, friends of family member, or people who I’ve known for years.

My last job was literally killing me. It killed my creativity. I was a cog in the wheel of the corporate machine. But I needed to have this job because it’s what society requires. Yes I took a huge cut in pay initially, but over time I will get back to where as was, just going to take a little work. This job that I had because I was chasing what society determined what happiness was, was actually making me miserable. How can you be happy if you are miserable?

To me chasing happiness is like stepping in dog shit. Everything is going all according to plan, until the moment that it doesn’t. At that very moment you unfortunately step in a mess left by another person. Now you are walking funny because you don’t to leave a track heading back you home/apartment. You have to now clean your shoes and make a passive aggressive Facebook post about how people don’t pick up after themselves. On top of it all you are now in a foul mood. I know this analogy is on the crude side, but I really feel that chasing this social construct of happiness will lead you on a journey where you’ll be constantly stepping in shit.

Do you ever get lost, deep in your thoughts, tripping when you think about the cost of seeing this through

When you tie your stomach into knots that you don’t know how to undo

~ George Watsky, “Talking to Myself ” X Infinity

I know making the decision to change course in the middle of everything going on is not an easy decision to make. But here is the thing, in order to grow we must be constantly evolving or else we will only know pain. There are ways to make this decision easier. The easiest item to do first is create a plan. Focus primarily on the big ticket items: housing, food, transportation, insurance, and what you want. The small stuff will fall into place. I want to caution on one item real quick. Don’t over think it.

When you can mitigate as much risk, the decision making process will become easier. However on the flip side, sometimes it’s best to jump right in. Remember what Master Yoda said “Do or do not, there is no try.” You need to buy into your plan for it to succeed. Another point that can be made from what Mike Ehrmantraut told Walter White in season 3 of Breaking Bad, “No more half measures.” When you are wanting to make a positive change in your life you have to put all of your being in to this path. You will get back what you put in tenfold. While the return may not be in the form of materialistic, you will reap the benefits for your mental health.

I have wasted my life, and it’s a decision I have vowed not to do again. I wasted my time at my time at my previous employer. I constantly lied to myself saying it’ll all be okay if I got this promotion, this project, etc… I wasted who Tony was the entirety of 2019, but now when I look at its more like 2019 was a metamorphosis for whom I’d become. I’m back in the driver’s seat with the pedal to the metal moving forward. Our time is precious and we should be spending it how we see fit.

I have faced it, a life wasted. 

I’m never going back again. 

I escaped it, a life wasted. 

I’m never going back again. 

Having tasted, a life wasted. 

I’m never going back again.

~ Eddie Vedder / Stone Gossard – “Life Wasted” Pearl Jam

You are never too old to make a change for the positive. Don’t chase happiness, chase balance or chase personal growth. When you switch your focus from happiness to another meaningful goal, a by product of your new found journey will be true happiness or a facsimile of it.. For me, my change in path resulted in comfort knowing that for once I was doing what I wanted. The same is true for my ex-wife. She has changed her focus and is seeing tremendous rewards in personal growth.

Why is happiness something that we need to even chase at this point. Shouldn’t this already be ingrained into our subconscious as a basic human need? To me at least the basic human need of happiness was stripped and replaced with a societal construct of happiness based on the material. Yes I know I have fallen for this and I still and bound to this norm, but I recognized it within myself. I am working on reverting back to my basic needs but as with anything it takes a bit of work. One movie I highly recommend everyone watch is Fight Club. Its core message is still relevant in today’s society. Pretty much it boils down to is “the things you own eventually start owning you.” As I’ve continually stated, material items shouldn’t be our primary focus. Our primary focus should be on the self, what you want of you, what you want to do, and how you care for yourself. When these needs are placed at the forefront, you will unlock what happiness should be.

Have you heard of paralysis by analysis? I alluded to this concept earlier in this chapter. Over thinking your plan of action will lead to no action at all. What is happening here is that you are consuming all of your energies and your mental state prohibits any kind of beneficial activity. Yes, it is a good idea to be mentally prepared to make a major life change, but it comes a time where you make that step. There will always be hurdles in life, some that you can reduce and others that can’t be modified. Don’t sweat the stuff that is out of your control. No matter what you do or try, that unmovable object will not budge. Risk is something that we have to be okay with dealing with. It’s about mitigating risk not removing it entirely.

Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind

Withering my intuition leaving opportunities behind

-Maynard James Keenan, “Lateralus” Lateralus

Lateralus seeks to help you reject thinking thinking linearly and embrace thinking laterally. Thinking linearly is personified as following status quo and not stepping out or embracing the natural chaos of life. You gotta go with the flow at times. If you don’t the waves will pass you by and you’ll miss out on their opportunities. One of my favorite quotes of all time is by Wayne Gretzky “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” By thinking yourself into paralysis you are missing out on life. Embrace a little chaos in your life. Live out side your comfort zone for a little while. These simple actions will help you grow as a person and you will learn new things about who you really are deep down inside.

Spiral Out.

Keep going.