I knew at some point I was going to have to write this chapter. This has been a tough one.

Now I need to preface this for my family that follows along. Don’t worry I’m okay, I have my rough days but I’m still here.

Suicide isn’t something you just get over. Luckily I had someone in my corner that pulled me back from the edge that day. As I’ve said multiple times the best thing I ever did for myself was seek professional help. I was struggling with depression and to be fair I still have my moments. But I’m still here today.

The past 2-3 years have been arguably some of the roughest times for me. I’ve dealt with loss, failure, and the utter destruction of who I was. But I’m still here, still fighting. Not gonna lie on this one, but my depression was pretty bad back last summer and fall. There was point in time that my ex-girlfriend and mother were worried that I had made another attempt at my life as I had expressed interest in doing so. But once again, I’m still here, still moving forward.

Throughout my time in therapy, my therapist has expressed that I exhibit signs of what is known as double depression. My depression causes manifestations of mental pain that drive me insane. During my time in therapy we have been focusing on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to treat most of my symptoms. Now I’ve never been officially diagnosed as labels never help anybody out in situations like this. I want to quickly interject real quick, I’m not a licensed or trained professional and these writings are from my own experiences only. Do not use them to self-diagnosis, seek professional help for that.

To me at least suicide will always be apart of me, more so the fact that I have tried to make a serious attempt at my life. Now I will say I’ve continued to have thoughts around suicide due my continued fight with depression. But remember I’m still here, still on the right side.

Therapy for me has been a blessing. I’ve learned to live through my depression and guide myself through to the other side of these dark tunnels. I still have my days where a I feel like I’m once again falling back into the void of darkness, but this time I have I can pull myself out. I’ve learned to take bite size pieces of activities that I enjoy to maintain the pleasure that I get from them. I organize my day to the best of my abilities. I maintain a routine. I acknowledge my shitty days. I take time to learn from them to better myself.

“Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up”

–Jim Valvano

Yes, depression is something you can live with, and not allow you to be dominated by it. When I feel an onset of an episode I prepare myself to endure the emotions that I’m about to go through. I hold my dog close to me, I put on my favorite albums, and cook my favorite foods. Remember I’m still here, still struggling but still living. I want you to know if you are going through a rough patch in your life, that you can get through it. If you need some one to listen to you, my Instagram info is in the upper right hand corner. There is always the suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255.

If you have a loved one that is going through some tough times or has previously made an attempt at their life, please don’t try to coddle them. That has never worked for me and has usually made things worse. Most of us already feel like we are burden on ourselves and families and we don’t need someone doing everything for us. Rather show support. Simple things like touch go a long ways. I know for myself, sometimes a simple embrace can go a long way. Humans have an innate need for touch and we can convey most of our feelings and emotion through non-verbal communication. Above all just listen and validate to your loved one’s concerns. These are real concerns. Also instead of asking “how you are doing” try giving your loved one a compliment. Today’s society has made it almost taboo to compliment another male. Break that stigma. Compliments will help that individual feel better about themselves.

This is a time to build each other up. Suicide is a taboo subject, and it effect far too many. Some see it as a release from the pain they endure, but in reality all it does is transfer that pain to someone else. Remember you matter, we all matter. The pain will lessen over time. You can live through this, I am, and you can too.

Thankfully I’m still here.