I want to continue on road I revisited last chapter, dealing with my daemons. Last chapter once again brought me back face to face with the pain of depression. But once again I made it through to the other side. For me at least depression isn’t just something that is one and done, I live with it. For lack of a better terms, I’ve become friends with my dark days.

Besides surrounding myself with the right people, music has been one of the most powerful outlets to help me deal with my depression.

Over the last 3 years I’ve been learning how to live with my depression and how to mentally guide myself through its waves. My last wave was pretty pretty intense. Instead of bottling everything up and pushing through it, I allowed it to walk next to me. I reached out to friends, I put on music, and let it all flow through me. Yes it was painful, yes it was dark, but I made it through it. For the first time in years I cried. I let it all out, fully embraced what had been starting to build up. Still working on that smile, but I embraced the pain.

This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality / Embrace this moment, remember We are Eternal, all this pain is an illusion.

-Maynard James Keenan, Parabola

TOOL’s Parabol and Parabola seeks to understand our experience as a living breathing human. Maynard creates a narrative where all of our experiences build in to wisdom and pain is temporary. Our souls are eternal though our actions and our impact on others. When I set out writing my story, my goal was to craft my legacy to be remembered. Yes we are all mortal, but we have the capability to be eternal. Embrace life, live through the shit, and grow with it. I will say I didn’t really start listening to TOOL heavily until a few years ago.

At the end of the day, it’s ok to be one with the darkness inside of you. When you face your daemons, you will better appreciate the fights you’ve put up. Every time I embrace a depressive episode, the stronger I get on the other side. Fight like you life depends on, because sometime it just may depend on it. I grew up on grunge music and it has always been my go to when I need an emotional release. Alice in Chains’ unplugged set on MTV is arguably one of the best live performances aired on that channel. Down in a Hole, at its core is about the loss of self identity, depression, and self hatred. Jerry Cantrell wrote a fair bit of Alice in Chains lyrics and the themes are issues that he himself faced.

When you are down in that hole, appreciate the moment and allow your emotions to envelop you. For me at least during these times, I put on music that I can easily relate with lyrically. Yes it usually depressive themes, but it allows me to easier navigate this wave of depression. During my last episode I must have played Joyner Lucas’ I’m Sorry numerous times. The better I engage with my emotional state, the “quicker” I can move through it.

One issue we face in today’s society is the prevalence of the perfect life, happiness, and materialism. For one what does it really mean to be “happy?” Does it mean always having a smile on your face? Like seriously what is happiness, in the social construct? Chasing happiness will likely put us in situations that actually push it away from us rather than get us closer to this proverbial social construct. Let’s swap happiness with inner peace. When you seek inner peace you are balancing the scales of life, as it should be (hehehehe Thanos was right). Light with darkness, good with the bad; a balanced life.

Okay, I have to let myself feel this before I can go any further.

– Corey Taylor on The Devil In I, via Kerrang!

Even though I’m a connoisseur of pretty much every music genre (minus country), metal has always been my number one. Slipknot has been my favorite band for the last ten plus years. During the darkest times I’ve faced, Slipknot’s music helped me through these emotions. Corey Taylor, Slipknot’s lead vocalist, has always been hypercritical of society’s handling, or lack there of, mental health awareness. The Devil In I, seeks to helps to tell the story of the depression living within us. The Devil in this sense the depression that you and I both face day in and day out.

Yes my daemons live inside me, and I’m okay with that. They don’t control me, but I acknowledge their existence. Embracing your full self will help guide you to a more balanced life. When balance is brought to your life you will find that inner peace within you. My scales are getting closer to equilibrium, but I still have a little work to do on myself. I’ve been there before, so I know I can find it again.

Let the practice of mindfulness guide to a place of balance so that you can live with your emotional states. The final song that I wanted to include in this chapter is Alice in Chains’ Nutshell. In a nutshell (see what I did there lol) this perfectly surmises my battles with depression. When Layne Staley wrote this song, he wrote about his own struggles with depression and addiction. Alice in Chains’ unplugged set on MTV would be the last time Layne would appear on stage as he would lose his fight with addiction shortly there after.

Luckily for me I never really have had to fight addictions. Yes I’ve had my run-ins with alcohol and shopping addictions, but these grew out of endorphin needs. I haven’t taken an oath of sobriety, but what I have taken is an oath to be more mindful of my actions. I still like to buy myself something, if the payoff is something constructive. I don’t drink due to medication that I’m currently on for my Cystic Fibrosis.

At the end of the day, we are sum of all of our parts. Learn to live with your dark days and good days. There will always be bumps in the road, but that is the journey we call life. The more mindful you become, the closer you come to unlocking self-awareness. This is the path you must follow if you want peace within your soul.